The GPub
by RPGZero
Summary: After a short absence, chapter 20 is up!
1. And It Begins

Well, this is a humor fanfic covering all the series of Gundam and uses the characters of each series and manga . . . or at least tries to. The G-Pub was influenced on the forums at the GameFAQs website, where a bunch of us got together and began writing up little scenarios that just so happened to take place in a bar. Each were fairly short and didn't have much of a point. The challenge here, is that we take pieces of each one and are making a large attempt to compile them into one large ongoing story. Thus, the story of the G-Pub begins . . .  
The G-Pub - Chapter 1: And It Begins . . .  
  
The stars in the World of Gundam each took up a seat in the pub that accepted the lives of each and every one of them. Amuro Ray. Camille Bidan. Char Aznable. Heero Yuy. Garrod Ran. Loran Cehack. Among the hundreds of others, this place was filled with talk, action, and underage drinking. A phone rings.  
  
Bartender: Call for Shiro Amada!  
  
Shiro: That's me. (He takes the phone) Hi, dear. Yes, dear. Right away, dear. (Hangs up) Sorry, I gotta' go.  
  
Amuro and Char: WHIPPED!  
  
Amuro's statement is followed by "whipped" chants.  
  
Shiro: Yeah, well, how many of you have steady girlfriends?  
  
Tons of hands shoot into the air.  
  
Shiro: That AREN'T dead.  
  
Various hands drop, including Amuro and Char's.  
  
Shiro: Yeah, I thought so. (He leaves)  
  
Char: Steady girlfriends my ass. I've been pimpin' since double-O '79!  
  
Amuro and various others let out small laughs.  
  
Char: What? What?  
  
Judau Ashta: I don't remember hitting on 9-year old girls considered "pimping".  
  
Heero: . . . true . . .  
  
Char: W-What are you guys saying? I'm the Red Comet. I've had my share of girls. Nanai Miguel . . . Reccoa Londo . . .  
  
Jamil Neate: Lalah Sune . . . 14 . . . Quess Paraya . . . 13 . . .  
  
Char gives Jamil an odd look. Amuro gulps down his martini.  
  
Amuro: *Cough*Pedophile*Cough*  
  
Char drew his gun.  
  
Char: Got something to say to me?  
  
Amuro: Umm . . . what are you going to do with that?  
  
Char: Nothing, just polishing it. Hey, what's with that cough of yours?  
  
Amuro faints, anime style.  
  
Young Kikka looks up at Char.  
  
Kikka: What do you have to say for your self . . .  
  
Char: Umm . . . maybe the glory of victory be yours?  
  
Jamil: (Lifts his drink) Glory to the Ped Comet?  
  
Garrod: And may the glory of Michael Jackson be yours!  
  
Heero: Heh . . . funny . . .  
  
Char: Oh yeah? What are you giggling at, kid! I've got more experience than you in the battlefield and in the bed! Where's you're woman at!  
  
Heero points out the window.  
  
Amuro: Cinq Kindgom. Not bad.  
  
Char whispers something under his breath and walks away.  
  
Char: Don't you forget, Amuro! We're room mates for the next 2 months.  
  
Amuro: (Frowns) Damn . . . forgot all about that one . . .  
  
Kou Uraki suddenly runs into the room and falls over.  
  
Amuro: What the-?  
  
Camille Bidan: Hmm . . .  
  
Amuro: I thought you said that you rigged the outside of the place the GP03S was getting repaired at with mines?  
  
Camille: I did! (Turns to Kou) Hey, Kou, how did you get out of my little trap?  
  
Kou: Me, being the genius that I am, walked into each and evrey one of them, setting them off - which, momentarily impaired my movement and left me badly bleeding BUT, ensured a path to safety. (Kou laughs) You guys thought you could outsmart you, didn't you? And you guys are called uber- Newtypes . . .  
  
Camille slaps his forehead.  
  
Camille: (Being Sarcastic) You are such a genious Kou . . . we envy you're genius . . .  
  
Kou: Glad to see you admit it. (He walks away)  
  
Four Murasame: Wow . . . just . . . wow . . .  
  
Camille: I know. You'll learn to deal with him.  
  
Four: No, that's not what I meant . . . I mean this fanfic. It's so goddamn sexist! I'm the first female to show up and actually say something!  
  
Camille: Well, the author had to introduce us, get us out in the open, blah, blah, blah . . . it's the making of a goof fic.  
  
Four: Good fic? Where the hell's the plot?  
  
Camille: It's coming up soon . . . probably by the next chapter . . . err, or so . . . whenever the author decides.  
  
Four: Crap-tacular. We need more women in here.  
  
Camille: Since when did you decide to become a femi-Nazi?  
  
Four: I am not a feminist. I'm just defending my rights.  
  
Camille: Listen, this fic just began, give it some time. This thing's all over the place because it's a compilation of many small jokes made by a bunch of people off of the GameFAQs boards into one big fic . . . like the Mobile Suit Gundam Trilogy.  
  
Four: Again, uber-crap-tacular.  
  
Camille: Deal with it.  
  
Four: Why should I?  
  
Camille: Well, do you want to be back on the streets begging for food while asking Sunrise for walk-on roles in the background of newer and much flashier mecha series showing that Sunrise has long forgotten about us and the role we played in making them famous?  
  
Four: . . .  
  
Camille: . . .  
  
Four: Oh, Camille, I want your cock so bad.  
  
Camille: . . .?  
  
Four: You're so sexy when you're angry.  
  
Amuro: Another side-effect of artificial Newtype enhancement?  
  
Camille: It's like built-in Viagra. (Shrugs) I'm not complaining. (Turns to Four) Right now?  
  
Four: Right now!  
  
She jumps on Camille, and the two get it on right in the middle of the pub.  
  
Garrod: Whoa . . .  
  
Kou: My virgin eyes!  
  
Everybody turns their head sideways, and then opens their eyes widen as they watch Camille and Four pull off a nice "stunt".  
  
Bright Noa: Must make a mental note to try that with Mirai sometime . . .  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
We are taken down a dark corridor. Down a long bridge, surrounded by fire, evil minions moan and groan as they continue to profit over badly dubbed Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT episodes. Gremlins? The Sith? Mark Currant of G-Saviour? No, it was far worse than any of those.  
  
President of Funimation: Come forth, my dark minions.  
  
A small group appears. Next to the President of Funimation is the CEO of Funimation.  
  
CEO: And these are?  
  
President: Special Dub-Butcher Task-Force BUTCHHOUND. They despise good dubs like seen on Adult Swim and those sold on DVD. They enjoy profiting over the horrible dubs that cause the eyes and ears to bleed.  
  
CEO: Are we so low that we must align ourselves with a group formed under the black wings of the 4Kids dubbing committee?  
  
President: One day . . . one day! One day Gundam will be mine! Can you imagine it! Zeta Gundam turned from the bloodbath it is into a series with people getting blown in the "Next Dimension"! Imagine the cheap profits! And thanks to this group of individuals, I will have Gundam! Gundam will be MINE!!  
  
(Insert unceremonious uncontrollable evil laughing)  
  
Back at the pub . . .  
  
Sayla Mass: This is . . .  
  
Allenby Beardsley: What is it?  
  
Sayla: I feel as if I'm wasting my talents here.  
  
Allenby: Got the same feeling. It's better then being on the streets selling oranges.  
  
Kou and Mark Currant walk by. Allenby begins whispering.  
  
Allenby: Didn't you say your friend's brother's uncle's sister knew Tony Soprano?  
  
Sayla: No, but I did have a contact in the Polish mafia.  
  
Allenby: Close enough, how did it ago?  
  
Sayla: I contacted them about a week ago . . . the sniper fell out of the tree.  
  
Allenby: Dammit.  
  
Four: This stupid fanfic. It's still incoherent and all over the place.  
  
Sayla: It's a comedy what do you expect.  
  
Four: But just look at it. All I have to do is step over here and I'm suddenly in a new scenario.  
  
(Four walks over to a table)  
  
Four: Umm . . .  
  
Sayla: What's wrong?  
  
Four: Forgot this part in the script.  
  
Sayla: This is where the writer introduces a character he's a huge fanboy of.  
  
Four: But he already introduced us.  
  
Sayla: No, I mean . . .  
  
Suddenly, the background music from Saturday Night Fever begins playing. The disco ball drops and the floor begins to light up.  
  
Singing Girls: "And I get down to Gryps 2 . . . the Titans fleet . . ."  
  
Paptimus Scirroco: Hi-ya! That's my cue!  
  
Random Female: It's Lord Scirroco! (Faints)  
  
Allenby: I wonder how much he pays those girls to faint for him . . .  
  
Scirroco walks in dressed up. On his new white suit, there's a logo that says "Pappy's Pimp Service".  
  
A sudden heavy smoke began to fill the air.  
  
Allenby: Hey, Pappy, I think you're pyrotechnics team screwed up again.  
  
Scirroco: No, those are just my new sales.  
  
Four looks at the tables in the G-Pub, everyone's smoking.  
  
Four: What the hell is going on?  
  
Scirroco put his hand on Kira Yamato's sholder.  
  
Kira: Bandai just made a join effort with Scirroco's mafia.  
  
Scirroco: *Ahem*  
  
Kira: Umm . . Scirroco's underground business.  
  
Scirroco: It's a little known fact that I'm Italian and Greek.  
  
Allenby: Interesting . . .  
  
Four: So . . . explain yourselves . . .  
  
Kira: We're just selling our new stake in the Gundam franchise. Four: And what does that mean?  
  
Amuro: Thanks to Scirroco, Kira's become the "big connection" in town if you know what I mean.  
  
Four: WHAT!  
  
Amuro: Yep, hes the first guy to bring in this new stuff. Heh heh, look at the colors.  
  
Four: Of my God! I thought Gundam SEED was just another cheesy remake of the plot of the original show, with the lame main characters and cliche unbeatable gundams from Wing. But a massive front for a drug ring! I can't believe it.  
  
Kira: Believe it, why do you think they call it Gundam SEED! *Wink Wink*  
  
Camille: Yep, heh heh, thats right.  
  
Four: No not you too!  
  
Camille: Don't worry, for me it's medicinal.  
  
Four: You lie, you're not really sick!  
  
Camille: Uh huh Paptimus fried my brain, and this is helping me make a speedy recovery.  
  
Four: Yeah your brain's fried all right.  
  
Paptimus: Heh, heh she called you fried. Mmmmmmmm . . .  
  
Four: You're all a bunch of drugies!  
  
Master Asia: No, it just hepls my . . . my arthritis . . . yeah.  
  
Amuro: I can see you Lalah. I'm coming . . .  
  
(Amuro gets up and begins swatting at a neon Budweiser sign)  
  
Four: I can't take this smoke . . . nnnnnmmmm . . . my head.  
  
Domon Kashu: Hey Kira, light another and pass that fatty around.  
  
Kira: All right....you asked for it . . . uh oh . . . all gone.  
  
Four: Ha! See how quick your . . . umm . . . yeah, see how quick the fun ends.  
  
Kira: I'll be back, just gotta' go and pick up some more from my "contact".  
  
Four: Your all so sick, I can't take anymore of this, I'm going to find . . . a new series . . . Mmmmm . . . my head is spinning.  
  
Kira: I can't belive we went through a pound so quick....I think I'm gonna' like this franchise!  
  
(Kira walks out counting his ill-gotten money)  
  
Four: I'm leaving before he comes back, GOODBYE!  
  
(Four takes a few steps and then stumbles)  
  
Four: I think I'll just sit down for a little while . . . Mmmmmmmmmmmm.  
  
Kira: All right I'm back.  
  
Four: Mmmmmmmmmm.  
  
Fuunsaiki: "Neigh"  
  
Master Asia: That was quick.  
  
Kira: The new shipments from the Plants just came in.  
  
Duo: So that's why they call those colonies "PLANTS" . . . heh, heh. It almost makes sense.  
  
Loran: Oww . . . my head . . . I need to get up for awhile . . .  
  
Loran steps out of the G-Pub. He stumbles down the sidewalk and sees someone floating in front of him.  
  
Loran: That's it. I've had way too much.  
  
Floating Figure: I am Mad Dog from Unit BUTCHHOUND!  
  
Loran: Hey, dude . . . you're getting a Dell!  
  
Mad Dog: He's high. Well, this makes it easier for us. The boss will be pleased.  
  
Mad Dog picks up Loran's arm.  
  
Loran: Dude, what are you doing?  
  
Mad Dog: You won't feel a thing . . .  
  
Mad Dog cuts off Loran's arm. Loran screams his ass off.  
  
Back inside the pub . . .  
  
Amuro: What was that?  
  
Sayla finishes her blunt and crawls across the floor and onto Amuro's lap.  
  
Sayla: Oh, Amuro . . .  
  
Amuro: Mmm . . .  
  
Back outside . . .  
  
Loran is now unconscious, with a new right arm that doesn't match his body.  
  
Mad Dog: Heh, heh, heh . . .  
  
He disappears. Loran wakes back up, and stumbles back into the pub.  
  
Loran: Oh God, I need a Tylenol . . .  
  
Amuro: And I need some lube.  
  
Camille: Fresh out.  
  
Amuro: Hey, Camille, you remember that old bottle of whiskey that you said was accidentily mixed with sour milk and begin to have that silicon-like feeling.  
  
Camille: (Hands the bottle to Amuro) You're a sick, sick man . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Well, that's the end of the first. People who've been to the G-Pub will notice some familiar scenarios and such. Hope you all enjoyed the first chapter. If you've got any suggestions or death threats, e-mail me at nupsyco0markii@aol.com. Anyway, credit to the foundation and building of the G-Pub and everything surrounding it go to great guys like AmuroNT1, necropenguin, among other influential parties.  
  
And, if you haven't noticed, the whole Unit BUTCHHOUND thing is influenced from Metal Gear Solid. Yeah, expect Metal Gear Solid crossovers, as well as crossovers from other video games and anime. 


	2. And the Shamelessness Continues

The G-Pub Chapter 2: And the Shamelessness Continues  
  
Girl (to Amuro): You're kinda' cute, what's your name?  
  
Amuro: I'm Amuro Ray, but I should warn you that I have Captain Kirk's Syndrome.  
  
Girl: What's that?  
  
A random object flies by and kills the girl.  
  
Camille: Too bad, she was cute.  
  
Amuro: (Sighs) They always are . . .  
  
As Amuro gulps down an entire bottle of vodka, Char steps into the bar with his new date.  
  
Char: Bartender, a round for me and my lady friend.  
  
Bartender: You nuts, buddy! I can't serve her she's just a little kid.  
  
Char: I think she is quite a woman.  
  
Bartender: What the hell? Are you some kind of pedophile?  
  
Char: No . . . (Sweating nervously) . . . I umm . . . just have a thing for young girls.  
  
Amuro: (Plastered as hell) Yeah, lemme' tell you how many times I've seen this . . . umm . . . one . . . three . . . seven.  
  
Gyunei: Yeah, this is like the fifty-somethingth time he's done this. He's a pervert!  
  
The melodic chanting of the word pervert begins to echo across the bar as dozens more of the wasted cartoon barflies join in.  
  
Char: SHUT UP! It isn't like I do anything with them.  
  
Gyunei: Of course not, they always die before you can get to second base. Poor Quess . . .  
  
Gyunei bursts into tears and orders several more beers.  
  
Amuro: I'll second that, Gyunei old chap. I miss you Lalah!  
  
Char: Be quiet, it's not like it happens all the time!  
  
Another random object falls from the sky and kills Char's new girl.  
  
Char: Damn, it happened again! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN!  
  
Amuro: Looks like you have a case of Captain Kirk Syndrome yourself.  
  
Char: Shut up you Feddie scum! Hey, is that Puru I see walking through the door . . . wait no, oh my God twins!"  
  
Char immediately runs over to hit on Puru and Puru Two.  
  
Rain Mikimura: He never learns.  
  
Rain joins Relena Peacecraft and Four Murasame, who are talking while listening to the G-Boys from Gundam W.  
  
The Wing cast is sitting at a booth getting nice and sauced. Wufei seems quite put off.  
  
Heero: (Looking at Wufei) Don't say it . . .  
  
Wufei: . . .  
  
Heero: Don't say it . . .  
  
Wufei: I HAVE TO! SHE'S AN ANNOYING, WHINY, BRATTY...  
  
Suddenly Relena leaps across the table and grabs Wufei by the head.  
  
Relena: Oh yeah? Heat End!  
  
BOOM! The rest of the cast, except for Heero, looks at her in shock  
  
Relena: (Plays with her hair innocently, with a King of Hearts-type emblem visible on her hand) Umm . . . you saw nothing . . .  
  
Heero: I warned him . . .  
  
Allenby: Relena has a King of Hearts emblem?  
  
Four: Must be foreshadowing.  
  
Amuro: Uh . . . huh . . . uh . . .huh . . . (Throws up)  
  
Camille: Sweet Jesus, I've got to take you home.  
  
Four: Camille, be home before 10, we're gonna' see the sequel to last nights' two hour movie.  
  
Camille: Sequel to what movie?  
  
Four: You know, on our Sony camera?  
  
Camille: Oh, THAT, movie. Right . . .  
  
Allenby: He lasts two whole hours?  
  
Four: Uber-Newtypes are oh-so uber-sensitive . . .  
  
Allenby: Looks like you two have a great relationship . . .  
  
Four: Of course. Sex is such a great power between us. I threatened not to give him any unless he went to counseling to get off that stuff Kira was selling.  
  
Camille drags Amuro out the door. While on the outside, we see a burly man in a MaHa jacket pushing a Mr. Peanut-suited Hathaway out the door.  
  
Bouncer: Nice try, kid.  
  
Hathaway: Man, I'll never get to meet a kino bunny!  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
President of Funimation: How are we doing?  
  
Mad Dog: I am Mad Dog of Unit BUTCHHOUND, sir!  
  
President: No shit. Now, what have you done?  
  
Mad Dog: I've created an inside player by taking the arm of a man named "Liquid Weasel", and attached it the hand of Loran Cehack. We'll take Gundam from the inside!  
  
President: Excellent. When does the plan go into effect?  
  
Mad Dog: I'm not sure. It could sometime during the end of this Chapter, or the next, or the one after, or whenever.  
  
President: WHAT?! I need immediate results!  
  
Mad Dog: I am sorry, sir. Please, give me a chance to infiltrate the bar and get things done.  
  
President: You better . . . for your sake. (Uses Newtype powers to do the famous Darth Vader choke on Mad Dog)  
  
Mad Dog: Ack . . . gah . . .please . . . let . . . beh . . .me . . ugh . . . go . . .  
  
The next day, at the bar . . .  
  
Char walks in with his new woman.  
  
Char: (Whispering) Psst, hey guys, check out my new squeeze . . .  
  
Domon: Wow! She's over the age of 14!  
  
The random object flies out of nowhere and kills her.  
  
Char: All right, damnit, that's it, we need to find out what the hell that thing is.  
  
Amuro: Yeah man, how many times does that happen to us?  
  
Char: It seems every time I get a girlfriend something comes out of nowhere . . .  
  
Amuro: . . . and does them in.  
  
Char: Well it's usually you.  
  
Amuro: What's that supposed to mean?!  
  
Char: Oh nothing. But, we have to figure out what the heck that thing is or I'm never gonna' get any anytime soon.  
  
Amuro: Me either.  
  
Char: Hmm . . . Cima . . . come here.  
  
Cima Garahau: What is it?  
  
Char: Cima, I love you.  
  
The object flies by and kills Cima.  
  
Amuro: There it goes!  
  
Char: Which way damn it!  
  
Amuro: Over there, it went under the table!  
  
Walks over to the accused table and looks under it.  
  
Char: Well it isn't here now. For such a 'powerful' Newtype you sure can't see worth shit.  
  
Amuro: It has to be here somewhere. Let's try it again!  
  
Amuro walks over to Haman Kahn.  
  
Amuro: I really don't like you anyway . . . so . . .  
  
Haman: NO, PLEASE DONT!  
  
Amuro: I love you!  
  
The object flies out and kills Haman.  
  
Char: Holy shit, that was close!  
  
Amuro: Hmmm, this is getting fun! Hey Gato, come here!  
  
Char: I knew you were!  
  
Amuro: No I just want to kill Gato, I swear!  
  
Char: (Sarcastically) Suuuuure.  
  
Amuro: I swear!  
  
Char: Leave your fantasies for later. Let's find out what keeps killing everybody!  
  
Amuro: Hey Rain!  
  
Rain: Ahhhhh! Domon help!  
  
Domon: Don't say it! I love you Rain!  
  
The object flies out and Domon pushes Rain out of the way just in the nick of time.  
  
Amuro: You too!  
  
Domon: Yes . . . I mean no . . . I would never say that to anyone else Rain!  
  
Rain throws Domon across the bar into a table.  
  
Rain: I knew it! Who is it Domon! Is it that scuzzy Kycilia Zabi!?  
  
Domon: No I swear! It's nobody!  
  
Rain: Sure . . . hey Domon . . . guess what! I . . .  
  
Domon: No don't say it!  
  
Rain: . . . love . . .  
  
Domon: Oh shit!  
  
Rain: . . . you!  
  
The object flies out and nearly hits Domon who is lucky enough to roll out the way  
  
Rain: I'm leaving!  
  
Rain storms out.  
  
Char: This is taking to long! I want some booty!  
  
Amuro: I still think I should try it on Gato.  
  
Char: SHUT UP! Geez, no means no!  
  
Amuro: So then who should we try it on next?  
  
Char: How the hell am I supposed to know, you think killing people is easy?  
  
Amuro: You make it seem that way.  
  
Char: (Smiling) I do don't I. So where is an army of Puru clones when I really need one?  
  
Amuro: Good idea, I'll go find Judua he knows.  
  
Char: And I'll just sit here and drink . . . hurry the hell up!  
  
Five minutes later, Amuro comes back with Camille, Judua, and five Puru clones.  
  
Char: About time!  
  
Amuro: Yeah, it took a little while.  
  
Char: Lets get this party started!" (Looks as two of the clones) I love you both!  
  
The object flies out and kills the two clones of Char's affection.  
  
Char: SWEET! Double-whammy!  
  
Amuro: Your sick!  
  
Char: Come on! We can always make more.  
  
Judua: What the hell was that thing?!  
  
Char: A pain in my ass . . .  
  
Camille: That's the thing you need my help to stop?  
  
Amuro: Yep.  
  
Camille: Okay, here's the plan, one of us proposes to a clone and the rest of us use our Newtype powers to stop whatever the hell it is.  
  
Amuro: Okay, but will it work?  
  
Camille: Well, we have three . . .  
  
Char: I love you....  
  
*SLICE!*  
  
Char: (Laughing) That's so cool to watch!  
  
Camille: . . . make that two chances to see if it works. So we don't have any room for mistake.  
  
Amuro: Judua, since your the weakest Newtype, you talk to the clones and the rest of us will stop that thing. Okay . . . on the count of three.  
  
A/C/J/C: One . . .  
  
A/C/J/C: Two . . .  
  
A/C/J/C: Thr . . .  
  
Char: I LOVE YOU!  
  
*SMASH!*  
  
Char: (Laughs, and then pauses to breath) That is so awesome!  
  
Amuro: Damn it Char, we weren't ready!  
  
Judua: I was supposed to do that!  
  
Char: Sorry, it's just that she was a girl . . . and she was young . . . I couldn't help myself.  
  
Camille: Let's try this again.  
  
Amuro: This is our last clone, let's make it count.  
  
A/C/J/C: One . . .  
  
A/C/J/C: Two . . .  
  
A/C/J/C: Three!  
  
Judua: I love you!  
  
The object flies out only to hit a wall of sheer Newtype energy, it hits the ground.  
  
Char: All right! Now, what the hell is it!?  
  
Amuro: I don't know. (Snickers) I've never seen anything like it.  
  
Seabook Arno, wasted at a table nearby peers over.  
  
Seabook: Its a Bug, they're from my movie, Gundam F91, that's why you don't know what it is.  
  
Char: Look at this, theres an antenna on the top of it.  
  
Amuro: Somebody here has a remote control for this thing!?  
  
Char: It would seem so, but who . . .  
  
They are distracted by the sound of the door opening, they peer over only to see a man in a blue life jacket trying to flee the scene.  
  
Char: Hey where do you think you are going buddy?  
  
Domon: Get over here!  
  
Domon tackles the figure while Char and Amuro run over to assist.  
  
Char: Turn him over let's see who it is!  
  
C/D/A: Oh my God turn it back over! Turn it back over!  
  
Mad Dog: Well, it's just beautiful little me!  
  
Char: Who are you?  
  
Mad Dog: I'll never talk!  
  
Amuro: We'll kill you!  
  
Mad Dog: I don't care!  
  
Char: We'll torture you!  
  
Mad Dog: So do it, then!  
  
Judau: (Smiles) We'll cut you're "sausage" off.  
  
Mad Dog: No! Nothing but that!  
  
Amuro: (Has an evil smile): Take his pants off, boys.  
  
Mad Dog: Okay, I'll talk! I'm Mad Dog from Special Dub-Butcher Task Force BUTCHHOUND!  
  
Amuro: Wait, you mean the group infamous for attacking innocent anime and turning them into horrible dubs formed by 4Kids and hired by groups like Nelvana and Funimation? God, the victims . . . Yu-Gi-Oh! . . . Cardcaptor Sakura . . . they're almost as bad as that doujin where me and Char -  
  
Char: I told you never to bring that up again.  
  
Amuro: Anyway, if this is the case, go away, then. We don't care who you are and if it was you. Just don't do it again!  
  
Domon: Well I sure do, not only did you almost kill Rain, but now she knows . . . I mean thinks I'm cheating on her! This heart of mine is aching with a burning . . . ache . . . ah, screw my catch phrase I'm gonna' kick your ass!  
  
Char: Yeah, me too!  
  
Amuro: Ditto!  
  
They all proceed to pummel Mad Dog and then hang him upside down from a telephone pole outside.  
  
Char: So why did you do it you ugly freak?  
  
Mad Dog: It's my job. A long time ago . . . they kicked me off Love Hina just because the girls couldn't understand my beauty. Ever since then, all I've cared about was butchering as much anime as I can . . .  
  
Amuro: But you're ugly as sin!  
  
Quinze: No, I am so pretty . . . I could sing.  
  
Domon: THAT'S IT KILL HIM NOW! QUICK!  
  
Amuro fidgets with the control device for the Bug they found on Mad Dog.  
  
Char: All because you were jealous. Buh bye  
  
The now un-random object kills Mad Dog.  
  
Amuro: Well I'm glad that's over.  
  
Domon: Yeah, for you guys, but Rain is gonna' kill me when I get home.  
  
Char: Umm, yeah how unfortunate for you . . . hey where's that last Puru clone?  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	3. Damn the Zeons

The G-Pub Chapter 3: Damn the Zeons  
  
Anavel Gato, Augille Delaz, Paptimus Scirroco, and Gym Ginginham all sit together at a table. Paptimus Scirroco is smoking a rather robust cigar.  
  
Gato looks over at Kou with Nina and Mark with Cynthia.  
  
Gato: Damn, at least their happy . . .  
  
Delaz spits his drink out.  
  
Delaz: Damn, what kind of whiskey is this?  
  
Scirroco: Guys, lighten up. The wars are over. The bar is our life now. Just accept it.  
  
Gato: No! The war is not over! Zeon triumphs over all enemies!  
  
Gym: Guys, if I can accept being this ugly, you can accept the fact the Zeon Duchy lost.  
  
Delaz: NEVER! We will never be happy until superiority is brought to the spacenoids!  
  
Scirroco: And I just had a vision of a future where very beautiful women all sitting with me in a spa for free.  
  
Gym: Can I come?  
  
Scirroco: They'll probably charge you.  
  
Suddenly, Gihren Zabi walks in with a podium, prepared to give a speech.  
  
Gihren: Loyal followers of Zeon! Our cause is not over!  
  
Gato and Delaz: YES! SIEG ZEON!  
  
Gihren: All of Zeon will belong to me after I kill my siblings again, father again, and destroy fleets with my laser!  
  
Gato and Delaz begin jumping up and down like a school girl at an N'Sync concert.  
  
Gato and Delaz: Go Gihren! Go Gihren! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!  
  
Gihren: And all of Zeon will rule the universe!  
  
Gato and Delaz: Oh my God! He's soooooooooo sexy!  
  
Gihren waves at Gato and Delaz.  
  
Gato: Oh my God! He just waved at me!  
  
Delaz: No! He waved at me!  
  
Gato: Shut up prissy little white boy!  
  
Delaz: Quiet! I am your superior and I say he waved at me!  
  
Gato: Yes, sir . . .  
  
Scirroco: (Shaking his head): Damn Zeeks . . .  
  
Scirocco's cell phone rings, and he answers it.  
  
Scirocco: Yes, this is "Pappy's Escort Service". How may I procure for you? (Speaking from the phone) Yes, my girls will do anything. (More from the phone) . . . Well, maybe not that.  
  
Camille walks up to him.  
  
Camille: You and I need to talk.  
  
Scirocco: (To phone) Can you call me back, I have a pressing matter. (Hangs up) So, what can I do you for, Cammy-boy?  
  
Camille: I'm here to put a stop to this. Do you have any idea what you're doing to people?!  
  
Scirocco: Providing a giddy little thrill at a reasonable price?  
  
Camille: Quatre nearly bankrupted his family's business paying for your escorts! He pawned Sandrock to pay for your last girl!  
  
Scirocco: So the boy has specific tastes . . . so to speak. Heh, heh.  
  
Camille: And I your drug business is out of control.  
  
Scirocco: Hey, I just sell a few medicinal herbs I grew out near Jupiter. Your friends seem to like them.  
  
He points over at a table where the main AEUG crew is getting nice and stoned, complete with laughter and munchies.  
  
Scirroco: And look over at that.  
  
He points over at Amuro, who's stoned out of his gourd.  
  
Camille: Amuro, don't tell me you still use that junk!  
  
Amuro: Hey man, this is medicinal. If I use it, I can get strange psychic powers and stuff.  
  
Camille: . . . you already have psychic powers. You're a Newtype, remember?  
  
Amuro: Dude, you're harshing my groove.  
  
Camille: How can you possibly justify this?!  
  
Scirocco: I just needed some cash to spice up The O.  
  
Out the window, we can see The O, complete with spoilers and a shiny new paint job.  
  
Camille: You've gotta' be kidding me . . .  
  
Scirocco: I even got gold rims.  
  
We get a close up of the feet, which are golden.  
  
Scirocco: And check out the sound system!  
  
He presses a button on a keychain and The-O's pecks open up, revealing massive speakers that start blaring techno music.  
  
Camille: . . . This is a nightmare . . .  
  
Scirocco: Wait a second. (Puts on a fur coat and wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in the band.) NOW it's a nightmare, right?  
  
Camille: I wish I was comatose again . . .  
  
Scirocco: You know . . . I have some friends who could get you a petition for a name change. How does Hercules Q. Einstein sound?  
  
Camille: . . . I'm listening . . .  
  
Scirroco gets another phone call.  
  
Scirroco: Hmm? Mmm hmph. (Hangs up) I gotta' go. (Throws Camille a newspaper) Take care, my boy.  
  
Camille starts reading the newspaper.  
  
Camille: Wow, there are a lot of abductions going on lately.  
  
Char: Please. Anyone who falls for the old "Hey, Mister" bit and gets whopped on the head deserves to be kidnapped. Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.  
  
Char walks out and gets stopped by a guy in Neo Zeon uniform.  
  
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.  
  
Char: Yes, comrade?  
  
Another Neo Zeon soldier sneaks up behind him and bashes Char's head with a sap.  
  
Char: I said "yes", not "hit me hard on the head". (Passes out)  
  
Time lapse. Char is in a dungeon, being tortured by a guy who only speaks Spanish.  
  
Char: So, if I don't swear to loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire. But if I DO swear loyalty to Glemmy, you'll dangle me over a big fire and cut off . . .  
  
Spanish Guy: Sus testículos!  
  
Char: . . . Yes, those with a . . . rusty farm impliment of some kind that we couldn't work out. Well, you only live once. I swear loyalty to Glemmy.  
  
The guy runs off and returns with . . .  
  
Char: (Sarcasm) Oh, it's a scythe!  
  
Voice: That's enough!  
  
The guy runs off in terror as his master, Gyunei Guss enters.  
  
Gyunei: So, we meet again, Char Aznable.  
  
Char: (Looks blank) Sorry, no.  
  
Gyunei: Do you remember Axis? That dark-haired child who you said had the greatest Newtype potential you had ever sensed?  
  
Char: My God . . .  
  
Gyunei: That's right! I was his teenaged baby-sitter!  
  
Char: YOU were Alyssa? But I slept with you!  
  
Gyunei: For my cause, I will go to any lengths. When Haman hears that I've kidnapped you, she'll pay me richly for your release. I'll then use that money to buy Nu Gundam and prove myself the greatest Newtype of all time!  
  
Char: Hah, you're certainly underestimating Haman if you think she'll fold to your demands.  
  
Gyunei: Oh, okay then. Don't feel too lonely, you'll soon have a guest.  
  
In the Pub . . .  
  
Scirocco: Say Haman, have you seen Char around lately? He has my little black book.  
  
Haman: Haven't seen him for the past week, sorry.  
  
Scirocco: Oh well.  
  
He goes outside and encounters the two Neo Zeon soldiers.  
  
Neo Zeon Soldier: Hey, Mister.  
  
Scirocco: Yeah?  
  
Time lapse, we're taken to the dungeon.  
  
Scirocco: (Waking up) Uuuugh...my head.  
  
Char: Welcome back to the world of the waking, Pappy.  
  
Scirocco: Char? Where the hell are we?  
  
Char: Oh, at the mercy of a power-hungry artificial Newtype.  
  
Gyunei enters.  
  
Gyunei: Greetings, Paptimus. It's been a while.  
  
Scirocco: I don't believe we've met. Aren't you that kid from Neon Genesis Evangelion?  
  
Gyunei: Argh. Sure we've met. On the Jupitris, there was a blue-haired girl who would bring you snacks while you built your Mobile Suits.  
  
Scirocco: You . . .  
  
Gyunei: Indeed! I was her German Shepard!  
  
Scirocco: Mr. Woofers? But I . . .  
  
Char looks at him funny.  
  
Scirocco: Never mind.  
  
Gyunei: Well, we shall soon see your fate. I've sent a ransom note to Haman, demanding an exorbitant amount of money for each of you. She'll only be able to save one of you, and the other will be tortured to death! (Evil laughter)  
  
Char: Let me guess, your mother died when you were young and your father neglected you to build giant robots. And your legal guardian and friends put lots of sexual stress on you.  
  
Gyunei: I don't know what you're talking about. It was considered quite cool to have inferiority complex where I came from.  
  
Char: Whatever you say, Anno.  
  
Back in the Pub, Haman was having tea with the rest of the girls.  
  
Relena: Nice weather we've been having lately, wouldn't you say so?  
  
Haman: Uh-huh. By the way, I got a ransom note demanding 1 billion dollars each for the safe return of Char and Scirocco.  
  
Four: Tough choice. What are you gonna' do?  
  
In the dungeon . . .  
  
Gyunei: I have received the reply. Let me read it to you.  
  
Char: Typical villain, loves the sound of his own voice.  
  
Scirroco: Most like a typical, screwed up, paranoid Zeon bastard.  
  
Char: Hey, us Zeons take pride in our paranoia.  
  
Gyunei: "Dear Madman: I've done some serious thinking about your demands, and I just can't choose between my old flame Char and my dealer Scirocco. So instead, I'm spending the money on a really big party and male strippers so I can forget about both of them."  
  
Char: WHAT THE . . . ?!  
  
Gyunei: "Hope you're not too mad. Buh-bye."  
  
Char: That girl . . .  
  
Gyunei: This totally ruins my plan, you know. Oh well, at least I get to torture you two.  
  
Char: Hey, I can tell you how to get at Haman during her party.  
  
Scirocco: Char! What happened to your sense of integrity?!  
  
Char: What sense of integrity?  
  
Scirocco: . . . oh yeah.  
  
Gyunei: So you'll both sell out your friend for your freedom?  
  
Char and Scirroco: Yup.  
  
In the bar, the girls are all dressed in casual as flashing disco lights and male strippers fill the place. The usual guys are nowhere to be found.  
  
Christina: This is a great party!  
  
Haman: Yeah, I've almost forgotten about those guys.  
  
Allenby: (Looking slightly tipsy) . . . What guys?  
  
The girls all laugh and clink their glasses together. A guy dressed as a UPS man walks up.  
  
UPS Stripper: There's some guy at the door wearing a military uniform.  
  
Haman: Ooh, how kinky. Did he say what his name was?  
  
Char: (Bursting through the door) The Red Comet!  
  
Haman: Hi there Char, it seems like you got away just fine.  
  
Char: Right. Unfortunately, I'm not alone.  
  
Scirocco comes in and kisses Haman's hand.  
  
Scirocco: But how could I resist the beauty and bitch-ness of She Who Rules All of Space?  
  
Sayla: So, how did you get away from that guy anyway?  
  
Char: Thanks for reminding me.  
  
He pulls out a gun and shoots Four. Camille runs in.  
  
Camille: FOUR!!!  
  
Char: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the master of disguise and our erstwhile captor, Gyunei Guss.  
  
Gyunei: How did you know?  
  
Char: Simple, actually. I knew that if Haman threw a party, she'd be sure to invite all her Shuffle friends. Therefore, I suggested you disguise yourself as Four, which would make your horridly unshorn legs that much more obvious.  
  
Camille: (Looks at Gyunei's hairy legs) Eww! (Drops him)  
  
Gyunei: Very clever. (Pulls off his wig) So we meet again, Haman...  
  
Haman: Um . . . you'll have to refresh my memory.  
  
Gyunei: Do you remember the arrogant, red-headed pilot from Axis High School?  
  
Haman: You . . .  
  
Gyunei: Yes! I was her quiet, introverted friend!  
  
Haman: Shinji Ikari?  
  
Gyunei: ARGH! NO!! (Gets up and starts slinking off) I will return, and reap my revenge!  
  
Char: No, you will die and be buried!  
  
He shoots Gyunei again, who groans.  
  
Everyone: Huzzah!  
  
Char: Odd fellow.  
  
Haman: Welcome back, but the rest of your friends are busy looking for a bar that isn't featuring men removing their clothes for a crowd of drunken and frustrated women.  
  
A sequined thong lands on Char's head.  
  
Char: I think I see why. I'm outta' here.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
President of Funimation: Unit BUTCHHOUND, what is your status?  
  
Mysterious Lead Figure: We are currently undergoing a plan to kidnap a member of the Gundam World and interrogate him. We'll get some information . . .  
  
President: Excellent! I await your success . . .  
  
(Insert heavy, evil laughing)  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	4. Char clones galore!

Yes, this is one of my personal favorites. Is it because I shamelessly begin to self-insert myself? No, that can't be it. But, it's time to start parodying the Char-clone thing. Though, the majority of this chapter is the Bug thingee Mark-II. Go on and read:  
  
The G-Pub Chapter 4: Char clones galore!  
  
Another night at the G-Pub, another underage date for Char Aznable. Char walks through the door with the last surviving Peru clone and sits at the bar  
  
Char: WAZZUP AMURO!  
  
Amuro: You're unusually chipper today, Red Comet.  
  
Char: It's just that I'm so happy that I can finally take the girl . . .  
  
Char shows up with Puru Two.  
  
Amuro: Umm, Char, it's a clone. It has no sex.  
  
Char: Liar! You're just jealous because I'm finally happy! I love her no matter what!  
  
An object flies out and kill the Puru clone.  
  
Char: %$^# @?! *&%^$ $#%#!*@!!!  
  
Amuro: What the hell . . .! I thought you said you loved her!  
  
Char: I did . . . (Sobs) Oh well, she was an "it" anyway, no biggie.  
  
Amuro: How could you kill her!?  
  
Char: I didn't do it.  
  
Amuro: My ass, you're the only one with the remote control for that bug thingee.  
  
Char: Oh yeah! Now where did I put it, I've been waiting for Heero Yuy to show up and there he is!  
  
Amuro: Don't try and change the subject.  
  
Char: I'm not, you just don't want me to kill him.  
  
Amuro: Shut up! Char, this is inexcusable! First you killed your "it"- friend and you're aiming at him now. I won't allow it.  
  
Char: Wait, I didn't do that. (Points to the mangled corpse of the Puru clone)  
  
Amuro: Than who did? That Mad Dog guy is dead!  
  
Char: Did you ever think that maybe Mad Dog got rebuilt as a robot and is getting his revenge?  
  
Amuro: This isn't Dragonball you idiot.  
  
Char: So maybe there's just more of these insect thingies?  
  
Amuro: Its a bug . . . and I doubt it.  
  
Char: There's one way to find out. Hmm, where's an ex-girlfriend when I need one?  
  
Amuro: Since most of them are six feet under you won't find one here!  
  
Char: THAT'S IT! You're a genius! We'll just go the graveyard and . . .  
  
Amuro: NO! You remember what happened last time you desecrated a graveyard and dug up corpses!  
  
Char: Yeah, that family of moose was rather irate, but I scored big on the black market!  
  
Amuro: Your illegal escapades are of no relevance. We have to find out what is going on again!  
  
Char: Or I'll never get nookie!  
  
Amuro: It was an "it" anyway.  
  
Char: So if you won't let me dig up corpses, jerk, than we will just have to use live bait.  
  
Amuro: No we can't kill anybody else.  
  
Char: Than what do we do?  
  
Amuro: Let's go find Seabook, maybe he knows something.  
  
The two men walk over to find Seabook boozing away at his table.  
  
Amuro: Hey Seabook!  
  
Seabook: Hiya guys.  
  
Char: We need you to do us a favor.  
  
Seabook: What?  
  
Char: Could you go to the graveyard and . . .  
  
Amuro: No! Don't listen to him. We need to know more about the bugs. Where did they come from?  
  
Seabook: Oh well Iron Mask Korozo sells them on the streets nowadays  
  
Char: You mean the guy that manages to rip off me and Darth Vader at the same time?  
  
Seabook: That's him. It's to support his crack habit, really.  
  
Amuro: So anybody could have one.  
  
Seabook: Pretty much. Especially since he says that they are children's toys.  
  
Amuro: Well thanks for your help.  
  
The two walk back to the bar.  
  
Char: Well that got us no where.  
  
Amuro: Not true, we just need to go to that rock-head Korozo and see how many he sold.  
  
Char: What a waste of time. We should just go to the graveyard and do things the easy way.  
  
Amuro: Get Scirroco.  
  
Char: Why?  
  
Amuro: Just in case Korozo doesn't want to talk, we've got a Mafioso with us.  
  
Down the street they find Korozo.  
  
Amuro: This might be tough. He won't divulge his information without trust, so we'll try to earn his trust before we use you Scirroco.  
  
Scirroco: Gotcha. By the way, how much am I getting paid for this?  
  
Amuro: Umm . . . we'll decide when we get back to the Pub. Let's go.  
  
The three confront Korozo.  
  
Korozo: You guys wants to buys some tops?  
  
Scirroco: Hey, you're one of my best customers.  
  
Korozo: Oh shit! I-I-I swear, I paid your boys last month.  
  
Amuro: No, nothing to worry about. We just want to chat.  
  
Korozo: Well I don't wanna' talk unless you two buy one of my tops.  
  
Amuro: (Lying) We already did, remember.  
  
(Points at Char who is having fun slaughtering pedestrians with his bug)  
  
Korozo: Oh ok. So what's do you guys wanna' know?  
  
Amuro: Did anybody else buy one of your tops?  
  
Korozo: I forgot. Do you have any black tar heroin to help jog my memory?  
  
Char: Look cut the crap old man! Who did it! Tell me or I'll kill you.  
  
Korozo: Love and peace brother!  
  
Char: Cram it you chromed hippie. I swear I'll use your top on you!  
  
Scirroco: And remember who they're with . . . they'll never find your body . . .  
  
Korozo: No! It was these two ugly guys. One wore some tight black gear, but I don't recall the other one.  
  
Char: Earn his trust, huh?  
  
They walk back to the bar. Scirroco leaves them to take care of some other "business".  
  
Char: Once again you got us no where!  
  
Amuro: He said it was two ugly guys. One in tight black gear, that's Mad Dog. But he's dead. Who else could it be?  
  
Char: Maybe the second ugly guy, stupid!  
  
Amuro: Don't patronize me! I mean who is the ugly guy!  
  
Char: Ugly guys. Lets see, there's Dozle Zabi, and hey, over there is Mora Boscht . . . damn, there's so many!  
  
Amuro: Who here hates you for your popularity with the ladies?  
  
Char: You.  
  
Amuro: Shut up!  
  
Char: I say I just beat them all up, except Mora Boscht. You can fight that fight.  
  
Amuro: That isn't the way to solve this.  
  
Char: What the hell, this isn't Scooby Doo. I don't need to follow you around like your that ascot-wearing ass Fred and were trying to solve a groovy mystery. I listened to your suggestions already and all it did was draw out this skit way too much! I'm doing things my way!  
  
Char walks over to the nearest table.  
  
Char: Did you kill all my girlfriends!  
  
Quinze: Yes I did!  
  
Char: See Amuro, wasn't that easy?!  
  
Amuro: Jinkies.  
  
Char: So why did you do it! Are you jealous too?  
  
Quinze: Me, jealous? Ha! Umm . . . yes. So, I killed all your girlfriends! To prove a point. That it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, it's what's inside that counts!  
  
Char: But you're a murderer. I'm sure that your inside isn't that pretty either. I can't be much worse than that face though, good God. I mean they have surgery that can fix things like that now.  
  
Quinze: Irrelevant I will kill everyone you love!  
  
Char: Wouldn't it be much easier for you to kill me, or at least kill Amuro?  
  
Amuro: Leave me out of this.  
  
Quinze: . . . Umm. Yeah I guess it would. DIE!!!  
  
Quinze pulls out the control for his bug. Char does the same, the two bugs begin an aerial dogfight that lasts until Char, who is getting a little too excited snaps his control stick and his bug crashes into a wall and explodes.  
  
Char: Damn it! Screw that thing, I'll just beat you up!  
  
Quinze's bug flies towards Char and he ducks, the bug imbeds into the floor.  
  
Char: I'm gonna' beat the ugly out of you!  
  
Quinze: On the contrary. That isn't possible. (Sees Char coming) Oh shit!  
  
Quinze turns around to run, only to be caught by Domon.  
  
Domon: Rain broke up with me. It's all your faults she found out!  
  
Quinze: No please!  
  
Domon: My foot burns with an awesome power! Its leather boot tells me to KICK YOUR ASS!  
  
Domon gives Quinze the thrashing of his life, while Char and Amuro watch.  
  
Char: I was so gonna' do that.  
  
Amuro: I didn't think arms could bend like that.  
  
Char: It can't. See it just fell off.  
  
Amuro: Ouch!  
  
Char is busy trying out Quinze's bug.  
  
Char: Well since he probably isn't alive anymore I'll just take this.  
  
Amuro: Where are you going?  
  
Char: To show Iron mask Korozo some of that love he wanted!  
  
Amuro: Don't you think there's been enough killing in this sketch?  
  
Char: Nope. Plus I'm doing the public a favor. I'm confiscating these.  
  
Amuro: I'm sure the world is safe with multitudes of killing machines in your capable hands.  
  
Char: That's the spirit!  
  
Quinze: Wait . . . I . . . must . . .  
  
Amuro: I think he's trying to say something.  
  
Char: Who cares?  
  
Quinze: Unit BUTCHHOUND . . .  
  
Amuro: What about them?  
  
Quinze: They plan to take over . . . they're taking it back . . .  
  
Amuro: Taking what back?  
  
Quinze: Gundam . . .  
  
Amuro: How do you know this?  
  
Quinze: They paid me . . . as . . . as a distraction . . .  
  
Camille walks over.  
  
Camille: As a distraction so that they could kidnap one of our comrades and hold him hostage?  
  
Char: Ugh, I've had enough of hostage situations.  
  
Amuro: Camille, how did you know all that?  
  
Camille: My uber-Newtype powers.  
  
Amuro: Why did you decide to tell us all of this?  
  
Quinze: Because you guys . . . you guys . . . made me see . . . how ugly I was . . .  
  
Char: And that's a good thing?  
  
Quinze: Please, before . . . before I die . . . cover my face with a nice mask . . .  
  
Char: With pleasure.  
  
Char finds a mask of Allenby and puts it on Quinze. Quinze dies with the mask on.  
  
Camille: Sounds like we're in a whole lot of danger.  
  
Amuro: Yeah, but, who did he kidnap?  
  
Amuro looks over at an empty table, and looks at the cushion chair which has a large ass imprint in it.  
  
Amuro: Oh boy.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
Ryu Jose: No! Please! Anything but that!  
  
Revolver Zero: Mmm . . . mmm . . . mmm, KFC Chicken.  
  
Revolver Zero takes a bite.  
  
Ryu: No! I want some!  
  
Zero: Save it, pudgy.  
  
Ryu: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you THE Revolver Zero, that guy on GameFAQs' forums aka RPGZero, aka RPGZeta of Animenation, and is aka Neochronus, the writer of this very story?! What are you doing working for Unit BUTCHHOUND?  
  
Zero: Ssh! You're blowing my cover, man.  
  
Ryu: Oh, sorry. So, what are you doing here?  
  
Zero: Trying to spy on Unit BUTCHHOUND. I work for an underground group. BUTCHHOUND wants to take Gundam back for their demented purposes. I'm here to stop them and recover a new type of weapon that combines the best technology between Gundam and Metal Gear.  
  
Ryu: I see. Who do you work for?  
  
Zero: The Titans.  
  
Ryu: The Ono-mato-poe-ia?! But how is that possible?!  
  
Zero: And the Patriots.  
  
Ryu: The La-li-lu-le-lo? How is that possible?!  
  
Zero: And don't forget the GnBS.  
  
Ryu: The Gee-en-bee-ess?! Whoa!  
  
Liquid Char steps into the room.  
  
Ryu (Sarcasm): Gasp! Another Char clone . . .  
  
Liquid Char: Shut up! (Turns to Zero) Zero! How's the hostage doing?  
  
Zero turns the knob for the electrocution torturing chamber on. Ryu feels the electricity rip through his body.  
  
Ryu: Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!  
  
Zero: He'll talk soon, boss. (Turns the electricity off)  
  
Liquid Char: I've brought us a friend to help read his mind . . .  
  
Liquid Char introduces BUTCHHOUND member - Newtype Gerbil.  
  
Zero: Hey! Aren't you Chronicle Asher from Victory Gundam!?  
  
Newtype Gerbil: Yes, but I got tired of being used for demented purposes over and over again. I've joined the ranks of BUTCHHOUND! Now, let's try reading his mind. (Begins doing the YMCA) Hmm, harder than I thought . . .  
  
Zero: Well, it's time to begin the REAL torture . . .  
  
Ryu: Oh no . . .  
  
Zero: We'll start the torture with a marathon of Gundam movies!  
  
Ryu: Oh . . . that doesn't sound bad.  
  
Zero: Starting with the live action Gundam movie - G-SAVIOUR!  
  
Ryu: NO!!!  
  
(From the TV Playing G-Saviour:)  
  
Mark Currant: Oh, she may be old, but she still got a lot of moves in.  
  
(/TV)  
  
Ryu: (Trying to turn his head away): Dear . . . God . . . the pain . . .  
  
(From the TV:)  
  
Mimi: I would kill for a martini.  
  
Bartender: The way I'm mixing it, you'd think you were in Italy. (Goes to grab his gun)  
  
Cynthia: Uh, wait, scratch that. We're all going to start off with a pitcher of the Philippe margaritas.  
  
Bartender: You all want the Philippe?  
  
Mimi: No, I want the Martini.  
  
Bartender: That's my girl. (Goes for the gun)  
  
Cynthia: Mimi, have the Philippe margaritas with the rest of us.  
  
Mimi: Cindy, I really resent you ordering my drinks, thank you.  
  
(/TV)  
  
Ryu (Coughing up blood): Damn you, Zero . . . damn you and your black soul . . .  
  
A few minutes pass . . .  
  
Liquid Char: (Feels Ryu's pulse) You fool! You killed him!  
  
Zero: I kill lots of people. What's your point?  
  
Liquid Char: You weren't supposed to kill this one! Now we'll never get the info we need!  
  
Zero: Did you specifically tell me not to kill him?  
  
Liquid Char: It was implied!  
  
Zero Char: That's not what I asked. Did you or did you not specifically tell me not to kill him?  
  
Liquid Char: . . . I did not. But -  
  
Zero: Well, then this is really your fault, isn't it?  
  
Liquid Char: No!  
  
Zero: Isn't it?  
  
Liquid Char: No, it's not!  
  
Zero: Isn't it? Isn't it really?  
  
Liquid Char: . . . no?  
  
Zero: Are you sure?  
  
Char: No?  
  
Zero: Then whose fault was it?  
  
Liquid: . . . mine?  
  
Zero: That's right. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.  
  
Liquid Char walks away and sits in the corner.  
  
Gerbil: . . . how'd you do that?  
  
Zero: The genes. He's just as stupid as Char Aznable.  
  
Gerbil: Heh. Hey, hey . . . I think I've got an idea, Zero . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	5. Court Trouble Phase 1

The G-Pub Chapter 5: Court Trouble - Phase 1  
  
At the Pub . . .  
  
The door swings open and a group of strangers walk through the door. Every one stares at the group, not recognizing any of them. They walk over to Char like they know what they are doing.  
  
Man #1: Char, wazzup!  
  
Char: I hate people who say wazzup! Who the hell are you?  
  
Man #1: Aw, you're always joshin' me around, good buddy.  
  
Char: Really man, I don't know who you are, and I really don't care either.  
  
Man #1: Captain Char, your joking right? It's me Gene.  
  
Char: I really could care less, now if you would excuse me I've beer to drink and pre-teens to oogle.  
  
Gene: Jerk, you can't say you don't know me!  
  
Slender: What about me, Captain Char?  
  
Denim: You have to remember me!?  
  
Char: I don't know a damn one of you!  
  
Bob: Anavel, you remember me, huh?  
  
Karius: Commander Gato?  
  
Gato: Quick looking at me like that, I don't know you.  
  
Kult: Cima, please say you know me.  
  
Cima: I don't know you at all, you lunatic.  
  
Random OZ Soldier: Hey, Captain Zechs, don't you remember me?  
  
Zechs: Who are you?  
  
Random OZ Soldier: I'm . . . uh . . . umm . . .  
  
Zechs: You don't even have a name, do you?  
  
Random OZ Soldier: Umm . . . no . . .  
  
Slender: You're all lying! You know us!  
  
Karius: How can all of you say that!  
  
Gene: Were the most important characters here!  
  
Char: You're full of crap! You're all nobodies!  
  
Kult: No we aren't!  
  
Gato: Oh yeah, than what's your last name?"  
  
Gene: . . .  
  
Denim: . . .  
  
Slender: . . .  
  
Bob: . . .  
  
Karius: . . .  
  
Kult: . . .  
  
Random OZ Soldier: . . .  
  
Cima: See, you don't even have last names!  
  
Zechs: And one of you doesn't even have a name!  
  
Char: How can you be important if the creator of the show didn't even give you a last name!  
  
Bob: Shut up! We were still important!  
  
Gato: How?  
  
Gene: I piloted that Zaku!  
  
Denim: I piloted a Zaku!  
  
Slender: I piloted a Zaku II!  
  
Bob: I piloted a Xamel!  
  
Karius: I piloted a Zaku II!  
  
Kult: I piloted a Zaku!  
  
Random OZ Soldier: I had a Leo!  
  
Cima: You're all so pathetic! Only one of you didn't get a Zaku, while one other had something that gets blown away by just being breathed on!  
  
Char: I'll bet they didn't even have customized colors.  
  
Gato: And I'll bet you all died horrible deaths screaming like a little girl.  
  
Char: Yeah! It's a Gundam! Ahhhhhh! Boom! HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Gato: (Laughing) Good one, Char!  
  
Denim: It's not funny!  
  
Char: No, it's funny as hell. It's just that you are the jokes.  
  
Gato: Yeah, now get out of here you nobodies, or we'll sic Gundam on you.  
  
Char: Yeah! And don't come back!  
  
Gene: You laugh now, but we'll get you back! Wait and see!  
  
Char: Oh no! Don't explode in my vicinity like pathetic cannon fodder!  
  
The group of last-nameless losers leaves the bar vowing revenge  
  
Cima: Gee, maybe we were a little hard on them.  
  
Gato: Yeah right! They got what they deserved.  
  
Char: Yeah, they couldn't touch us if they tried.  
  
Cima: I don't know . . . I have a bad feeling . . .  
  
Meanwhile . ..  
  
Revolver Zero and Newtype Gerbil linger in their base as they go over the plan. Liquid Char is still in the corner thinking.  
  
Zero: So, what's this genius plan, Chronicle?  
  
Gerbil: I introduce to you . . . fellow Unit BUTCHHOUND member - Lawyer Reducto!  
  
Zero: Dude, we got guys from Adult Swim? I thought BUTCHHOUND despises them.  
  
Gerbil: Ah, but Reducto's from the comedy lineup. Don't you just love getting around the yellow tape? Now, time to get back at my former Gundam allies . . .  
  
Days Later, At the G-Pub . . .  
  
Char comes running into the Pub  
  
Char: Craaaaap! Amuro, look at this!  
  
Amuro: Hah, a subpoena. You're being sued!  
  
Amuro laughs. Even Heero cracks a smile.  
  
Char: Not me. Us!  
  
Amuro: WHAT!!! I didn't get one of these in the mail!  
  
Char: Yeah, they sent me one and told me to tell you. Ain't my fault stamps are so damn expensive.  
  
Amuro: This is impossible, who could sue us? Or at least me anyway?  
  
Heero: . . . I'll kill them . . .  
  
Amuro: Settle down, boy.  
  
Char: Remember those nobodies that came in here a few days ago . . .  
  
Amuro: Who?  
  
Char: Ummm, I don't know. They were all losers. Nobody cares who they are and we all made fun of them and now they are suing.  
  
Amuro: How can they sue just cause' you mad fun of them?  
  
Char: They aren't they are saying they were treated unfairly during the show.  
  
Amuro: WHAT!!! How?  
  
Char: Lets see . . . defamation of character . . . wrongful termination . . . the list goes on.  
  
Heero: I'm to blame for some of that . . .  
  
Amuro: How do you figure?  
  
Heero: Remember how Leo Pilots used to fall by the hundreds?  
  
Char: Hmm . . . can't forget that . . .  
  
Amuro: Geez, what losers . . . don't you see what's going on.  
  
Char: The guy writing this is trying to cash in on the recent success of the G-Pub?  
  
Amuro: Yeah that too, but I think that they're just mad they can't be the star like me.  
  
Char: Yeah something like that. Dude, we gotta' sue them back!  
  
Amuro: But for how much, and for what.  
  
Char: I could call punitive damages, I got a paper cut when I opened the letter, I had to go out and buy a box of band-aids to get the bleeding to stop.  
  
Amuro: So how much were the band-aids?  
  
Char: $4.97, that includes the tax.  
  
Amuro: Than it's settled! We're gonna' sue them back for five dollars!  
  
Char: All right, then! So we just need to get an attorney.  
  
Amuro: Who are we gonna' get.  
  
Char: Don't worry I'll figure it out.  
  
Amuro: No.  
  
Char: Why not?  
  
Amuro: Every time you say that we either end up in an impact crater or a graveyard . . . I think I have valid concerns.  
  
Char: Don't be such a sissy. I got everything under control.  
  
Amuro: Fine, when are opening arguments?  
  
Char: Tomorrow at 12:00.  
  
Amuro: All right. You better not screw this up.  
  
Char: Who, me?  
  
The next day at the court room . . .  
  
Char: Sorry, I'm a little late. I met this cute chick and gave her a ride to school. Man I so got her digits!  
  
Amuro: Lucky the judge isn't here yet either.  
  
Char: That's not like Judge Mightor, he's usually so punctual.  
  
Amuro: We don't have Judge Mightor.  
  
Char: Damn! Judge Mightor is such a pushover . . . who do we have than?  
  
Amuro: I dunno, but I hear she is the meanest creature to ever rap a gavel.  
  
Bailiff: The judge is in session, please report to the court room.  
  
Amuro: Well looks like we better go.  
  
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin.  
  
Char: What the hell!? Friggin' Judge Judy!?  
  
Judy: What did you just say?  
  
Char: Ummm, nothing ma'am . . .  
  
Judy: I'm watching you Mr. Aznable. I'm going to be on you like white on rice on a paper plate in a snow storm.  
  
Amuro: (Under his breath) What the hell does that mean?  
  
Judy: All right now let me get this straight you guys want to sue Mr. Aznable and Mr. Rayas well as others in the court including Mr. Yuy. Mr. Ran, and several others for several charges.  
  
Denim: That is correct your honor.  
  
Judy: And you Mr. Aznable are counter-suing based on punitive damages . . . for five dollars . . . is that correct?  
  
Char: Yep.  
  
Judy: Yep? You will speak properly in my court and address me as your honor. And five dollars? Are you trying to make a mockery of this court Mr. Aznable?  
  
Char: Yep.  
  
Judy: Do you see stupid written on my face?  
  
Char: (Grabs a sharp pencil) Not yet.  
  
Amuro: Stop!  
  
Char: Awwww.  
  
Judy: Now Mr . . . umm . . . Your last name isn't written here.  
  
Denim: That's because none of us have one.  
  
Judy: These charges your suing for, over 7000 charges of murder in the first degree, defamation of character, wrongful termination. These are some serious charges, can you validate them.  
  
Denim: Yes your honor.  
  
Judy: Now these 7,849 counts of murder, who died?  
  
Denim: Us.  
  
Judy: You look alive to me.  
  
Denim: Well we all died in the show.  
  
Judy: And what show is this?  
  
Denim: . . .Mobile Suit Gundam, Zeta Gundam, Char's Counterattack, Gundam W, Gundam X, Victory Gundam, among many others . . .  
  
Judy: Hmm . . . I'll have to check it out. Court will take a recess and will meet again tomorrow.  
  
Char: (Very confident) Man, we're kicking ass.  
  
Amuro: We're doomed . . .  
  
The next day . . .  
  
Judy: After reviewing the selected material and levying the charges against Mr. Aznable and Mr. Ray, and then taking into account that I really don't like Mr. Aznable, the murder charges stand.  
  
Char: Woohoo!  
  
Amuro: You idiot! (Kicks Char in the shin)  
  
Judy: Now these other charges, defamation of character. Do you have evidence to support this?  
  
Denim: Yes your honor, as you could plainly see we were killed off early so we were never allowed to show our true skills. The audience just assumes we suck, but in truth we're better than them.  
  
Char: Bull!  
  
Judy: You're out of order Mr. Aznable!  
  
Char: No that drink machine is out of order, it stole my dollar!  
  
Judy: I'm the boss, applesauce! The charge stands.  
  
Amuro: Damnit!  
  
Judy: Now, wrongful termination?  
  
Denim: Well, unable to cope with the fact that we were better than them, they killed us in the show and than bribed the director fire us.  
  
Judy: Is this true?  
  
Amuro: (Who has bound and gagged Char) No your honor, we were only following the script.  
  
Judy: So your saying that these people were supposed to die in the show.  
  
Amuro: Yes your honor.  
  
Judy: Hmmm, this charge doesn't stand.  
  
Amuro: Yes!  
  
Judy: I will return with a verdict.  
  
An hour later . . .  
  
Judy: Taking into consideration that this was a cartoon I'm dropping all charges against Mr. Ray and Mr. Aznable and they are to be awarded $5.00. However all further Gundam productions by law can have no death in them.  
  
Amuro: Strange verdict?  
  
Char: Dude, I can't kill anyone?  
  
In the judges chambers . . .  
  
Judy: I did as instructed my dark master.  
  
Judge Judy takes off her cloak and reveals herself as Lawyer Reducto . . .  
  
An evil demonic figure appears in a puff of fire and brimstone. It's none other than . . .  
  
President of Funimation: Excellent, my minion! Soon, Gundam will be mine!  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
Liquid Char: So, what did I miss?  
  
Newtype Gerbil: Not much. So, where do we go from here?  
  
Lawyer Reducto: Well . . . I will reprise my role as a lawyer!  
  
Revolver Zero: Sounds reasonable.  
  
Reducto: We're going into Phase 2 of the plan now . . . it is here that we finish off Gundam and bring it to Funimation! And whoever doesn't agree will feel the wrath of my shrink gun!  
  
Liquid: Interesting. I here you're bringing in backup for this plan?  
  
Gerbil: Here he is! The one and only . . .  
  
The lights fade and then turn back on, in the background, a familiar tune begins playing.  
  
Voice: "All right stop, Collaborate and listen, Ice is back with my brand new invention  
  
Something grabs a hold of me tightly, Then I flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, Will it ever stop? Yo -- I don't know. Turn off the lights and I'll glow, To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!"  
  
Vanilla Ice enters the seen trying to break-dance, but slips and lands on his head. He tries to play it off, gets up and continues singing.  
  
Zero: Uh . . . uh huh. I guess I'll come along to just to make sure everything goes well . . . (Mumbling) Vanilla Ice, what the hell are these guys thinking? . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	6. Court Trouble Phase 2

The G-Pub Chapter 6: Court Trouble - Phase 2  
  
Sometime later, at the G-Pub . . .  
  
Relena: Hey, has anyone seen Char lately?  
  
Amuro: After our last court case ended, he was informed he had another important case coming up. And that we were definitely not to follow him.  
  
Relena: Are you pondering what I'm pondering?  
  
Kou: I think so Relena . . . but if Master Shake and Mew had kids, would they be Milkews or Mewshakes?  
  
Amuro: . . . what the hell are you talking about?  
  
Kou: I'm just saying. If Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Mew had kids . . . what would you call them?  
  
Relena: What the hell does that have to do with ANYTHING?  
  
Kou: I don't know. It's just been bothering me lately. I mean . . . haven't you ever questioned it?  
  
Relena: We should go find Char and see what he's doing!  
  
Amuro: But Char said NOT to follow . . . I love it. (Smiles Evily)  
  
Kou: Leave?! As in . . . GO OUTSIDE THE PUB?!?!  
  
Relena: Well . . . yeah.  
  
Kou: But . . . but . . . we haven't left the pub in months!  
  
Amuro: I have . . . I mean . . . I had to go home to sleep.  
  
Relena: So did I.  
  
Kou: . . .  
  
Relena: . . . you mean you've been SLEEPING in here the whole time?  
  
Kou: Like you weren't!  
  
Relena: Nevermind . . . let's just go.  
  
Domon: These feet of mine walk with a tremendous power, they tell me to leave the pub! Here I go . . . to harass Char!  
  
And so . . . the group ventures outside of the pub . . . meanwhile . . .  
  
Char: Umm . . . yeah . . . so . . . I've got this important case coming up tonight.  
  
Harvey Birdman: Uh huh.  
  
Char: You see . . . some young girls CLAIM I sexually harrassed them.  
  
Birdman: How many?  
  
Char: Thirty-five.  
  
Birdman: O_O;  
  
Char: . . . Eighty-three if you count spirits and ghosts.  
  
Birdman: Uh . . . right . . .  
  
Char: Ninety if you count the ones claiming I had sex with them.  
  
Birdman: Umm . . . Any more?  
  
Char: No, no . . . I think it's just them.  
  
Birdman: And is there any TRUTH to these accusations?  
  
Char: Yes.  
  
Birdman: . . .  
  
Char: I mean . . . no.  
  
Birdman: Uh huh, . . . I'll take the case!  
  
Char: You will?  
  
Birdman: Meh, business has been slow lately.  
  
Harvey Birdman's theme plays as the scene fades out . . . and fades back-in at the court room.  
  
Mentok: I am Mentok, the MIND TAKER! OooWeeeOoo!!! Now . . . first . . . let's introduce . . . the defendant!  
  
Char sits down, next to Birdman.  
  
Mentok: And now . . . the jury!  
  
Birdman: Is there any logic to the order your introducing people in?  
  
Mentok: . . . No.  
  
The majority of the people at the G-Pub enter, all wearing sun-glasses.  
  
Char: I object!  
  
Mentok: You can't object to the jury!  
  
Char: But I know them! We've been getting drunk at the pub for the past few months!  
  
Kou: I've never seen this man before in my life!  
  
Relena: Neither have I!  
  
Amuro: He looks a little like Quattro though.  
  
Char: Amuro, you son of a bitch! I'm going to kill you!  
  
Amuro: He's threatening to kill me! I wanna' sue!  
  
Mentok: We're in the middle of a case right now.  
  
Amuro: . . . Can I sue him afterwards?  
  
Mentok: Yes.  
  
Amuro: Whoo!  
  
Char: . . . I hate you.  
  
Mentok: And now . . . the plantiffs!  
  
Izumi (From Digimon Frontier), Kari (Digimon 02), the Olsen Twins, Britney Spears, Quess, Babs Bunny, Suzie/Suichun (Or . . . however her original name was spelt, from Digimon Tamers) and a LONG line of other people too large to fit into the courtroom enter .  
  
Birdman: O_O  
  
Char: . . .  
  
Amuro: . . . Is that a giant pink rabbit?  
  
Babs Bunny: I'm Babs Bunny! (Nods)  
  
Char: I didn't do nothing.  
  
Amuro: Your a sick freak, man..SICK.  
  
Mentok: Alright . . . defense, your opening arguments. (Yawns)  
  
Birdman: (Paces around) I ask you, jury..does Char LOOK like a pedophile?  
  
Amuro: Yes.  
  
Relena: Definetly.  
  
Birdman: Could he possibly have done such evil crimes?  
  
Camille: Yep.  
  
Bernie: Yes. If it weren't for his the war, I wouldn't be on the menu at McDonalds!  
  
Relena: Definetly.  
  
Amuro: I mean, he threw an asteroid at Earth once, leaving me to pit myself against it!  
  
Birdman: Well . . . uh . . . he didn't. (Sits down)  
  
Char: I'm dead aren't I?  
  
Birdman: Hell yeah.  
  
Mentok: Reducto, your arguments.  
  
Lawyer Reducto: . . . I have a shrink gun and will shrink anyone who doesn't think Char's guilty!  
  
Birdman: Objection!  
  
Mentok: I'll allow it.  
  
Reducto: And that's all I have. (Shifts eyes) . . . Back off! (Sits down) I have a shrink gun! (Waves it around)  
  
Amuro: I've heard enough . . . Char's guilty!  
  
Judau: Give him the death penalty!  
  
Relena: I second that!  
  
Char: You people are SO dead after this trial! You hear me?! DEAD!  
  
Birdman: Your not helping your case . . .  
  
Char: . . . (Shuts up)  
  
Reducto: Alright . . . I call to the stands..Britney Spears!  
  
Britney Spears takes her place.  
  
Reducto: Now, Miss Spears . . . is it true the defendant stormed onto stage in one of your concerts?  
  
Spears: Yes . . . he'd been in the front-row of every performance for a while . . . and then . . . one night . . .  
  
Cue flash-back  
  
Char runs on stage.  
  
Spears: AHHH!!!  
  
Char: Ya' know . . . you look SO damn hot . . .  
  
Spears: Get away from me you creepy old man!  
  
Char: But, your a little old for me . . . got a younger sister?  
  
Char is smacked and then chased off by security guards*  
  
End flash-back  
  
Four: . . . FREAK!  
  
Char: Go to hell!  
  
Spears: I had to spend two months in a psychiatric ward afterwards . . . I was so sweet and innocent back then, but that creepy old man just . . . AHHH!! (Shudders)  
  
Reducto: (Sits down) Your witness.  
  
Birdman: Well . . . uh . . .when my client stormed onto stage . . . uh . . . isn't it true that you ASKED him to?  
  
Spears: No!  
  
Birdman: Well . . . uh . . . umm . . . (Looks to Char) . . . help?  
  
Char: Sure.  
  
He pulls out a gun and shoots Spears in the head.  
  
Reducto: Objection!  
  
Birdman: Everyone knows her music sucks! Come on . . . does ANYONE here care if she's dead?!?  
  
There's all silence.  
  
Mentok: . . .Good point, I was hoping someone would shoot her. Next witness!  
  
The Olsen Twins come up .  
  
Mary Kate: He . . . he . . . he said he wanted to rape us!  
  
Ashley: AT THE SAME TIME!  
  
Char: I did no such thing!  
  
Mary Kate and Ashley: LIAR!  
  
Amuro: You were going to have sex with the Olsen Twins . . . at the same time?  
  
Char: You act like that's unusual! I mean . . . NO!  
  
Allenby: . . . FREAK!  
  
Clips of the next few witnesses are shown in rapid sequence  
  
Suzie: He's a bad, bad man!  
  
Kari: Just keep him away from me!  
  
Quess: It's HIS fault I died!  
  
The rapid clips stop at Babs Bunny  
  
Babs: Hi . . . I'm Babs Bunny!  
  
Mentok: And is it true my client forced himself upon you one night?  
  
Babs: YES! Fortunately, I know how to act in self-defense..  
  
Char: Oh no you don't . . . we're going to hear MY side of the story first!!!  
  
Amuro: You keep hitting on young girls . . . FREAK!  
  
Char: Well . . . yeah. I just haven't had any luck lately.  
  
Amuro: Well, duh. No human is going to . . . (Shudders) . . . why do I still talk to you?  
  
Cue Flashback  
  
Char: Not "human", ey? (Leaves the bar, crosses over to the Tiny Toons world, and walks over to Babs Bunny) So . . . you wascally wabbit . . . how bout a date?  
  
Babs: AHHHH!! *drops an anvil on Char's head*  
  
End flash-back  
  
Babs: . . . Well that IS what happened.  
  
Char: See?  
  
Mentok: How does that help your case? You just ADMITED you hit on a little girl!  
  
Char: . . . I did no such thing.  
  
Kou: Yes you did! You said you demanded a date with Babs Bunny!  
  
Birdman: I never should've taken this case . . .  
  
Reducto: And finally . . . I call to the stands . . . Lalah Sune!  
  
Lalah's Spirit enters.  
  
Char: Lalah . . . LALAH!  
  
Amuro: *puts on Ghostbuster's equipment* A ghost . . . kill it! (Sucks Lalah into the trap)  
  
Char: AMURO!!  
  
Amuro: Oh God . . . I killed her . . . AGAIN!  
  
Char: (Sobs) She could've been my mother! And you took that away from me!  
  
Amuro: Mother?!?!  
  
Relena: . . . FREAK!  
  
Char: That's why I did all this . . . it's all because of you!  
  
Mentok: So you confess?  
  
Char: I mean . . . I have no idea what you people are talking about.  
  
Birdman slams his own head onto desk.  
  
Later, when the Jury debates if Char is guilty.  
  
Amuro: He's guilty.  
  
Relena: Guilty.  
  
Rain: Guilty!  
  
Heero: My mission is to declare Char guilty . . . mission accepted.  
  
Domon: My mind is morally outraged by Char's actions! It tells me to say that he's guilty . . . here I go, EXPLODING GUILTY VOTE!!  
  
Kou: I hope he gets the death penalty!  
  
Amuro: Whoo! Death penalty! (everyone high-fives each other and goes back to the court room)  
  
Mentok: Have you reached a verdict already?  
  
Amuro: Hell yes! He's guilty!  
  
Everyone: (Chants) GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!  
  
Char: (Takes off old-school mask) . . . Fortunately, I'm not Char. I am . . . Quattro!  
  
Mentok: No you aren't!  
  
Char: Umm . . . (Puts on glasses) I am Marks Levbo, as according to Zeta's horrible subs!  
  
Amuro: We already went through this . . . you're Char! YOU IDIOT!  
  
Char: Umm . . . ya' know how I called Lalah my mother? Well . . . that's cause I'm really Kou. Yep . . . that crybaby Kou.  
  
Kou: (Leaps up) I'M KOU!! AND I'M NOT A CRYBABY!!!!  
  
Amuro kicks Kou in the shin.  
  
Kou: Ow! (Falls over, sobbing) I want mommy . . .  
  
Char: Umm . . . (Puts on a paper-bag) I am the space alien! Take me to your leader!  
  
Mentok: How long is this going to continue?  
  
Char: I do not speak your language! I am the space alien!  
  
Reducto: That's it! I've had enough?! Is the infamous Gundam villain guilty or what?  
  
Mentok: Bah . . . ya' know what . . . I don't care. Just get him out of here! Case dismissed!  
  
Reducto: What?! You can't do that!  
  
Mentok: Yes I can! Case dismissed!  
  
Reducto: Damn! Time to take off this cloak!  
  
Mentok: Eh?!  
  
Revolver Zero comes out, clapping.  
  
Zero: Excellent case, my friends. They say it's the mark of a good judge . . . and of an idiot. How the hell can you not put this guy in jail?  
  
Mentok: My case, my ruling.  
  
Zero: Is that so?  
  
Reducto: Us of Unit BUTCHHOUND disagree.  
  
Sayla, Four, and Scirroco look at Revolver Zero.  
  
Four: Hmm . . . where do we know him from?  
  
Revolver Zero draws his gun.  
  
Zero: This is the .45 Colt Single Action Army Revolver. The greatest handgun ever made. Six bullets. More than enough to kill anything that moves.  
  
Mentok: I have an AK-47! I'll waste a whole round before you can -  
  
Zero shoots Mentok, killing him.  
  
Kou: We'll help!  
  
The Albion crew of Kou, Keith, Alpha, and three others jump in. Zero drops his Revolver and pulls out his second one, and kills the six before they can even move.  
  
Kou: Mommy . . .  
  
Zero tries to reload his gun, but realizes he left all of his backup ammo back at the base. He starts running to the door.  
  
Zero: Vanilla, that's your cue!  
  
Vanilla Ice jumps out in front of the Gundam crew while Zero makes an escape.  
  
Rain: What the hell . . .  
  
Domon: This case of mine is hurting my head, it tells me I have a migraine! Here I go, GET SOME ASPRIN!  
  
Vanilla Ice begins singing old rap hits and one-hit wonders.  
  
Amuro: This is getting annoying . . .  
  
Reducto: This isn't working out.  
  
Reducto aims his shrink gun, but puts it in reverse, turning it into a growing gun, and fires at Vanilla Ice, who grows to be the size of Psyco Gundam Mark II!  
  
Relena: Daaaaaaamn.  
  
Four: I wonder if his sha-boinker is bigger than Camille's now . . .  
  
Amuro: Time to go to work guys!  
  
Heero, Garrod, Kira, and Loran: Right!  
  
Amuro: We'll combine into one!  
  
Heero: Zero!  
  
Garrod: Double X!  
  
Kira: Freedom!  
  
Loran: Turn A!  
  
Amuro: And Nu will form the head!  
  
Sayla: Biggest. Voltron. Ripoff. Ever.  
  
The now "Voltron" Gundam tackles the large Vanilla Ice, but can't penetrate the barrier made by his old school rap singing.  
  
Garrod: Damn!  
  
Amuro: (Goes into a Power Ranger-esque stance): Let's do it guys!  
  
All five do weird, cliché, karate-type antics, forming a large sword for the "Voltron" Gundam, which slices Vanilla Ice in half.  
  
Amuro: We won!  
  
Char: Damn straight we won! I won my case! Now they'll never know what I really did with Babs Bunny . . .  
  
Rain: FREAK!  
  
In the back parking lot . . .  
  
The President of Funimation appears in a wave of fire.  
  
President: So . . . how did it go?  
  
Lawyer Reducto: We lost . . .  
  
President: What? You fool! How could you lose?!  
  
Reducto: I have a shrink ray!  
  
President: DIE!  
  
The President shoots a fireball, and kills Reducto.  
  
President: One day! One day, Gundam will be mine!!!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	7. Terminator 3: Gundam Day

Meh, this is a slightly mediocre chapter compared to the last chapter, but is still fairly good. It's really setting up the next two chapters, anyway. So, let's get on with the show . . .  
  
The G-Pub Chapter 7: Terminator 3: Gundam Day  
  
President of Funimation: You fools! I've had enough of this!  
  
Liquid Char: Yeah, me too. So far BUTCHHOUND only has 4 members left.  
  
President: I tire of YOU I mean.  
  
Liquid: Oh. Well, that's different then.  
  
President: Do not fail me . . . not while we have a chance to gain the upper hand . . .  
  
Zero: Upper hand? Since when were we doing well in the first place?  
  
Gerbil: Well, we were doing kind of good around the end of Chapter 5 . . .  
  
President: SILENCE! Take care of this mess . . . immediately!  
  
The President vanishes.  
  
Gerbil: Hey, I've got a new plan . . .  
  
Liquid: What is it now?  
  
Gerbil: You'll see. Where's Neo Chyna?  
  
Zero: Chyna? As in, the former wrestler Chyna?  
  
Gerbil: You got it . . .  
  
At the G-Pub . . .  
  
Kou Uraki, Anavel Gato, and Zechs Marquise sit around a table getting liquored up.  
  
Kou: Hey Gato, haven't you ever considered getting a hair cut, I mean the mullet died out in the sixties.  
  
Zechs: Yeah, you look like an eighty year old Joe Dirt.  
  
Kou: (Laughing) Zechs just called you old!  
  
Zechs: Well, with all that white hair he looks like a geezer.  
  
Gato: My hair is fine you idiots, besides chicks dig the ponytail.  
  
Zechs and Kou laugh their respective asses off.  
  
Gato: What the hell is so funny?  
  
Kou: You couldn't score if you tried, OLD MAN!  
  
Zechs: Well Kou, didn't Nina go back to him at the end of yall's show?  
  
Kou: NO, NO, NO! It only looked like she did, besides I kicked the old man's butt anyway.  
  
Gato: Like hell you did, sometimes I wonder why I spared a punk kid like you.  
  
Kou: You just called me a kid, that's like admitting your old!  
  
Gato: I'm not old!  
  
Kou: Yes you are! you have white hair.  
  
Gato: Zechs has white hair!  
  
Zechs: No, I'm a platinum blonde, I swear.  
  
Kou: HA HA, you're both old fogies!  
  
Gato: Fine, even though the ladies like the look of an older more experienced man such as myself, to end your childish prattling I will get it dyed.  
  
Zechs: Now that's being a good sport.  
  
Gato: Shut up, Zechs. If I have to do this, you're getting a dye job too!  
  
The next night Zechs and Gato meet up with Kou at the bar, Zechs now sporting long brown hair, and Gato with his now black locks trimmed to above the ears.  
  
Gato: I came early I was supposed to meet Nina for a date.  
  
Kou: Why you low down dirty . . .  
  
Zechs: You got a date too! It must be the hair! I'm supposed to meet Lucrezia Noin here in a half hour.  
  
Zechs and Gato: HIGH FIVE!  
  
Time passes and the guys dates haven't shown, the start to worry and Kou is still crying about losing Nina. An hour later the door opens and Master Asia steps in with Noin on one arm and Nina on the other.  
  
Zechs: What the hell, I've been dumped for a man who could be her grandpa!  
  
Gato: Nina, why?  
  
Nina: Oh well it's your new hair.  
  
Gato: What!?  
  
Noin: That's right, we like the look of an older more experienced man.  
  
As Gato and Zechs sob, the girls and Undefeated of the East walk to the bar, after taking a few steps Asia turns around.  
  
Master Asia: You know it's not just the graying hair.  
  
Gato: Than what is it?  
  
Master Asia: Simple fool, chicks dig the ponytail.  
  
Master Asia and the girls begin to drink heavily. Soon, Noin and Nina end up going down on each other. But, it seems some strangers stop by in town . . .  
  
Goku: Hiiiiiiii, we were just stopping by on our way through, where's the bathroom?  
  
Asia: That way . . .  
  
Tao: Yes, were on our way to . . . HEY, your Tohou Fuhai, the Undefeated of the East! I've always wanted to meet you!  
  
Asia: What of it?  
  
Tao: Well I've always wanted to test your legendary fighting ability. Master Asia I beseech you, please fight me!  
  
Asia: I am incredibly drunk right now . . .  
  
Tao: Oh I see . . .  
  
Asia: This is my student Domon Kasshu, he could easily whip your sorry bum with his eyebrow.  
  
Tao: You must have trained him well.  
  
Asia: Yeah, but he still can't hold his liquor well. Could you please see if he is still breathing?  
  
Tao: Yeah, he is, but he is out like a light. He must be smashed. What were you drinking?  
  
Asia: This damn drink a friend showed him one night . . .  
  
Tao: I see . . . so when will you be sober enough for our match.  
  
Asia: Oh mid-June would be nice, but why are you so eager to fight me?  
  
Tao: Well you see these fanboys are dead-set that my imaginary worlds characters could beat your imaginary worlds characters, and I just want to settle this.  
  
Asia: Ah I see.  
  
Tao: I'm glad you understand.  
  
Asia: No I don't.  
  
Tao: WHAT!?  
  
Asia: I don't understand.  
  
Tao: Understand what?  
  
Asia: How much of a loser these people must be to actually argue about something as stupid and irrelevant as what fictitious character would win in a fight. Don't they have anything better to do with their time? Like drink.  
  
Tao: I see. You are correct Undefeated. I was a fool to challenge you, forgive me.  
  
Asia: Whatever . . .  
  
Tao: Can I...have a seat?  
  
Asia: Sure . . . BARTENDER ANOTHER ROUND!  
  
Tao: So who do you think would win in a fight between you and me?  
  
Asia: It's hard to say, since my show actually has a plot and isn't lame, plus I can't destroy planets out of whim and fancy, since you know my show is actually realistic.  
  
Tao: True dat.  
  
Asia: I mean why do people actually think that is cool. I mean how many times has Earth's moon been destroyed in Dragon Ball. Three I think. Where do all these moons come from? We still have our original moon, because we are realistic and not dumb enough to blow it up.  
  
Tao: Good point. But what about your Sekiha Tenkyoken. Is it really more powerful than the Kamehameha?  
  
Asia: Does it matter? Geez, your almost as bad as the fanboys posting all that lame stuff.  
  
Tao: Oh, sorry.  
  
Asia: You know what I want to know. Whether we can take these lame fanboys who write this garbage.  
  
Tao: Hmm . . . its a toss up. We could considering they are all pasty otaku's with little to no lives, who's only aerobic exercise all week is strumming away on a keyboard and occasional bouts against friends in Pokemon Stadium.  
  
Asia: So you think we could . . . sweet . . . I'll go get me mallet.  
  
Tao: Well here's the part you won't like. we aren't real so we can't.  
  
Asia: DARN!  
  
Tao: And that's what these little dweeb kids must learn. It isn't real therefore it doesn't matter.  
  
Asia: That's right! Who cares lets all get smashed!  
  
The conversation is interrupted by the sound of the door opening.  
  
Sailor Saturn: Hey can anybody tell me how to get out of this city . . . wait aren't you Tohou Fuhai!?  
  
Tao: Great here we go again.  
  
Asia: Heh, heh, heh. I'd really like to Tao her Pie Pie!  
  
On the other side of the bar, our younger members seem to be having a good time . . .  
  
Four: Damn, here we go again!  
  
Sayla: What happened?  
  
Four: This story is getting out of hand again. I mean, the last three chapters were pretty good. They were all straight-forward with a great plot. But now, we're all over the place again! First we're in the base of Unit BUTCHHOUND, then something with Master Asia, and now with us! What's with this writer?  
  
Allenby: Who knows. It's just another loser sitting down at his computer with nothing better to do.  
  
Four: True, but somebody's got to smack some sense into him . . .  
  
Suddenly, the wall of the G-Pub caves in, and there she appeared . . .  
  
Neo Chyna: I am Chyna! Brace yourselves, boys!  
  
Amuro: Wow, so this is what happened to you after you quit wrestling . . .  
  
Camille: Unit BUTCHHOUND doesn't know when to stop . . .  
  
Neo Chyna: Prepare to be terminated.  
  
Jamil: Jesus, it's the friggin' T-20,000 . . .  
  
Camille: What a dumb pun for the Terminator Gundam parody the author's planning . . .  
  
Char: Say what?  
  
Camille: Nevermind.  
  
Gato: She's like Mora Boscht . . .  
  
Corin Nander: . . . except with bigger "assets" if you know what I mean.  
  
Bright: Looks like she can take all of us down at the same time, chaps.  
  
Char: I wonder if she has a younger sister.  
  
Chyna leaps in, and picks up Char by the neck.  
  
Chyna: Gah . . . ack . . . ack . . . ah . . . damn- . . . -it . . .  
  
Chyna then tosses Char above her head, holds him up, military presses him, and tosses him behind the bar.  
  
Chyna: Gundam will be ours.  
  
Master Asia leaps in front of everyone.  
  
Master Asia: Do not fear! The master is here!  
  
Domon: Master!  
  
Master Asia: Let's go, Domon!  
  
Domon: School of Touhou Fuhai!  
  
Master Asia: The winds of the king!  
  
Domon: Zenshin!  
  
Master Asia: Keiretsu!  
  
Domon: Tenpakyouran!  
  
Domon and Master: Look! The east is burning red!  
  
Domon and Master Asia: Sekiha Twin Twin Tenkyoken!  
  
The beam flies from their hands and collides against Chyna. It has no effect.  
  
Domon: Uh oh . . .  
  
Chyna grabs both Domon and Master Asia by the neck, chokes them, lifts them into the air and choke slams them.  
  
Master Asia: Ugh . . .  
  
Domon: Damn . . .  
  
Allenby flips forward in front of everyone.  
  
Allenby: Let me take care of this!  
  
Allenby does a combo of attacks against Chyna. He hardly fazes her.  
  
Chyna: Pathetic . . .  
  
Allenby: Umm . . .  
  
Allenby grabs a beer bottle and breaks it. He stabs Chyna. She bleeds, but is hardly hurt.  
  
Allenby: Damn, you really are the T-20,000!  
  
Chyna grabs Allenby and tosses her across the room.  
  
Chyna: Terminate . . . terminate . . . terminate . . .  
  
Char gets up and walks over to Chyna.  
  
Char: That's it! I've had enough of being thrown around in this story! Let's go!  
  
Chyna swiftly kneels down, takes her hand, and smashes Char's gentiles.  
  
Char: Oww . . . (Falls over and holds his crotch)  
  
Chyna: Anybody else?  
  
Voice: Me!  
  
Chyna: Identify yourself.  
  
Relena: I am Relena Peacecraft! And right about now, I'm going to pacifistically kick your ass!  
  
Heero: That's an oxymoron . . .  
  
Relena: Who really cares?  
  
Chyna: You will be terminated . . .  
  
Relena: Look! The South is burning red!  
  
The crest of the King of Hears appears on Relena's and Sayla's hands.  
  
Relena: This hand of mine is burning red . . .  
  
Chyna: . . . ?  
  
Relena: It tells me to KICK YOUR ASS . . .  
  
Chyna: Terminate!  
  
Relena: Bakentesu G-Girl Finger combined with . . . Sekiha Enkouhajyouken!  
  
The attack crashes against Chyna and slams her into the wall.  
  
Relena: And now . . . BITCH-SLAP END!  
  
Relena executes the attack, and Chyna explodes. Relena strikes a Power Ranger-esque pose afterwards.  
  
Later that day . . .  
  
Relena and the other girls from different Gundam universes sit together over cups coffee instead of the usual drinks spread around the pub.  
  
Char: So beautiful . . .  
  
Camille: I know. Isn't it great when a character from one universe comes to such a great agreement with a character from another?  
  
Char: No, I meant Chyna. (Cries) I wish she had a younger sister . . .  
  
Amuro: Anyway, I've stored the Hi-Nu Gundam under the derelict junkyard next door, just in case Unit BUTCHHOUND decides to pay us another visit . . .  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
Gerbil: Umm . . . guys, what are you doing?  
  
Zero and Liquid Char: YOU'RE going in next.  
  
Gerbil: W-What? Why me?  
  
Liquid: Well, I'm the squad leader, Zero's my second, and that leaves you as the remaining soldier.  
  
Gerbil: Not fair! Not fair!  
  
Liquid: Shut up!  
  
The President of Funimation appears. He fires a lightning bolt at Gerbil and kills him.  
  
Liquid: Oh damn, he just killed Chronicle Asher!  
  
Zero: I wonder if this would count as canon material . . .  
  
President: Silence! I've had enough! This is your one and only chance to redeem yourselves . . .  
  
Zero: But you said that last time, and the time before that, and the time before that time . . .  
  
President: SILENCE!  
  
Zero: My bad.  
  
President: SHUT UP!  
  
Zero: Okay.  
  
President: DON'T SPEAK!  
  
Zero: I'm sorry.  
  
President: Argh . . . this is the last chance for you two. It's either you win, or your both holding the short end of the stick. Got it?  
  
Liquid: Yeah, but, if we're holding the short end of the stick, what end is that? How can you tell if you're holding something that's vertical and/or horizontal that's strai-  
  
President: SILENCE!  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Well, that's the end of this chapter! Prepare for the next chapter: The G- Pub: Chapter 8 - The End of Unit Butchound - Blurb 1.  
  
And soon . . . prepare for an even bigger catastrophe, as I'm in the middle of completing a hit that fans of Chrono Trigger and Gundam will enjoy . . . The G-Pub Presents: Gundam Trigger! Starring: Amuro Ray as Crono, Sayla Mass as Marle Guardia, Fraw Bo as Lucca, Haro as Robo, Camille Bidan as Frog, Mora Boscht as Ayla, and Paptimus Scirroco as Magus! Prepare for the void . . . 


	8. The End of Unit BUTCHHOUND Blurb 1

The G-Pub Chapter 8: The End of BUTCHHOUND - Blurb 1  
  
Yuu Kajima and Heero Yuy are sitting at a table just staring at each other. Amuro and Char are looking on, while the rest of the gang are doing what they do best.  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Amuro: What are they doing?  
  
Char: Heero challenged Yuu to a 'Cold Stare of Death' contest. I got five big ones that say the pretty boy will blink first.  
  
A knife flies by Char's head and sinks to the hilt into the wall. Char looks to the table to see Heero with one arm extended from the throw. He hadn't looked away.  
  
Char: Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, if you want to place a bet, see you-know-who.  
  
Amuro looks to the corner, where Paptimus is decked out in a card-dealer's outfit and cash stuffed into virtually every space imaginable.  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: . . .  
  
Yuu: . . .  
  
Heero: (Blinks)  
  
Scirroco: And it's YUU THE DOMINATOR, with a record 37 hours, 29 minutes and 5 seconds! Make all checks payable to Pappy's Escort Service". Failure to pay will earn the services of "Pappy's Enforcer Service", known for its excellent chiropractic program."  
  
Heero (Stands up and raises his fist): (explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted)(explicitive deleted), and your mother, too! . . . Mission failed . . .  
  
Yuu: (Stands up) Thems fighting words where I come from!  
  
Heero: I'll kill you. (Aims his gun)  
  
Bright: Hey, hey, hey, no blood in the pub!  
  
Heero: Who plans to stop me?  
  
Scirroco: Boys! Take care of this one, aisle three!  
  
Heero: Did you forget who the head of the Enforcer Service is?  
  
Scirroco: I kind of figured that would work against me somehow . . .  
  
Heero pulls back the lock, ready to fire.  
  
Voice: I wouldn't do that, kid.  
  
Heero: Hmm?  
  
A man in a grey sneaking suit and a bandana on his head shows up.  
  
Scirroco: Jesus Christ!  
  
Heero: The great Solid Weasel?!  
  
Weasel: Put the gun away kid, before I do it for you.  
  
Heero puts away the gun. Not even he would try to rival Solid Weasel.  
  
Char: Is he some sort of undercover soldier or something?  
  
Amuro: Char, this is THE undercover soldier.  
  
Char: Wait, I've seen tidbits of that video game. Isn't the name of the main character supposed to be Solid Sna-  
  
Amuro: Ssh! Copyrights, man! Solid Weasel is from the parody of Metal Gear Solid called "RFU Gear Solid".  
  
Char: I see . . . so, what do we owe this honor?  
  
Weasel: Unit BUTCHHOUND is moving in, and they're two best men are moving in. One of them may plan to turn their back on the other and may be working for a group that has supreme control of the USA using the President and Congress as figureheads . . . known as the Patriots.  
  
Char: The football team?  
  
Weasel: Yes.  
  
There's a short silence between the two.  
  
Char: I was kidding.  
  
Weasel: I'm not. We have no idea who they are, as they tend to change their lineup from time to time.  
  
Char: Is that figurative speech?  
  
Amuro: Whatever. Anyway, your help is appreciated. Take a seat, have a drink, it's on the house.  
  
Weasel: I just need to stay here for a while. I'm on your side.  
  
Char leaves. Weasel goes over to the bar to get a drink. Amuro, Camille and Scirroco are seated at a table, stooped over and muttering over some piece of machinery. Weasel grabs his beer and walks up to them.  
  
Weasel: So, what's going on?  
  
Amuro: You know how they have those goggles that let you see what it's like to be drunk?  
  
Scirocco: Well, we decided to put all our mechanical skill together and make a pair that lets you see the world the way Char does!  
  
Weasel: You mean the guy in the red over there? Isn't that filed under "Things Man Was Not Meant to Know"?  
  
Camille: Come on, it's for science.  
  
Weasel: . . . call it morbid curiosity, but I'll do it.  
  
He dons the goggles and looks in some direction.  
  
Yuu: Umm . . . those SEED girls aren't wearing sailor suits, are they?  
  
Amuro: (Looks) Nope.  
  
Weasel: Thought not.  
  
He looks somewhere else and sees the most beautiful girl on Earth.  
  
Weasel: Whoa, who's that hot . . .  
  
He takes off the glasses and sees Tifa Adil.  
  
Weasel: . . . THAT's disturbing.  
  
He puts the glasses back on.  
  
Voice: Excuse me.  
  
He turns and sees a hideous witch, lurching forwards wielding a longsword.  
  
Weasel: GYAAAA!  
  
He draws his M9 tranq refined pistol and fires it at the witch and then takes the goggles off. He sees the tranq dart has hit Haman holding a pool cue in the chest.  
  
Haman: What's eating you? I only . . . gwah . . .  
  
The tranq puts her to sleep.  
  
Weasel: Hope she doesn't wake up until I leave.  
  
Amuro: So, you getting a nice feel for the warped world of the Ped Comet?  
  
Weasel looks at Amuro and bursts into laughter.  
  
Amuro: What's so damn funny?!  
  
He takes the goggles and dons them. Looking in a mirror, he sees himself with horns and a stereotypical devil goatee.  
  
Amuro: . . . He's so dead.  
  
Elsewhere . . .  
  
Liquid Char: It's time!  
  
Revolver Zero: Time to put this plan into action!  
  
Zero and Liquid look at a large structure in front of them. The laugh as this machine's eyes glow . . .  
  
Back at the pub . . .  
  
Weasel has gulped down his 20th beer. He's still sober.  
  
Camille: Wow, how does he do it?  
  
Weasel: Training, kid. These prescription drugs in my system won't let me go down, either.  
  
Camille: Hey, can you explain something to me? Your story, RFU Gear Solid, takes place in the 21st Century, while our era takes place long after. How is it possible that you're here?  
  
Weasel: Well, why is it that people from alternate universes are here?  
  
Camille: It's a parody of a series. A character from G Gundam can talk to a character from Gundam X.  
  
Weasel: Well, you remember in 0083, when they opened up the nuclear storage hold to get the nuke, but they weren't allowed to open it because of the Antarctic Treaty, but opened it anyway to further the story and put the nuke in the GP02A, but had no right making the GP02A at all because nukes were banned, and really, the GP02A had no purpose in war other than to be stolen by the Zeons?  
  
Camille: Umm . . . yeah?  
  
Weasel: It's just a huge ass plot hole.  
  
Camille: Plot hole. Gotcha.  
  
Suddenly, the roof is blown open. The all look at a large machine standing above them.  
  
Amuro: Damn, this place doesn't have insurance, does it?  
  
Two men come out of the machine.  
  
Liquid: Prepare for trouble!  
  
Zero: We're so sorry to burst your bubble!  
  
Liquid: To rid anime of unification!  
  
Zero: To butcher all anime is our dedication!  
  
Liquid: To edit a series until its dead!  
  
Zero: We'll make money off of it from DBZ to Vandread!  
  
Liquid: Liquid!  
  
Zero: Zero!  
  
Liquid and Char: BUTCHHOUND blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight!  
  
Everyone in the pub looks up at the two with a giant sweat drop dropping down the back of their heads. Weasel aims his gun at them.  
  
Weasel: Freeze! Hey, you're not Liquid Weasel . . .  
  
Char looks at Liquid Char.  
  
Char: Oh man, my twin.  
  
Camille: Char has a twin? (Looks at Zechs, Lau Lu, among others, and then shrugs) Nevermind . . .  
  
Amuro: It all makes sense now . . .  
  
Emma: Char, you better do some explaining.  
  
Liquid Char flips off of the giant robot.  
  
Liquid: Brother! It is I, accompanied by Revolver Zero and Gundam Gear X!  
  
All: Gundam Gear X?!  
  
Liquid: Yes! A combination of two technologies from two totally different universes that has so much incompatible techno-babble that it's no wonder it took until the 8th Chapter to show it off!  
  
Char: But brother, why are you here?  
  
Liquid: You abandoned me! Yes, the old days, Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam was making its appearance on television and you had an important matter to attend to! You threw me in to play Quattro Bajina, making it a hit, but everyone thought I was you! And when Char's Counterattack showed its face, I didn't reap any benefits! I deserve some money over here!  
  
Char: Well, I never knew you felt that way . . .  
  
Liquid: Never knew?! I wrote complaints in day in and day out!  
  
Char: Hmm . . . well . . .  
  
Liquid: It's too late now. Now, with Gundam Gear X, we will nuke every existing good dub company, leaving Funimation on top!  
  
Weasel: Damn, you don't get any more evil than that . . .  
  
Zero: Actually, Liquid, I have no intention of helping you at all . . .  
  
Liquid: What?!  
  
Zero: I just needed to get you out here so I could steal the Gundam Gear X for my own purposes. As you can see, I work for the Titans, the Patriots, and the GnBS!  
  
Scirroco: Hey, wait, how do you work fro the Titans? We've been defunct since who knows when.  
  
Zero: Plot hole, man.  
  
Scirroco: Oh.  
  
Liquid: YOU TRAITOR!!!  
  
Zero: Later!  
  
Zero jumps into the GGX and fires many missile pods launching tons of missile pods.  
  
Char: Oh, crap.  
  
Amuro: Guys!  
  
All other Newtypes: Right!  
  
The Newtypes combine their powers, and deflect the missiles into all other directions, saving the pub from utter destruction.  
  
Zero: Damn.  
  
Amuro snaps his finger and looks into the air.  
  
Amuro: Rise, Hi-Nu Gundam!  
  
Domon (Sarcastic): Oh yeah, and us AU series rip off the UC series . . .  
  
The Hi-Nu Gundam flies out of the ground. Its hand reaches out, grabs Amuro, and puts him inside of the cockpit.  
  
Amuro: Let's go!  
  
Zero: Take this!  
  
The Gundam Gear X opens its mouth and firs a High Pressure Hydro Cannon. The Hi-Nu dodges the attack and pulls out its beam saber and impales the GGX. Amuro pulls it out and lifts the saber above his head, but the GGX dashes away before Amuro could go in for the kill.  
  
Zero: You'll never defeat the La-li-lu-le-lo!  
  
Amuro: The what?  
  
Camille: I think he meant the Titans.  
  
Weasel: No, the Patriots.  
  
Amuro: Sorry, I don't play football.  
  
The GGX staggers off. Back in the pub, everyone stares down Liquid Char. Weasel aims his gun.  
  
Weasel: Freeze!  
  
Liquid: You wish.  
  
Camille: Char, he's your twin! Take him down!  
  
Char: Hey, I'm not doing anything.  
  
Liquid: Just like I thought! Always hiding behind any lawyer he can find!  
  
Relena: I'll handle this!  
  
The crowd cheers as Relena decides to enter the scene.  
  
Relena: Take THIS!  
  
Relena pulls out a Puru clone.  
  
Liquid: Muhahaha! I'm a whole different game from Char, little missy!  
  
Relena: Then eat this! BITCH-SLAP END!  
  
Relena's palm flies forward, but Liquid catches it, and takes Relena hostage, running off with her.  
  
Heero: HEY!  
  
Weasel: No, wait, he's got a bomb!  
  
Liquid: That's right! Now, if you're all smart, you'll give into my demands and blow up Sunrise!  
  
Amuro: (Getting out of the Hi-Nu): Never!  
  
Liquid: If that's your choice, it's your choice. But beware what might happen to the girl! Oh, and don't follow me, or else!  
  
Liquid runs off, leaving the G-Pub group dumbfounded on how to win in this scenario.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	9. The End of Unit BUTCHHOUND Blurb 2

The G-Pub Chapter 9 - The End of BUTCHHOUND - Phase2  
  
Heero: Damn.  
  
Char: So, umm, what are we going to do?  
  
Heero: Rise Wing Zero!  
  
Domon: And people continue to rip me off . . .  
  
Char: Hey, save it. At least you don't have whole clones of you walking around.  
  
Solid Weasel: We're going to Liquid Char's base.  
  
Amuro (Getting out of the defunct Hi-Nu Gundam): And we'll do this how?  
  
Weasel: By following the signs that say "This way to BUTCHHOUND's base"  
  
Amuro: Oh. Simple enough . . .  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
Liquid Char stands in the middle of a large room. On a table, Relena is strapped down.  
  
Liquid: Interesting predicament I've gotten myself into.  
  
Relena: Let me go, dammit!  
  
Liquid ignored her, and hits a button. A squad of Mariemaia clones poor out, all naked.  
  
Relena: Eww . . .  
  
Liquid: I have solved the greatest mystery in life!  
  
Relena: And that is?  
  
Liquid: How to create clones of underage women without having them lose their sexual parts! Genius, isn't it?  
  
Relena: Bleh. You're more of a Char clone than my brother. At least Zechs had class and skill.  
  
Liquid: Shut up! Soon, you're friends will come looking for you, and you'll all be done! You'll all be DEAD! D - E - D - Dead.  
  
Outside . . .  
  
Weasel: Nice place they got here.  
  
Amuro: It's a goddamn cigarette factory.  
  
Weasel: I know, isn't it great!?  
  
Amuro: That was sarcasm . . . right?  
  
Rain: Hmm . . . it's covered with a Minovsky Particle and plasma resistant forcefield. It'll take a whole lot of power to penetrate it.  
  
Char: Did somebody say "penetrate"?!  
  
Camille: Get your mind of the gutter, man!  
  
Char (Sniffs): I smell underage women . . .  
  
Weasel: We need a way to penetrate the forcefield to secure the outside. But, we also need someone on the inside.  
  
Char: I think Amuro is a good candidate to infiltrate.  
  
Amuro: Leave me out of this.  
  
Weasel: Char . . .  
  
Domon: Sounds like it's up to you . . .  
  
Char: Oh no, no way . . .  
  
Weasel looks toward a truck.  
  
Weasel: You can come out now.  
  
A familiar ninja flies out in between Char and Weasel.  
  
Char: A ninja?  
  
Domon: What's a ninja doing here?  
  
Shwartz Bruder: It's me, Shwartz Bruder, you idiot!  
  
Domon: Oh . . .  
  
Char tries to draw his gun, but Shwartz draws his daggers and keeps one by Char's throat. Weasel folds his hands across his chest.  
  
Weasel: I wouldn't do that, Char.  
  
Char: So you're changing sides now?!  
  
Weasel: I never said I was on yours . . .  
  
Char: Yes you did!  
  
(Flashback to Chapter 9)  
  
Weasel: I'm on your side. I just need to stick around for awhile.  
  
(End Flashback)  
  
Char: See!  
  
Weasel: Oh . . . umm, yeah, changing sides, whatever . . .  
  
Shwartz takes off his mask.  
  
Char: You!  
  
Domon: Brother?! How can this be?!  
  
Kyoji: We went over this in Episode 47 of G Gundam, you idiot!  
  
Domon: Oh yeah . . .  
  
Weasel: Time-to-act-as-bait-so-you-can-have-a-cliché-meeting-with-your- brother, Char.  
  
Char: Say what?  
  
Kyoji knocks the shit out of Char.  
  
Time lapse. Inside of the base . . .  
  
Char: Ugh . . .  
  
Liquid Char: So, brother, we meet again!  
  
Char: Save it, you're no brother of mine.  
  
Liquid: Oh, don't deny it. You're getting a little old, brother. Zeon Deikun banged his bitch when he was about 60. It's no wonder we grow older faster . . .  
  
Char: Umm, there's 15 year time between Mobile Suit Gundam and Char's Counterattack. That's a big difference, you know.  
  
Liquid: Oh, shut up, now. You know I'm not falling for any tricks. I want my money, dammit!  
  
Char: Okay, okay, you'll get your money. 50 mil sound good?  
  
Liquid: Really?!  
  
Char: Yeah, really. It's no problem.  
  
Liquid: Well, this is working out better than I thought.  
  
Relena: But Char! Your integrity!  
  
Char: What integrity?  
  
Liquid: Hah! You really are my brother! I guess I should cancel the formation of the army known as the Sons of Deikun . . .  
  
Char: That you should. Taking something huge and dropping it on Earth just isn't worth the time. Plus, it rips me off . . . again . . .  
  
Liquid: It's not like I was thinking of doing that . . .  
  
Liquid takes a notepad and a pen and scratches off "Drop something big on Earth".  
  
Liquid: Now, all that has to happen is for Side 3 to give into my demand and I can let you go.  
  
Char: And that is?  
  
Liquid: I demanded a small amount of money and the remains of a certain someone.  
  
Char: Exactly how much and who?  
  
Liquid: 30 million dollars and the remnants of Zeon Deikun.  
  
Char: Why do you need the body of our father?  
  
Liquid: I plan to create an army of Char clones using his genes! Just because I plan to let you go, doesn't mean I've given up on universal domination.  
  
Char: What? Just because you're the Fuhrer around here?  
  
Liquid: Not just around here. I'm the Fuhrer to surpass Zeon Deikun himself!  
  
Char: But he was the head of a republic . . .  
  
Liquid: Oh, shut up.  
  
Two men come in.  
  
Soldier: It's a package from Side 3, sir. They say it's the body of Zeon Deikun.  
  
Liquid: Excellent! Let's celebrate!  
  
Liquid Char releases a bunch of Mariemaia clones. Char drools.  
  
Char: No wonder you were immune to the Puru clones . . .  
  
Liquid: Yes, as you can see, I've got a better collection here.  
  
Relena: You're both sick!  
  
Suddenly, a large bang is heard. Everything shakes. Liquid falls down as the lights begin to dim. He gets up and checks the screen.  
  
Liquid: What's going on?  
  
Char: Hmm . . . how come I suddenly hear a familiar BGM playing?  
  
Liquid: Someone set us up the bomb.  
  
Mariemaia clone: We get signal.  
  
They turn the screen on. Above them is Wing Zero, firing down on the forcefield.  
  
Heero: Greetings, gentlemen. All your base are belong to us.  
  
Liquid: What you say?  
  
Heero: You are on your way to destruction. You have no chance to survive, make your time. Ha ha ha.  
  
The Twin Buster Rifle constantly fires until it finally destroys the forcefield and blows a hole in the base, in which all the members of the G- Pub and Solid Weasel infiltrate.  
  
Amuro: Show's over.  
  
Liquid: No way!  
  
Liquid takes a few steps back, and knocks over the crate from Side 3. Suddenly, the side opens, and someone pops out.  
  
Zeon Deikun: . . . what the?  
  
Char: Daddy!  
  
Zeon: Why, son! My, you have grown!  
  
Char: You're in one piece!  
  
Zeon: . . . ?  
  
Char: You're been dead? You know that, right?  
  
Zeon: Not dead, I just fell asleep and someone decided to keep me in the box.  
  
Char: Why didn't you try to escape?  
  
Zeon: Nude pictures of the Olsen Twins to literally last me a lifetime. I couldn't resist.  
  
Relena (Sighs): Like father, like son.  
  
Zeon: Is that you, Artesia?  
  
Relena: No, just an equivalent from another series.  
  
Zeon: . . . what the hell's gone on for the past couple of years? All I know is that Casval is my son, and then there's Artesia . . . but . . .  
  
Zechs: Technically, you're my father, too.  
  
Harry Ord: And mine.  
  
Korozo Ronah: Me too.  
  
Haman: Somewhat . . . I guess you'd be a step father, then.  
  
Uluube: Don't forget me, dad.  
  
Lancerow Dowell: And me.  
  
Master Asia: DOMON! I mean, umm, from my intentions, technically, you'd be like a grandfather to me.  
  
Chronicle Asher: And me . . .  
  
Amuro: Hey, I thought you were dead.  
  
Chronicle: I was, but, well . . . forget it . . .  
  
Lau Lu Cruize: Yup. I'm in there, too.  
  
Char: See how everybody tried to rip me off, daddy!  
  
Zeon: My, Lord! Well, at least the entire family's here. Except for Artesia, where is she?  
  
Sayla: Daddy!  
  
Zeon: Artesia!  
  
The two embrace.  
  
Liquid Char: HEY! Have you all forgotten why you're here?  
  
Char: Oh yeah.  
  
He shoots him in the leg.  
  
Zeon: Now Char, is that a way to treat your twin brother?  
  
Char: He's really my twin brother?  
  
Zeon: Fraternal, of course. Heh. You know, you're mother was only 13 ½ when she had you little darlings.  
  
Sayla: Ugh. I don't want to think about mommy.  
  
Liquid gets up.  
  
Liquid: Hah! I have the dominant genes! I can take a bullet.  
  
Char: Okay.  
  
Char shoots him in arm.  
  
Liquid: Gwah! Damn, you . . . Char . . . and you, too dad. Fuck you all.  
  
Zeon: Hey! Watch your language young man!  
  
Deikun kicks him in the nuts.  
  
Liquid: Egad!  
  
Zeon: Can I get a "Sieg Zeonl"!  
  
Everybody: Sieg Zeon!  
  
Enter Heero Yuy, who points a gun towards Liquid.  
  
Heero: I'll kill you. And this one's loaded.  
  
Liquid: No!  
  
* BANG *  
  
Weasel: Well, that takes care of everything.  
  
Zeon: Well, time to get back to Side 3 and form that dictatorship I always wanted.  
  
Char: Really?  
  
Zeon: Yep. Always wanted to become Der Fuhrer. Time to apply it.  
  
Char: See you later, dad!  
  
Sayla: Bye, dad!  
  
Enter screenshots of the pub, while Weasel talks.  
  
Weasel: Life isn't just about screwing underaged women and becoming better than everyone else. You have to cherish it and pass on your -  
  
Char: Oh, screw it. Let's just drink!  
  
Everyone: Huzzah!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	10. Gundam Wingless

I've decided that every 10 or so chapters I'd contribute a chapter that was to do mostly with a series that we don't cover much or don't cover a lot, namely the Gundam Aus. Chapter 10 is dedicated to parodying Gundam W.  
  
The Gundam Pub - Chapter X: Gundam Wing-less  
  
At a large table in the middle of the G-Pub, we see the Wing boys, Zechs and Relena talking with a pair of writers.  
  
Writer #1: Thanks for this meeting, guys. We know how you wanted to work out another series. And Preventer 5...  
  
Duo: That was a lousy idea! What genius thought that you could make a Gundam series without MS?  
  
Writer #2: . . . we fired him. Anyway, we have a lot of new ideas to pass around for the new season. So, how about a Haro?  
  
Wing Cast: . . .  
  
Writer #2: Okay, forget that one. Well, we were talking about replacing all that fencing with flashy gunfights. And lots of white doves flying around.  
  
Zechs: Yeah, and Chow Yun Fat will sue us so fast it'll set a land speed record.  
  
The other guys chortle.  
  
Writer #1: How about a heart-touching romance between Quatre and Dorothy?  
  
Quatre: (Spit-takes his whiskey) Good God, what the (deleted expletive) is wrong with you (more deleted expletives)?!  
  
Wufei: (Rolls his eyes) Gee, you'd never know he was a Ping-Pong Club fan . . .  
  
Writer #2: Well, what do you say to having the Cinq Kingdom stage a performance of Romeo and Juliet and having everyone fight over the parts?  
  
Zechs: . . . lawsuits from Takeuchi, Takahashi, Shakespeare's estate . . .  
  
Heero: Besides, I played Tybalt at the community college. Not my favorite play.  
  
Writer #1: Okay, so here's our final idea. Take out the MS fights and replace them with mud-wrestling matches between the girls. With guest appearances by girls from the other universes! It'll boost our ratings!  
  
Trowa: You DO realize that our primary audience is women, right?  
  
Heero: And you'd have to consult all the girls for permission.  
  
Writer #2: Nah, we already scripted it. It's gonna' be great . . . now what was it I forgot?  
  
All heads at the table turn to Relena, and they notice girls like Sayla, Rain, Four, and Christina peeking over the booth angrily.  
  
Relena: (Turns to Duo and points at a bottle of Jack Daniels in front of him) Are you done with that?  
  
Duo: Sure. (Passes her the bottle)  
  
Relena: (Breaks the bottle against the table and points it at the writers) I think your scripts need a few edits. Girls?  
  
The angry women of Gundam, wielding pool cues and other nasty objects, chase the writers out of the bar.  
  
Heero: Maybe I should ask them to write her like that in the new season.  
  
Duo: . . . After they get out of intensive care. In the meantime, let's get wretched!  
  
Meanwhile, Amuro and Char watch from far away.  
  
Char: Hey, why do they get a special?! A bunch of overpowered Gundams in a rehashed series . .  
  
Amuro: Char, we're in just about every chapter taking up multiple pages. We've got to give these other guys a chance. I mean, you and your twin just took up the entire BUTCHHOUND arc finale.  
  
Char: Well if it's going to be like this from time to time, then damn the director!  
  
Suddenly, the ground begins to shake, the heavens open up revealing the Sun, and in front of it is none other than Revolver Zero.  
  
Char: YOU?!  
  
Zero: I have been damned? (Throws lightning bolts at Char) TAKE THAT BACK FROM YOUR BELOVED WRITER?!  
  
Char is hit by a lightning bolt and thrown to the ground.  
  
Char: Oww . . .  
  
Zero: Now, we will continue with Gundam Wing's special!  
  
Char: Yes, sire . . .  
  
The heaven's close. Dorothy walks into the pub. Wufei is sitting alone as usual, but Dorothy walks over to him.  
  
Dorothy: Hi, I'm Dorothy, like what's your name?  
  
Wufei: I am Wufei, for Wufei is my name!  
  
Dorothy: Ok, and like what do you do?  
  
Wufei: I fight to rid the Earth of all evil that Earth must be rid of!  
  
Dorothy: . . . And umm just how do you do that?  
  
Wufei: By defeating the enemies that must be defeated!  
  
Dorothy: . . . But h -  
  
Wufei: And beating the evil that must be beaten! I will rid the Earth of all evil even if I must become evil itself!  
  
Dorothy: Why are you yelling?  
  
Wufei: For dramatic effect that is effective and dramatic!  
  
Dorothy: Why are you repeating everything you say? You're like that monkey from the Powerpuff Girls.  
  
Wufei: ....... .......  
  
Dorothy: Do you always have to say everything you say twice?  
  
Wufei: No . . . no!  
  
Dorothy: Geez, you're a creep. I'm outta' here.  
  
Dorothy gets up to try and leave.  
  
Wufei: Are you doing the right thing!?  
  
Dorothy: What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Wufei: I'm asking you if you're doing the right thing!!  
  
Dorothy: Yeah, I'm getting out of here.  
  
Dorothy leaves, Duo seeing Wufei's plight comes over.  
  
Duo: Hey buddy you gotta' loosen up!  
  
Wufei: .... ....  
  
Duo: Here have a drink, I can't believe you messed that up man. She's great in the sack!  
  
Wufei: Really . . . really?!  
  
Duo: Yeah buddy, that thing she does with her eyebrows . . . whoa! Plus she let Hilde join too!  
  
Wufei: Damn . . . damn!  
  
Duo: You really need to work on your people skills! What's bugging you so bad?  
  
Wufei: My wife is dead 'cause she died!  
  
Duo: Oh yeah . . . sucks to be you!  
  
Wufei draws his sword.  
  
Duo: Ummm . . . heh, heh, heh . . . did I say you? I meant ewe, you know like a female sheep.  
  
Wufei: You are lucky and in luck! I haven't felt like killing anyone since Trieze died and got killed!  
  
Duo: Well you killed him, there be happy!  
  
Wufei: He killed himself and committed suicide! He was beating my ass because it was my fannie that was getting whooped!  
  
Duo: So you never killed Trieze? Oh well at least he is dead!  
  
Wufie: No! I continue to fight him to this day!  
  
Duo: What do ya' mean! That's just more of your insane psycho-babble right?  
  
Wufei: No, he is alive, look he's over there at his weekly club meeting!  
  
Duo: Holy shit. So you never did kill Trieze!  
  
Wufei: No . . . no.  
  
Duo: So I guess your life is pretty much as meaningless as you were a character in Wing then?  
  
Wufei glares angrily at Duo but before he can draw his sword Duo has already run away.  
  
Wufei: Yes . . . (Sobs) it is!  
  
Elsewhere in the pub, the guys are chill-axing, when . . .  
  
Relena: (Running in with a letter) You've got a bit of important mail, Heero . . .  
  
Everyone looks at Heero.  
  
Char: And why, pray tell, is she reading your mail?  
  
Heero (Opening the letter) At least I can carry on a relationship with someone who's my age. (Reads the letter as the guys restrain Char) . . . I'm being sued?!  
  
Camille: (Takes the letter) Hmm . . . the families of your victims are suing you for wrongful death. Wait, wasn't that just a TV show?  
  
Heero: Well, yeah, but the director wanted a certain "Faces of Death" realism to it. So . . .  
  
Amuro: (Facepalms) . . . so you actually killed all those people.  
  
Heero: It's called method acting. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a lawyer.  
  
Scene change to Birdman's office. Birdman and a suit-wearing Heero talk as Peanut acts like Solid Snake, like usual.  
  
Birdman: So let me get this straight. You were filming a TV show . . . and you actually killed people.  
  
Heero: Why do people have such a problem with this? We were going for realism.  
  
Birdman: You do realize that there's only an extremely small chance that I can spring you, right?  
  
Heero: If you can defend Char against pedophilia, then this should be no problem.  
  
Peanut attempts to snap Heero's neck.  
  
Heero: Cut that out. You're doing it all wrong.  
  
Scene change to the courtroom, with no judge. The jury consists mainly of mecha anime characters of all forms. Suddenly, the heavens open, and from the sky lowers Revolver Zero.  
  
G-Pub: YOU?!  
  
Zero: Yes, I am as well the said writer of this story like I said earlier in this chapter but NOOOOOOO, none of you are paying attention. Do I have to explain myself again and again?  
  
Four: I knew you looked familiar.  
  
Zero: Bring in the defendant.  
  
The bailiff wheels Heero in, who now bears a resemblance to Hannibal Lecter.  
  
Judau: (Whispering to Amuro) That can't be good for his ego.  
  
Zero: Mr. Spyro-Graph, make your case.  
  
Spyro: Thank you, your honor. I intend to prove, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this young miscreant, Mr. Odin Lowe Junior . . .  
  
All the Gundam characters begin laughing wildly.  
  
Scirocco: THAT's his legal name?!  
  
Char: I guess that assassin must have had a fake birth certificate made. Still!  
  
More laughing.  
  
Zero: Order in the court, dammit! Don't make me come down there!  
  
Spyro: This young miscreant willfully and maliciously, took the lives of 3713 people during the filming of his television series.  
  
Zero: Mr. Birdbrain?  
  
Chuckles from everyone.  
  
Birdman: How do you define a hero? Bold? Daring? Fearless? Willing to sacrifice a few thousand lives for the betterment of a few billion? That's my definition, and this brave young man, Heero, is a true . . . hero . . . uh, yeah.  
  
Spyro: The prosecution will now call its witnesses.  
  
A montage of GW characters begin testifying.  
  
Duo: Sure, soldiers are supposed to kill. But Heero's the first one I ever saw make a highlight reel. He'd watch it and make comments like "Boy, that was a messy one". Creeped me out.  
  
Trowa: Actually, he did show remorse. There's this one episode where he puts his life in the hands of his victims' families . . . but they all tried to kill him, so the director hired actors to play their parts.  
  
Relena: He tried to run me over with his Mazda on fifteen non-consecutive occasions!  
  
Birdman: Objection, your Honor. My client was merely filling the clause of his contract that states he was supposed to bring the life of Ms. Peacecraft into jeopardy.  
  
Relena: Only during filming! He tried to run me down when I was going home! My own boyfriend! Once, he even drove through the front wall of my house to get at me.  
  
Heero whispers to Birdman for a second.  
  
Birdman: But at that time, were you not a big fan of the music of Celine Dion?  
  
Relena: Well, yes, but . . .  
  
Birdman: Justifiable homicide, your Honor.  
  
Zero: Meh. Too true.  
  
Cut to the commisionary, where Birdman and Heero are discussing the case.  
  
Birdman: I know exactly what you're going through, my boy. During my super- hero days, I accidentally hit a nuclear reactor with my solar ray. They called it "another Chernobyl". But they never got it to stick! (Chuckles)  
  
The main cast of GW comes over to the table.  
  
Duo: Hey buddy, how's it going?  
  
Heero: (Hisses through the mask)  
  
Duo: Come on, we're supposed to be telling the truth up there. It's not like we're not your friends here.  
  
Heero begins muttering something. Birdman leans in to hear it, and his eyes go wide.  
  
Duo: What'd he say?  
  
Birdman: . . . nothing we could get past the network censors.  
  
Relena: I'm sorry, but I promise that we'll get you out of this. I've got a brilliant plan on how to win the jury's sympathy!  
  
Heero mumbles something to Birdman.  
  
Birdman: He says . . . "You can take your plan, your fuzzy handcuffs, your French maid outfit, and your strawberry body paint and shove them.  
  
The guys look at her funny.  
  
Relena: HEERO!!!!  
  
Birdman: Look, just do your thing and I'll try to stall.  
  
Quatre: Is it right for you to be stalling the engine of modern justice like that?  
  
Birdman: Son, that's what being a lawyer is all about!  
  
The trial drags on . . .  
  
Birdman: (Who now has visible stubble) Your Honor, I believe that by reviewing the entire 49-episode series and movie, we can truly understand that my client was merely acting to fulfill the wishes of the majority and bring about a peaceful resolution to the vicious cycle of war.  
  
Zero and all of the jury are asleep.  
  
Birdman: (Whispering to Heero) I don't think they bought it.  
  
Heero: (Mutters something that sounds like "No shit")  
  
The doors of the courtroom burst open, and in come Relena and the other guys, along with the little girl from EW.  
  
Relena: Wait, we have a surprise witness!  
  
Zero: Well, since I missed my Patriots game we might as well hear what she has to say.  
  
The girl is sworn in.  
  
Birdman: So, sweetie, how did you meet Heero.  
  
Girl: I was walking my dog Mary, and I stopped to talk to him.  
  
Birdman: Now, what do you think of him?  
  
Girl: He's really nice! I gave him a flower and he played with Mary!  
  
Jury: Aww!  
  
Spyro: Young lady, you DO understand that this "nice" boy has ended the lives of over 3000 people, don't you?  
  
Girl: (Getting teary-eyed) Please, don't be mean to my Big Brother Heero. He was just doing what he thought would make everyone happy. He didn't mean to hurt anyone.  
  
She runs up and gives him a big hug.  
  
Jury: Awwwww!  
  
Relena winks at Heero. Heero, relieved, smiles back.  
  
After deliberation . . .  
  
Zero: Mr. Foreman, what is the verdict?  
  
Gai Daidoji: Your Honor, we, the Fair and Just Jury have used our great powers of deduction . . .  
  
Koji Kabuto: Get on with it!  
  
Gai: . . . and, in reviewing the evidence and testimonies, have decided that in light of all the facts . . .  
  
Misato Katsuragi: Just say it!  
  
Gai: . . . That the man known as Odin Lowe Jr., but more commonly by the true name of his soul, Heero Yuy . . .  
  
Roy Fokker: READ THE DAMN VERDICT!  
  
Gai: . . . is innocent.  
  
Zero: Case dismissed! (Rises, and flies back to fanfic writer heaven)  
  
Back at Birdman's office . . .  
  
Birdman: You know, if we'd have lost, the penalty would have been death by lethal injection.  
  
Heero: Been there, done that.  
  
Flashback to a bunch of OZ grunts attempting to inject Heero.  
  
OZ Soldier: Strange . . . the needle isn't breaking his skin  
  
Heero: You might want a beam saber for that, pal.  
  
End flashback  
  
Birdman: Anyway, how'd you get the little girl to testify? I thought she was one of his victims.  
  
Glemmy: She was!  
  
In come Glemmy and a Puru, who is wearing the girl's dress.  
  
Glemmy: The young lady here hired out one of my girls to do a little acting.  
  
Birdman: (To Relena) Nice. You a lawyer?  
  
Relena: Nope, politician.  
  
Glemmy: Well, to celebrate Puru's performance, I'm gonna' let her pick out a "special friend" for tonight. Who do you want, dear?  
  
Puru grabs onto Relena's arm.  
  
Puru: I like this one! She's pretty!  
  
Everyone looks a bit weirded out.  
  
Glemmy: Wait, which one are you?  
  
Puru: I'm Puru-69!  
  
Glemmy: Ah. (To everyone else) She came out a little . . .odd.  
  
Heero: Can I come too?  
  
Glemmy: Sure, the more the merrier.  
  
They walk out, as cheesy 60's porno music plays.  
  
Birdman: . . . I think I'm going to go claw my eyeballs out.  
  
Duo: Hey, compared to what they usually put us in, that's a treat.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Well, the end of another chapter, hope you all liked it. BTW, I have a website dedicated to this fanfic among other Gundam parodies called "The G- Pub". The address is . In the sidestory section, I have Gundam parodies of "Chrono Trigger" and "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phanton Menace". I've got a whole lot of other stuff on there, too, so check it out. 


	11. And the new arc begins

Chapter 11: And The New Arc Begins . . .  
  
Well, it was a typical day in the Pub when all of a sudden . . .  
  
TV Reporter: . . . And today the UN passed a law making people accountable for stupidity. In other words, being an idiot is a prosecutable offense.  
  
All the guys look at each other.  
  
Duo: Does that mean . . .  
  
Camille: . . . What we think it means?  
  
Reporter: Yes, it means you can sue people for being morons.  
  
A host of angels appears and sings "Hallelujah". With a Powerpuff Girls- style flying background, several characters "fly" by holding subpoenas.  
  
Camille: I can sue those losers who say Zeta's derivative of Macross!  
  
Duo: I can sue those freaks who make me a girl in fanfiction!  
  
Domon: I can sue people for excessively paralleling me and Goku!  
  
Loran: I can sue the writers who made me wear dresses in Turn-A!  
  
Everyone else stops and looks at Loran strangely.  
  
Loran: What, you thought I wore those because I wanted to?  
  
Time Lapse. After about a month, the casts of all the shows have filed and won lawsuits against everything under the sun. The Pub is all decked out with new furnishings, and all the guys are carrying Huge Sacks O' Dough. The girls are absent.  
  
Judau: So where are the women, anyway?  
  
Amuro: They're filing their suit against those writers for that mud wrestling thing. (Rolls his eyes) "G"-String Wrestling my foot.  
  
Char jumps up onto the bar and shouts for everyone's attention.  
  
Char: I'm sure you're all aware that anti-stupid lawsuits have gotten us lots of money. But honestly, have they accomplished anything major? We may have solved a few personal issues, but I believe that together we can strike a blow for all decent anime. Now, as you're all aware, the alternate universes have done well in the US, but the original series suffered from the dual problems of dated animation and the unfortunate events of that September. It is my belief that there is one entity we can blame for inspiring the nation's children to have short attention spans and not thinking of mecha series as serious shows. Now is the time to strike a blow for our trampled rights.  
  
Garrod: Are you saying we should sue Cartoon Network?  
  
Char: No, they're the ones trying to help us out here in exchange for Big Sacks O' Dough, and hell, I don't blame them. But, I believe you're all familiar with our common enemies' works . . .  
  
All: You mean . . .  
  
Char: Yes!  
  
Cut to a pristine building in California. We see a group of writers gathered around a meeting table.  
  
Head Writer: Let's see . . . we've done cars, space, and wild animals. How about powerboats?  
  
The other writers show their agreement. Getting a good look at the building's exterior, we see a sign that reads "Saban - Home of the Power Rangers".  
  
In the courtroom the next day, there's a nice large crowd on the Gundam side of the gallery, including a few people who aren't from Gundam at all. Meanwhile the Saban section is looking a little . . . thin. Char, in a snazzy suit, is consulting with Amuro, who's in the gallery.  
  
Char: Who knew this lawsuit would get so much support? I mean, almost every serious mecha anime from the 70's, 80's and 90's on has sent a representative. I'm even co-prosecuting with a couple of them.  
  
He points at the table, where a similarly snazzy Maximillian Jenius and Misato Katsuragi are organizing some papers. At the same time, Haruko is playing her guitar and Cosmo Yuuki is talking to a few of the representatives.  
  
Amuro: Well, you've got a good case. I mean, how in hell is Saban going to fight back?  
  
The judge clears his throat.  
  
Judge: Will the prosecution please present its case?  
  
Char: Yes, your Honor. For twenty years, the brainchild of one Tomino Yoshiyuki has contributed immeasurably to the science fiction culture of Japan and the world. Gundam has inspired almost all of the "Real Robot" anime which sprang up in the Nineteen Eighties, Ninties, and even now in the 21st Century. And yet, when this classic and groundbreaking show came to the United States, it was ill-received . . .  
  
Why? Because almost a decade earlier, Saban Entertainment brought over a live-action Super Robot show under the moniker "Power Rangers." By depicting giant, humanoid battle machines as cheesy cardboard costumed cretins, this show lowered the intelligence of America's youth to the point where they couldn't tolerate anything with five seconds of plot.  
  
This trend continues as that generation becomes teenagers and Hollywood pitches vapid, pointless movies like "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever." Our case is to strike a blow for the thinking American who doesn't need to be distracted by big explosions every five seconds. It is our sincere hope that by removing this purile garbage from the airwaves, our children will actually learn how to enjoy deep plots rather than vapid and visceral media such as that. Thank you.  
  
Char sits and takes a long sip from a glass of water. The anime audience cheers and applauds his speech, but quiets down when the judge bangs his gavel.  
  
Judau: So . . . anyone actually understand one word he said?  
  
Garrod: It would've been so much easier if he didn't use those big words . . .  
  
Amuro: Well, it got our point across that anime needs plot and not all action . . .  
  
Judge: Now, we shall hear the Defense's case.  
  
The defense lawyer stands, flips through a large sheet of paper, and stops at one section.  
  
Defense: I know you are, but what am I?  
  
Everyone Else: . . .  
  
Defense: I'm made of rubber, you're . . .  
  
Judge: (Bangs his gavel) Counselor, your case is going to have to be more than childish taunts if you expect to win.  
  
The attorney flips through some pages. Then some more. After going through the whole document, he nods to his fellow lawyers, and they dash out the door. Everyone else facefaults.  
  
Judge: . . . this is highly unusual. In light of the lack of defense, I rule in favor of the prosecution. The defendant shall pay fifty Big Sacks O' Dough in damages. Case closed. (Bangs his gavel again)  
  
Everyone jumps up and cheers. A few days later, they're back at the G-Pub with their new friends.  
  
Char: (Wearing a suit made entirely out of $100 bills) Well, we won. But I just don't feel like celebrating.  
  
Camille: You struck that blow for thinking minds and got all sentai shows banned. THAT'S not cause for celebration?  
  
Char: . . . yeah, but something's missing.  
  
Judau: Wait, I know what'll cheer you up.  
  
He points over to another side of the bar, where Kou and Nina are holding hands.  
  
Kou: I love you, Nina.  
  
Nina: I love you too, Kou.  
  
Camille: (hands Char the remote control for the Bugs) Better?  
  
Char: (With a devilish grin) Much.  
  
Amuro: Hey, we've got over a few million dollars left over. What'll we do with it?  
  
Camille: Food!  
  
Scirroco: Investments!  
  
Char: Child porn!  
  
Everyone looks at Char.  
  
Char: Hey, I had to try.  
  
Scirroco: How's about Mobile Suit simulations installed?  
  
Amuro: Hmm . . . not a bad idea. We'll try to get some going.  
  
A few days past. In a rare occurrence, the action today is NOT in the bar. In a forest east of Odessa, three MS stomp around, searching for their enemies.  
  
Amuro: (In black-colored Gundam Alex) Anything yet?  
  
Char: (In crimson Gundam) No, it's really suspicious.  
  
Shiro: (In Ez8) I don't like this. How are the others doing?  
  
Amuro: I'll check. (Presses a button on his comms panel) A Team to Z Team, what's your status?  
  
In another part of the forest are Gato with a beam-bazooka-equipped GP02A, Scirocco in a GM Quell, and Bernie in a GM Command.  
  
Scirocco: Z Team, nothing here.  
  
Amuro: How about you, W Team?  
  
The "W" team consisted of Heero in Blue Destiny 1, Camille in the GP01Fb, and Judau in the Full Armor Gundam.  
  
Heero: W Team, a whole lotta' . . . wait, what's that?  
  
Judau: Looks like a Gouf . . .  
  
A streak of blue flashes by, and suddenly the FA Gundam is in pieces. As the other guys turn to fight the enemy, they're taken down by a beam saber and beam gun shots respectively.  
  
Char: (As static comes over the comm system) Dammit! They got W Team!  
  
Shiro: Perfect . . . how's Z Team holding out?  
  
Gato: I see them! Take THIS!  
  
He fires a blast from his beam bazooka, only to watch it dissipate against a barrier of force.  
  
Gato: What the . . . oh no!  
  
A BIG mega particle burst manages to finish off Z Team. At this point, A Team is getting panicky.  
  
Char: How many of them are there?  
  
Shiro: Nine, coming from all directions! Heads up!  
  
Amuro: . . .Oh crap . ..  
  
Out of the forest come a Gelgoog Ground, Z'Gok, Efreet Custom, Zaku Psycommu Type, Acguy, Kaempher, Dom Tropen, Hy-Gogg, and the Apsaras II.  
  
A/C/S: Mommy . . .  
  
GAME OVER. The guys step out of the simulation machines, very dejected.  
  
Camille: They won again! I don't believe it!  
  
Bernie: I don't know why we even bother.  
  
Christina: Maybe because you're suckers for punishment?  
  
Out of the other side's machines step Elpe Puru, Haman, Four, Aina, Sayla, Rosamia, Relena, Rain, and Christina.  
  
Rain: Wow, five in a row. You guys sure suck!  
  
Four: No, we're just that good!  
  
The girls proceed to victory dance, chanting "We Bad! We Bad!" The guys let out frustrated sighs.  
  
Amuro: I just can't stay mad at them.  
  
Heero: Why not?  
  
Amuro: The skintight pilot suits.  
  
Heero: Oh yeah . . .  
  
The guys start ogling, but the girls notice and get out their beam mallets.  
  
Scirocco: BEAM mallets?! That's unfair!  
  
Domon: Well, I always wanted to travel.  
  
*WHAM!*  
  
A little later . . .  
  
The guys step out of the machines, once again, are in vain.  
  
Four: Man, you guys really suck.  
  
Sayla: You're all really pathetic.  
  
Char: Amuro, I'm getting really tired of this. We keep getting beat up by a bunch of girls! I told you we should've invested in porn!  
  
Relena takes her beam mallet and smack Char.  
  
Relena: That's what you get for looking down on us!  
  
Char: Oww . . .  
  
Camille: We want rematches!  
  
Other Guys: Yeah!  
  
Relena: You want more? Fine. Bring it.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	12. And the Slaughter Continues

Before we start, I'd just like to mention again that we have a website: , so come on in and visit whenever you can, as it has everything here plus tons more, not to mention I'll have a message board/forum up soon for your Gundam discussion needs. Also, can I get a vote on what you'd like first for the next time I do an AU special? I have both a G Gundam and SEED special ready, so, which would you guys like first?  
  
Chapter 12: And the Slaughter Continues . . .  
  
Begun! The Gender War Has!  
  
Char: Alright ladies, rematch time!  
  
Rain: We'll whip you boys any day of the week.  
  
Gato: It's on! We're gonna' kick your butts this time!  
  
Haman: Then let the game begin.  
  
They go up to the machines and prepare to get into their cockpits. Amuro reaches into his pocket.  
  
Amuro: Damn, Char, can you lend me a quarter?  
  
Char: Damn it . . .  
  
The guys climb into the game cockpits, pop in their quarters and select their mobile suits  
  
Christina: Haman, Beltochika isn't here today, so we are short one player.  
  
Haman: Like we need her.  
  
Aina: Yeah, but it just isn't a team without us nine girls.  
  
Haman: Fine, I'll call "her" and see if she wants to come play today. I'll join the game later.  
  
Christina: Okay.  
  
The girls jump in, deposit their quarters, and select their suits.  
  
Texas colony wastelands is the chosen arena.  
  
Shiro: Crap, I hate this board! Who picked this board? There's no cover, it's a damn desert! This is so unstrategic!  
  
Char: Well if you want to go hide fine, leave the real fighting to us men.  
  
Judua: Yeah, us men!  
  
Shiro Shut up, Judua! You're like twelve.  
  
Judua sticks his tongue out at the radio.  
  
Bernie: Will you all shut up, you're gonna' give our position away!  
  
(Radio silence)  
  
The guys break into two teams. Team A consisting of Char in the Hyaku- Shiki, Gato in his customized Zeta Gundam, Judua with the FAZZ, Shiro in the EZ-8, and Paptimus in a GM Sniper. Team Z heads off in the other direction made up of Amuro in the Nu Gundam, Bernie in the RX-78-2 Gundam, Heero in the Wing Zero, and Camille in Gundam F91.  
  
Char: Damn it where are they? I wanna' shoot something!  
  
Paptimus: Calm down, ju . . . Something's showing up on the radar!  
  
Judua: I see it. Battle position you guys!  
  
Char starts firing his beam rifle like mad in seemingly random directions.  
  
Char: DIE DIE DIE!!!! I won't loose this time!  
  
Shiro: Char . . .  
  
Char: DIE!!!!  
  
Shiro: Char!  
  
Char: BANG BANG BANG!!!!  
  
Shiro: CHAR!  
  
Char: (Snaps out of it) Huh, what?  
  
Shiro: Those radar blips are us.  
  
Char: That explains why were not dead, yet . . .  
  
Shiro: Say what?  
  
Char: . . . Ahem, I mean that explains why we aren't completely and utterly victorious! Heh heh!  
  
Gato: Were doomed . . .  
  
Char: Hey Gato, where did you get that spiffy new Gundam?  
  
Gato: Oh it's from a MSiA that they said that they were making for me. Isn't it cool?  
  
Shiro: That was just a joke you know.  
  
Gato: Shut up!  
  
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: The whole "Gato's Zeta" thing was a joke we made up on GameFAQs when we were making fun of Gato and one person asked what would happen if Gato was in the AEUG]  
  
Paptimus: Judua, radio Z Team and tell them were drawing a blank here.  
  
Judua: Come in Amuro.  
  
Amuro: This is Amuro . . . over.  
  
Judua: Were not getting anything here how about ya'll?  
  
Char: Amuro sucks!  
  
Amuro: I heard that Char! And no we haven't found anything yet either . . . hey . . wa . . ts . . .gir . . . (Static)  
  
Gato: That's not good.  
  
Paptimus: Hey there are more dots on the radar now moving to the middle, and they're red too. Is that a good thing? We're red right? Right? Which way is the way to run away?  
  
Gato: TAKE COVER!!!  
  
A huge mound of sand is blown away by the Apsaras II, and the other girls storm in after the blast.  
  
Rain: The other guys got lucky. They got Puru and Chris, but were gonna' take you down!  
  
Combat is joined, after several tense minutes with niether side gaining much sway the girls suffer a staggering blow when the Apsaras II is downed landing on top of Rain's Dom Tropen and Relena's Tallgeese, eliminating all three.  
  
Judua: Ha, ha, were winning!  
  
Judua is downed by a precision shot made by Rosamia's Efreet.  
  
Rosamia: Serves you right!  
  
Paptimus' GM Sniper blasts the Efreet.  
  
Paptimus: Who's yo' pappy!  
  
Four: Crap, we're the only ones left.  
  
Relena: Gotta' make these shots count.  
  
Four and Relena are bum rushed by all four guys and easily defeated.  
  
Char: Did we win? YES!  
  
Gato: We actually won?  
  
Shiro: No, the game hasn't ended . . . there's nine of them.  
  
Paptimus: So where are the other two?  
  
All four guys are immediately defeated in a swirl of pink beam energy.  
  
GAME OVER  
  
They all step outside the machine  
  
Char: What the hell was that?  
  
Haman: Beltochika was sick so I got somebody else, video game ace, Allenby Beardsly.  
  
Allenby: You guys are sad.  
  
Heero: Crap! Now we'll never win.  
  
Amuro: Is she that good?  
  
Heero: Ever read Go For It Domon W?  
  
Char: You mean that's . . . We'll never win.  
  
A day later, the girls are in the bar still gloating over their win as the sounds of lots of feet begin marching their way. They look up and see Amuro, Char, Shiro, Bernie, Gato, Camille, Scirocco, Judau, Hathaway, Seabook, Usso, Domon, Argo, Heero, Duo, Garrod, Roybea, Loran, and Kira.  
  
Sayla: What's the matter boys, still hot over your last butt-kicking?  
  
Evil laughs rise up from the women.  
  
Domon: We're here to throw down the gauntlet! You women have trashed us for the last time, and we're gonna' get one final, crushing victory!!  
  
Aina: Eh, go burn your finger or make it explode or whatever the hell you do with it . . .  
  
More laughing.  
  
Judau: What's the matter? Chicken?  
  
The guys all start doing chicken impressions, complete with strutting and crowing.  
  
Relena: Puh-leaze. We happen to be a lot more mature than you testosterone- riddled sad sacks.  
  
Heero: You're just afraid we'll beat the skirts off you.  
  
Relena: (Crushes her beer bottle in her hand) It's go time!  
  
Scirocco: Hold it! We've drawn up a few new rules for this fight. First, to make it fair, no Allenbys.  
  
In the corner of the bar, a certain blue-haired girl feels left out.  
  
Scirocco: Second, we choose the battlefield.  
  
Christina: Fine, prepare to lose what little face you have left. We'll need about five minutes to gather the team.  
  
Char: Take all the time you need, it still won't help.  
  
In another few minutes, the women's team is assembled and consists of Sayla, Haman, Aina, Christina, Cima, Four, Rosamiya, Puru-Two, Quess, Cicily, Kathejina, Rain, Relena, Ennil El, Sochie, Fraw, Karen, Emma, and Reccoa. The teams load up into the newly-expanded machine, put in their money, and select MS.  
  
Char: Now, the battlegrounds shall be . . . Axis!  
  
The screens shift to a view of the barren asteroid, hovering very close to Earth. Most of the people are using their personal MS, which includes a stand-out crowd of Hi-Nu Gundam, Wing Zero Custom, and The O.  
  
Domon: (in G-Gundam) Now, let's ring the starting bell for this revenge match! Gundam Battle of the Sexes!  
  
All Guys: READY?  
  
All Girls: GO!  
  
The battle was only about five minutes in, and everyone was still alive and well. The guys' strategy seemed to mostly consist of delaying and hiding. In one crater . . .  
  
Amuro: (in Hi-Nu) So, how's Operation M going?  
  
Judau: (in FAZZ) So far, so good. We've managed to keep everyone alive up to this point, but it's really up to Bernie.  
  
Camille: (in Zeta) I can't believe our entire plan depends on him . . .  
  
Amuro: Yeah, life's funny like that.  
  
Their sensors begin beeping, and they dodge out of the way to avoid a team attack by Epyon, Pallas Athene, and Gerbera Tetra.  
  
Relena: (in Epyon) Quit running! You wimps challenged us, but you're acting like rookies!  
  
A burst of missile fire chases the girls away from their pursuit.  
  
Roybea: (in Leopard-D) Funny words coming from somebody who's never piloted a real MS in her life.  
  
Meanwhile, there were a number of close-range duels taking place on Axis' surface, including Deathscythe Hell Custom and Nightingale versus Berah Dalas and Quebely.  
  
Duo: This plan is so boring! How long do we have to stall for?  
  
Char: Until we can corral them together, which is no small feat. Char to Loran, how're things going with Stardust?  
  
The Turn-A and GP02A were flying far above Axis, with Crossbone X1 and Strike Gundam playing lookout.  
  
Loran: So far, nothing. Just give us the target and we're ready. I . . . wait a sec. Hey Gato, what about Point 3417?  
  
Gato: Hmm . . . looks good. Stardust, ready! For our pride! Sieg . . . Sieg . . . ERROR . . . GATO-BOT G-800 MALFUNCTIONING . . .  
  
Amuro kicks Gato's MS.  
  
Gato: Whew . . . almost malfunctioned out there . . .  
  
Amuro: . . .  
  
Gato: I mean . . . uh, spaced out . . . yeah, I'm not a robot or anything . . . I think . . .  
  
The Turn-A's missile silos open up and launch a number of objects toward a spot near all the fighting. Shortly, Gato fires the atomic bazooka at the nuclear cluster, setting off a massive explosion.  
  
Haman: Damn! Everyone, get down here! We need to avoid that blast!  
  
With that, all the women's MS land and group on one spot.  
  
Amuro: Yes!! Go, Bernie!  
  
All of a sudden, a lonely Rick Dias jets out of nowhere, a bazooka over its shoulder.  
  
Rain: (in Rising) A Rick . . . Dias?  
  
Emma: (in Super Gundam) They must be pretty desperate to use that.  
  
Or that was what they thought, until Bernie began firing his bazooka at their MS' feet.  
  
Haman: What?! A clay bazooka! They tricked us!  
  
Char: Now, go Argo!  
  
Argo: (in Bolt) Here I go! Zakaretsu Gaia Crusher!  
  
Bolt slams its fist into Axis, creating massive spires of rock that trap the girls. The guys all pull back to a spot with Axis between them and Earth.  
  
Sayla: What the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
Amuro: Winning back our pride! Domon!  
  
Domon: Now, through the magic of Super Robots . . .  
  
All Guys: These hands of ours are burning red!  
  
Christina: You've got to be kidding me . . .  
  
All Guys: Their loud roar tells us to grasp victory!  
  
Haman: Please don't tell me we're gonna' lose to this.  
  
All Guys: Here we go! Bakunetsu Gundam Team Ken!  
  
The gathered MS all throw out their right arms, sending out a giant red shockwave that begins to push Axis . . .towards Earth.  
  
All Girls: . . . Oh.  
  
BOOM! Game over. The guys leap out of their seats and begin celebrating. The infuriated girls climb out a second later.  
  
Scirocco: YES! Men rule!  
  
The guys do a bunch of dancing. Then, they rush off to get plastered. The girls stand there, looking pissed.  
  
Aina: They set us up the whole way! I can't believe it!  
  
Rain: Why that . . . (Sudden inspiration) . . . wait, we're the real winners here!  
  
Haman: Care to enlighten the rest of us?  
  
Rain: (now beaming) Well, what's the one thing guys really want out of girls, but they have to ask permission to get?  
  
The all puzzle over this for a second, then smile.  
  
Sayla: Well, not anymore they're not.  
  
Camille: (Shivers) Why do I feel so worried all of a sudden?  
  
Amuro: Forget it, let's celebrate!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	13. Allenby's Revenge

Chapter 13: Allenby's Revenge  
  
A spotlight comes down onto the G Gundam announcer, Stalker.  
  
Stalker: Men and women of all ages, in the past couple of -  
  
Sayla: Hey!  
  
Stalker: What the . . . ?  
  
Female voices can be heard rioting from the darkness surrounding Stalker.  
  
Relena: What's with this "men and women" business?  
  
Christina: Yeah, why can't we have "women and men"?  
  
Four: Is there just something so terribly wrong with that?  
  
Stalker: Well . . . uh . . . no . . . I -  
  
Haman can be seen tackling Stalker. The spotlight guys out while we hear Stalker getting his ass kicked in the background. The light comes back on, showing Aina Sakhalin in a snazzy female suit.  
  
Aina: LADIES and gentlemen, welcome to the next Chapter of the G-Pub. In the past few chapters you've watched as we OWNED the testosterone jocks of the pub that we're forced to call "men".  
  
Rain (from the darkness): From "personal" experience some of them don't exactly have a manly size . . .  
  
Aina: And we will admit, the men even got as far as beating us a few times, but we all know those sexist pigs cheated the whole time, right? So stay tuned, and be sure to order you're G-Pub Women's T-Shirt. That's 1-800-GPG- URLS, 1-800-GPG-URLS.  
  
We're now taken to the pub . . . the boys and girls come out of the machines after yet another rematch. The boys were barely victorious, but celebrate their second win by dancing and cha-cha-ing down the pub. They even start to do the Macarena.  
  
Allenby (To the girls): THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT TAKING ME!  
  
Haman: I know, maybe we can have a rematch with them?  
  
Allenby: NO! I will defeat you all! Forget about boys vs. girls now it's . . .  
  
Stalker: ALLENBY VS. THE WORLD!!!  
  
The gaming devices are lined up in the G-Pub, countless numbers of them to the point where some are actually set up on the pavement in the alley out back because of the lack of room inside.  
  
A crowd has begun to gather and are patiently waiting to watch the show begin on the large football stadium-style big screens that have been erected out front. Paptimus' boys are out in front selling tickets and getting bets ready.  
  
Stalker steps up in front of the crowd onto a makeshift stage.  
  
Stalker: Ladies and Gentlemen, now for your viewing pleasure we present to you the fight of the century! In this corner, weighing in at ninety-three pounds, our challenger, ALLENBY BEARDSLY!!!!!  
  
Crowd: YAAAAY!!! WOOT WOOT!!!  
  
Stalker: And in this corner, so many other characters from the Gundam Universe with a combined weight of 12,027 pounds the defending champions, the guys and the girls!  
  
Crowd: YAAAAY!!!! WHOOOO!!!  
  
Stalker: Now it will be just a moment before our fighters deposit their quarters. I've been given the signal that all change has been secured. Now the tense decision, the players are selecting their combat mobile suits. We're seeing some lovely selections being made. And....all right I've gotten word that all selections have been locked in! And now to determine who gets the call for the stage, a deciding coin toss. Representing for Allenby Beardsly . . . is Allenby Beardsly . . .  
  
Crowd: YEAH!!! WHOOT! YAAAAY!  
  
Stalker: . . . and representing for the boys and girls, the star of Zeta Gundam, Camille Bidan!  
  
Camille walks up to the podium wearing a shirt similar to Four's.  
  
Stalker: Can you tell us the purpose of you and Four's shirts, Camille?  
  
Camille: We're representing for our new Trojan Condom commercial! We're showing off the new line of Gundam condoms! We've even got different flavors, like Gelgoog Grape, Strike Strawberry, "Blue"berry Destiny, and others! We even have I-Field Barrier for extra protection and Leo Thin Size for extra stimulation, and coming soon - RB-79 Ball Size for those of you that haven't exactly got the size the rest of us do and Big Zam size for those of us like me . . .  
  
Stalker: Alright! Let's get on with it! Allenby since you're the challenger, you call the toss.  
  
Allenby: Heads!  
  
The quarter is thrown high into the air and it spirals gracefully, glinting in the evening sunlight. It begins to ark back towards the ground, gravity tugging at it like a fallen colony dropped by an evil organization lead by a man wearing some form of mask, and as it bounces slightly after hitting the ground, the crowd goes silent in anticipation . . .  
  
Stalker: IT'S TAILS!!!! Things are not starting out on the up and up for our young challenger. Camille where do you plan to fight.  
  
Camille: The stage for the Gryps War. Gryps 2.  
  
Stalker: Aaaaaaaaaall right! Now if you two would please return to your respective gaming devices we can get this event underway.  
  
Camille and Allenby walk back to their respective game pods, as Heero walks past The Red Comets pod, he leans out  
  
Char: I thought I told you to pick A Bao A Qu! You moron!  
  
Camille: Save it, Quattro . . .  
  
Char: You little . . . !  
  
The guys hold back Char as Camille gets into his pod.  
  
Stalker: All right all contestants are locked in! It's time to get things started! Gundam World Tournament! Ready! GO!!!  
  
The game program begins, all of the pilots are enveloped into the game.  
  
Allenby (in Nobel Gundam): All right who is gonna' be first?  
  
Mark (in G Saviour Space Mode): I will finish this myself!  
  
G Saviour charges!  
  
G Saviour explodes!  
  
Scirroco: THREE SECONDS!!! Did anybody have three seconds?  
  
Everyone pulls out their betting tickets.  
  
Seabook (in Gundam F91): Me! Yeah, I win fifty bucks!!!  
  
The battle begins to heat up, everyone charges towards Allenby and the destruction ensues. Zechs charges in the Tallgeese III, he fires the mega particle attack only to have Nobel completely dodge his blast. As the blast flies past her it hits the charging Jagd Doga piloted by Gyunei eliminating him from the game, and Allenby finishes the Tallgeese III with her beam ribbon.  
  
She turns and grabs the Geymark piloted by Chara Soon and flings it over her shoulder into the Pallas Athene. They both explode taking the nearby Altron Custom with them. Aina charges in with the Apsarus and fires the mega-particle cannon. Allenby sees it coming and is long out of the way. The blast wipes several suits as Nobel Gundam lands on top of the Apsaras and rips off its head.  
  
Char surveys the damage from a safe vantage point.  
  
Char (in Nightingale): Dude, I think we are getting our butts kicked.  
  
Amuro (in Hi-Nu): Yeah, I thought about just sitting back and blasting her with my funnels, but she ripped them apart with her bare hands.  
  
Char: You don't say, well its time for Operation Cannon Fodder.  
  
Amuro: What?  
  
Char: Puru clones, ASSEMBLE!  
  
A wall of Puru clones in Mass Produced Qubeleys assemble in front of Char.  
  
Char: HA, HA, HA, CHARGE!  
  
Char and the Puru's charge. Allenby begins fighting through the clones but cannot destroy them fast enough to stop Char's attacks. The pummeling continues until Char runs out of ammo and he begins throwing mass-produced Qubeleys at Nobel. After a few minutes he runs out of expendables and is forced to retreat.  
  
Char: Run away!  
  
Amuro: Well now what?  
  
Char: I don't now. I'm out of people I can kill. Time for me to improv . . .  
  
Amuro: Umm, I just got a message from Judua. He says that over eighty percent of out fighting force has already been defeated.  
  
Char: Crap! Damn this video game simulation! (He sighs) I'm afraid to ask, but, who's left?  
  
Amuro: Us, Domon, Asia, Heero, Camille, Treize, Duo . . . wait never mind Camille is gone now, Paptimus . . and another I can't identify . . .  
  
Char: That's all we need.  
  
Amuro: What do you have up your sleeve?  
  
Char: Stall her. I'll be back.  
  
The Nightingale flies off.  
  
Amuro: What a wimp, oh well . . . Everybody listen up, its time for a last ditch effort. Charge!!!  
  
Every one charges in a frenzy. God Gundam and Master Gundam both fire the Sekiha Tenkyoken, but Nobel thrusts up and they destroy each other. Deathscyhte Hell Custom appears behind Nobel and swings its scythe. He misses and hits the V2 Assault Gundam, slashing it in two.  
  
The F91 fires its VSBR's but Nobel Gundam turns sideways and passes between the beams without harm. The shots continue on and destroy the active cloak wings on the Deathscythe, rendering it immobile with the loss of its wing- based thrusters. Heero fires the Wing Zero's Buster Rifle but Nobel pushes the Deathscythe in between them and utilizes it as a human shield, absorbing the blast and destroying it.  
  
She boosts forward and knocks the gun upwards as Heero tries to fire again. The blast hits The O and rips off its lower half. Amuro rushes forward and Nobel Gundam swings the beam ribbon at him, Amuro dodges and grabs Allenby's arm and twists the Nobel around putting it in an arm lock, rendering it helpless.  
  
Amuro: Heero, now shoot her!  
  
Heero: Roger that.  
  
Allenby: Argh!  
  
Heero: Keep your hold on her, Ray.  
  
The Hi-Nu keeps the Nobel Gundam locked. Heero aims the Twin Buster Rifle.  
  
Heero: . . . Locked on target . . .  
  
Char: Okay guys I'm done here, watch this, I'll beat her!  
  
All is quiet or a moment as Heero adjusts the aim on his dual buster rifle, and then without warning a HUGE beam coming from the Gryps 2 colony cannon fires!  
  
Char: Feel the wrath of Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam's Boom Boom Colony Cannon!  
  
Amuro: Chaaaaar! You imbecile!  
  
Char: Ph33r teh Titans' Boom Boom Colony Cannon!  
  
All the remaining suits are engulfed in the massive beam of light, when the fire subsides, only the Nobel Gundam remains intact, shielded from the attack by what once was the Hi-Nu Gundam  
  
Allenby: Hee, hee, your the only one left Mr. Ped Comet.  
  
Char: That's it I'm gonna' get you!  
  
Char begins to repeatedly fires the Gryps 2 Colony Cannon insanely each time missing Allenby.  
  
Char: DIE, DIE, DIE!!!  
  
Libra's reactor over-loads and the entire space station explodes, taking Char down with it.  
  
Allenby: Ha, ha I win. I win. I'm the best!  
  
Stalker: No, don't get excited yet Ms. Beardsly, there is one opponent left.  
  
Allenby: WHAT! Where are you, you coward!  
  
'Mysterious pilot': (Snort)  
  
Allenby: Where are you, show yourself!  
  
Out of no where Nobel Gundam is struck and sent flying.  
  
Allenby: Ahhhhhhhhhh! What was that? Come on you!  
  
The white flash returns and strikes Allenby again pushing her into Earth's atmosphere. As Nobel Gundam begins to fall to Earth burning up, she catches a glance at her opponent.  
  
Allenby: Noooooo! How could I lose to you! Noooo!  
  
Nobel Gundam explodes.  
  
Allenby storms out of her pod into a cheering crowd of Gundam characters all gathered around one pod waiting for the champion to step out. As they cheer the door opens and he steps out . . .  
  
Stalker: And here he is ladies and gentlemen, the champion of the World Gundam Tournament, you're favorite horse from G Gundam, Fuunsaiki!  
  
Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!  
  
Allenby: . . . I can't believe it happened again . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	14. Mobile Fighter Revolution! Dance Like Yo...

I know there were issues with the letters in Chapter 13, but I fixed it, and it's alright now. This G-Pub chapter is probably one of my all-time favorites because of the last few parts. Enjoy, especially fans of the "video game" that's featured later on. ^_^  
  
Chapter 14: Mobile Fighter Revolution! Dance Like You Wanna' Win!  
  
Over at the game cabinets, Char was busy hooking up a shiny new hard drive. Seabook wandered over and examined the work between sips of his beer.  
  
Seabook: Hey Char, whatcha' doing?  
  
Char: I decided that we need a way to hone our piloting skills outside of fighting the girls, so I had Nanai help me program a set of simulation missions. Once I get this bad boy installed, I'm gonna' get the guys to give me a hand in its test run.  
  
Seabook: Cool, I'll join as soon as the floating ponies go away . . . (He passes out in one of the cabinets)  
  
Char: . . . If he barfs in there, that's his cabinet.  
  
Time passed, and later the gambling group was assembled near the machines as Char popped a few kinks out of his spine.  
  
Char: So, you guys ready to try this baby out?  
  
Domon: Sounds fun . . . but what mission did you have in mind?  
  
Char: Hmm . . . let's go with the randomizer to make it interesting. (Presses a few buttons, and the hard drive whirrs to life.) Okay, it's ready. Hop in and let's let the fun begin!  
  
The guys take their seats, select their MS, and the simulation begins. The scene changes to the space near a colony.  
  
Amuro: Well, at least nothing's attacking us so far.  
  
Camille (in Re-GZ Custom): Wait, something seems familiar here . . . what colony is this anyway?  
  
Scirocco (in Neue Ziel II): Let me check . . . Gryps 2?!  
  
Seabook: Is that a problem? Char, what mission is this?  
  
Char: Umm . . . I dunno', Nanai kicked me out of the room before she started writing the situations.  
  
Suddenly, all their sensors start going off at once. The MS dodge out of the way to avoid a burst of beam energy. They turn their attention toward the attack and see . . .  
  
Heero: Psyco Gundam? Is this some kind of Titans sim?  
  
Domon: Please, we're way too skilled for that. SEKIHA TENKYOKEN!  
  
G Gundam's famous fireball quickly dispatched the Psyco Gundam, but then their sensors went off again.  
  
Shiro: There's two coming in at my 12!  
  
Camille: Three on my side!  
  
Judau: They just keep coming! How many are there?  
  
Char: . . . Lots . . .  
  
The guys looked around in disbelief at their surroundings. Protoypes, Mark- I through IV and Mass-Production, but they all had one thing in common . . .  
  
Amuro: It's an army of Psyco Gundams!!!  
  
All: . . . Crap.  
  
Another couple of minutes and it was game over. They climbed out of the seats, still in shock.  
  
Judau: What kind of freak makes an army of Psyco Gundams?!  
  
Heero: What else, a psycho.  
  
Char: Hey, we managed to get a few of them to shoot each other by dodging.  
  
Amuro: . . . Char, gimme' that Bug remote.  
  
Char: Why?  
  
Amuro: I'm going hunting.  
  
Char (Clutching his remote): But I only have so many women to choose from.  
  
Amuro: Dude, this is a singles' bar.  
  
Char: . . . Oh yeah. (Hands over the remote) Have fun, I'm gonna' hit on some of the SEED girls.  
  
Camille: . . . Umm, singles bar? We all have girls.  
  
Amuro: . . . Fuck you. (Clutching the remorte) I've been waiting years to do this . . . it's extermination time!  
  
As Char unsuccessfully tries to pick up chicks, Amuro chases Nanai around with the bugs, attempting to maim her.  
  
Minutes later, Camille revisits the machines. We see Duo, crouched near the consoles and working fervently. Camille walks up to him.  
  
Camille: What the heck are you doing?  
  
Duo: Turning all the cabinets into Mobile Trace Systems.  
  
Camille: . . . And that accomplishes what?  
  
Duo: I also installed cameras in the girls' cabinets!  
  
A phone rings. Camille answers it.  
  
Camille: Hello? What?! (Hands the phone to Duo) It's Tecmo, they want you to work on Dead or Alive 4.  
  
Duo: Sweet!  
  
Some time passes. The girls come in to train. They finally notice the changes.  
  
Four: Hey, who turned our cockpits into MT Systems?!  
  
Duo is sitting nearby, drinking a beer. Upon hearing this, he gets nervous.  
  
Rain: Well? And you'd better not say it was Kou or Mark, we know you guys just want another excuse to beat on them.  
  
Duo: . . . It was that old guy from 08th Team. You know, the one who Shiro works under?  
  
Aina: Jidan?! Let's get him!  
  
The angry Female Mob leaves. Duo chuckles.  
  
Duo: Suckers. Anyway, back to designing Kasumi's new bikini costume! Me- YOW!  
  
Elsewhere . . .  
  
The guys are examining their game cabinets and grumbling.  
  
Scirocco: He turned all of them into Mobile Fighters?!  
  
Camille: At least he didn't put the cameras in ours as well . . .  
  
Amuro (Looking around): How do you know that . . . ? He could've done it for all those fangirls in exchange for them to stop chasing him . . .  
  
Heero: Duo would never sell out to the dark side!  
  
The guys look across the room and see the Frost Brothers sitting at the table together, winking at the guys.  
  
Heero: Is anyone going to stay out here to make sure people like them don't come anywhere near here?  
  
Judau (Looking at the Mobile Trace machines): Hmm . . .  
  
Char: (Deep in thought) There needs to be a way we can exploit this . . . oww . . .  
  
Amuro: What's wrong?  
  
Char: I was deep in thought for way too long . . .  
  
Amuro looks at Char weird.  
  
Char: What? Stop looking at me like that. This isn't one of those anime doujins . . .  
  
Amuro: You're brain hurts when you think?  
  
Char: What? You thought I think about all those plans by myself? I had people like Nanai do it for me.  
  
Amuro: . . .  
  
Char: What?  
  
Amuro: Nothing, nothing . . .  
  
Char: I wish she was here right now to help us . . .  
  
Amuro: Well, she's a little too "tied up" to help us if you know what I mean.  
  
Char: Right . . . but we need to exploit this some how . . .  
  
Kira: What are you talking about? The only people who can effectively use the MTS are fighters like Domon. The rest of us can fight some, but we're not at the level of those G Gundam guys!  
  
Domon: Well, remember that not everyone uses a real fighting style. I mean, we had people who just did sports who thought they could win the fight. All it takes is some form of physical fitness.  
  
Scirroco suddenly has an evil thought.  
  
Scirroco: I've got an idea.  
  
Camille: Watcha' thinking, Pappy?  
  
Scirroco: Remember that day in the mall and you saw me at Guns R' Us, and you and Four were getting it on in the arcade, do you remember what you were on?  
  
Camille: Umm . . . wasn't really paying attention . . . oh, wait, now I remember . . . (Grins evilly)  
  
Scirroco: Follow me!  
  
They rush out of the bar. A week later, the girls receive a challenge letter.  
  
Haman: They don't know when to quit, do they?  
  
Relena: Well, we really can't underestimate them anymore. After all, they managed to beat us with their little plan.  
  
Christina: Then we just need to monitor their transmissions and figure out how to counter their plans. I say go for it.  
  
The challenge was accepted, and when the day came, the guys arrived looking noticeably stronger.  
  
Char: Are you prepared to face defeat? We're ready for you once more!  
  
Haman: Big talk. Let's just get this over with.  
  
They load up their MS, activate the Trace System, and select the background: Libra MAX2.  
  
Rain: MAX2? What's going on?  
  
The battle begins with the two teams facing each other. The guys are unusually confident.  
  
Sayla: What are they so smug about? We're just as good as them!  
  
Domon: Scirocco, do it!  
  
The O's chest opens up, revealing the speakers he installed. Suddenly, they begin blaring goofy-sounding Japanese music.  
  
Domon: These feet of ours are burning red! Their loud roar tells us to kick it up a notch! Here we go!  
  
All Guys: Burning Para Para Power!  
  
Their MS start . . . dancing in Para Para style, with cute choreography and hand motions. The girls' MS facefault.  
  
Amuro: Here I go! Nu Breakdance Attack!  
  
The fin funnels launch off Hi-Nu's back, and it begins spinning and flailing on its back as the funnels flash strobe lights on him.  
  
Camille: Robot-Style Breakdown!  
  
The Zeta begins dancing robot-style.  
  
Yuu & Shiro: Capoeria Spin Style!  
  
Blue Destiny Unit 03 and Ez8 Space Custom start capoeria dancing, complete with partner moves like flipping.  
  
Heero & Domon: Endless Waltz!  
  
God and Wing Zero Custom begin dancing with each other across the screen.  
  
Garrod: Let's finish them off!  
  
Kira: Ultimate Riverdance Attack!  
  
The guys' MS begin moving in a style which would put Michael Flatley to shame. As they finish, the girls recover from their shock.  
  
Sayla: Cute, but now it's time to fight for real!  
  
GAME OVER. Everyone steps out of their pods, the guys sweating a bit.  
  
Rain: What the hell was that?!  
  
Char: We figured the best way to use the new MTS would be in a real challenge of physical skill - Dance Dance Revolution!  
  
The girls all facefault as the guys leave to get beers.  
  
Heero: I have this urge to take off my shirt all of a sudden.  
  
Judau: Please, don't . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	15. Girl Power!

Chapter 15: Girl Power!  
  
It's another night at the G-Pub, Char is sitting at the bar when the door opens. Unusually, the guys and girls aren't messing with their simulation machines.  
  
Amuro: Hey Char, old buddy, old pal! I want you to meet my old girl that I just got back together with, Sayla.  
  
Char: (Thinking to himself) Hmm, she seems very familiar . . .  
  
Amuro: Well Char, say hi to Sayla. Don't be rude.  
  
Char: (Thinking to himself) Now where do I know her from . . . ?  
  
Amuro: Char, this isn't like you to not drool over a beautiful woman . . . then again, she is over the age of 14 . . .  
  
Char: That's it!  
  
Amuro: What!?!  
  
Char: She's my sister you dog!  
  
Amuro: What the hell!?  
  
Char: How the hell could a Feddie scum like you hook up with MY sister!  
  
Amuro: No she can't be!  
  
Char: Artesia, how could you settle for this low-life?  
  
Amuro: Her name isn't Artesia . . . is it?  
  
Sayla: Yes . . . it is. Brother, why do you always do this?  
  
Char: Well if you could just get a man who isn't a sissy!  
  
Amuro: Excuse me!  
  
Char: Yeah, you heard me! You are a sissy! Little ninny doesn't wanna' go to the graveyard and dig up corpses, noooooo that would make baby cry.  
  
Amuro: That has nothing to do with this, stop bringing up the graveyard, I don't want to know anything about that!  
  
Char: Well you're the one who always asks where I got all that dough to buy Axis, so I figure it has some relevance!  
  
Amuro: . . . That's disgusting.  
  
Sayla: Stop it both of you!  
  
Char/Amuro: NO!  
  
Char: You will not see my sister.  
  
Amuro: You can't stop me!  
  
Char: Like hell I can't! Sayla, you can't see this jerk!  
  
Sayla: Relax, were just having fun.  
  
Char: That's just sick! Amuro, consider our friendship over! Now you DIE!!! . . . Damn it where did I put that remote . . . oh, silly me wrong pocket . . . now where was I . . . Oh yeah! DIE!!!!!!!!  
  
Char takes out his bug remote control.  
  
Amuro: Oh shit!!! Haro!!!!!!  
  
Haro jumps out from behind Amuro and assumes a kung-fu stance  
  
Char: A pity, I don't like resorting to violence . . .  
  
Amuro: Don't like resorting to violence?! What the hell do you call dropping that asteroid on Tibet?!  
  
Char: . . . Shut up.  
  
Char's bug and Haro begin to duke it out, it lasts several minutes until Haro is finally sliced into tiny green pieces.  
  
Amuro: Haro!!! Noooooo!!!  
  
Char: You're next. DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!  
  
'Mysterious voice': STOOOOOOOP!!!  
  
Chan Agi from Char's Counterattack runs up.  
  
Chan: Don't kill him!  
  
Amuro: Chan . . . I thought you were dead!  
  
Sayla: Who is this?  
  
Amuro: Umm, this is Chan, we were sort of . . . umm . . .  
  
Sayla: So you're cheating on me!  
  
Amuro: That's not it! I thought she was dead!  
  
Chan: Oh, cut the crap! I know you paid Hathaway to try and kill me, I'm gonna' have you locked up!  
  
Amuro: Meh. So I did. You were getting really annoying.  
  
Chan: Die, Amuro!  
  
'Another mysterious voice': NOOOOOO!!!  
  
Beltochika runs up.  
  
Amuro: What the hell! You!?  
  
Beltochika: That's right, you're not gonna' kill him. I'm gonna' see this punk pay!  
  
Sayla: Who the hell is this hussy?  
  
Chan: No, I'm killing him!  
  
Beltochika: No you aren't if you kill him he can't pay child support! (Points to her stomach) It's yours.  
  
Amuro: (Whimpers) You can't be serious . . .  
  
Sayla: You little slut, get away from my boyfriend!  
  
Beltochika: You just call me a slut?  
  
Sayla: No shit. I bet we could fit a Rick Dom up that ass of yours.  
  
Beltochika: . . . Only a GM at most, but that's normal, right?  
  
Sayla: Make a choice, you have to go with one of us for good, and the other two will just make your life a living hell by suing you.  
  
Amuro: . . . I don't know . . . I love you, Sayla!  
  
Sayla: Yay! I knew it!  
  
Beltochika: This author is such a Sayla fanboy.  
  
Chan: I know. All the characters he hates just get no damn respect in these stories . . .  
  
Beltochika: He changed up this scene just to fit his biased ways, how dare he . . .  
  
Amuro: Damn it Char, that's your cue to kill the others!  
  
Char: Don't look at me. I'm not killing anybody. I think this is funny as hell!  
  
Amuro: What am I gonna' do?  
  
Scirroco shows up.  
  
Scirroco: I just received orders from the heavens to settle this fight.  
  
Char: Orders from the heavens?  
  
Scirroco: Yep. (He shows a video tape)  
  
Chan: Oh my God, where did you get that!  
  
Scirroco: I can blackmail you all with this. Now leave my buddy alone or everybody in the bar will know!  
  
Sayla: You wouldn't!  
  
Scirroco: Oh really? Hey Domon, find a VCR and hook it up to the TV, its movie time!  
  
Beltochika: No, fine we'll leave!  
  
Scirroco: You better, I can frame every woman here! Ha, ha, ha!  
  
Chan, Beltochika, and Sayla leave.  
  
Amuro and Char: What was that?  
  
Scirroco hands Amuro the video tape.  
  
Amuro: Oh my God! "Mobile Suit-less 'G'-Spot! The woman of Gundam as you've never seen them before!" How did you get this, I thought it was just a legend!  
  
Scirroco: Being the Grand Priest of Titans-ism, I have my ways. I'll lend it to you, for those lonely nights you know.  
  
Amuro: I need a drink . . .  
  
Some time passes as Amuro and Char gulp down some drinks.  
  
Char: Anyway, we need to figure out another way to get the girls.  
  
Domon enters, looking a bit worried.  
  
Gato: What's with the long face? Rain find out you were cheating on her again?  
  
Domon: (Angrily) I was not cheating! And besides, the girls are doing something that sort of makes me concerned!  
  
Amuro: Is it that serious?  
  
Domon: Yeah, I was about to ask Master to join us in all these "Battle of the Sexes" fights, but I heard from the bartender that he's been spending a lot of time with the girls lately.  
  
Char: Well, it's not like he's going to switch sides. He can't, sort of . . .  
  
Everyone begins to think about this, then there's a lot of gagging and vomiting, except for Heero.  
  
Camille: (Urp) How on Earth can you stand thinking about that?!  
  
Heero: Ever seen "A Clockwork Orange"?  
  
Camille: Yeah.  
  
Heero: Been there, done that.  
  
A couple of days later . . .  
  
Char: Hey, I got a formal challenge letter from the girls. Seems like they're pretty serious . . .  
  
Shiro: Formal challenge . . . blah, blah, blah . . .five-on-five . . . yada, yada . . . no DDR crap this time . . .  
  
Amuro: Well, who's our best five?  
  
Char: Well, that's tough. Everyone here is quite skilled, but we need to distill it down to the best of the best.  
  
Shiro: Since it'll probably be a space battle, I'll sit this one out.  
  
Kira (Drunk): I wanna' fight, too!  
  
He falls on the floor totally stones.  
  
Scirroco: I think I'll carry my friend here home.  
  
Gato: . . . That still leaves seven of us. Are we gonna' have to draw straws or something?  
  
Camille: Seems that way. It's not the way I'd like to run things, but we're gonna' have to.  
  
The straws had been drawn, and the team consisted of Amuro, Char, Camille, Domon and Heero. They gathered by their machines to wait for the girls.  
  
Char: Please. They keep us waiting this long just to have their butts kicked. Remind me why we let them order us around.  
  
Amuro: Because you insist that we'll beat them senseless.  
  
Char: Right . . .  
  
Then, the competition arrives. Five girls, wearing flowing Gregorian monk- style robes.  
  
Guys: . . .  
  
Domon: (Smirking) Okay, so when do you guys bash your faces with boards?  
  
They point towards the cabinets, silent. More sweat drops from the guys.  
  
Camille: Well, they're direct.  
  
Set-up, stage select: Satellite Orbit 1. The battle loads up . . .  
  
Heero: So what's with their whole monk act?  
  
Char: Beats me, but it's not gonna' work. We're gonna' win for sure! (Smiles and flashes a V sign)  
  
Amuro: Five high-speed MA approaching . . . dammit . . .  
  
Char: (Sees the MS on the scanners) Domon, I am going to kill you.  
  
Domon: What?! What did I do?  
  
The Mobile Armors take a rather distinctive appearance . . . they're playing card suits. They transform into Mobile Suit Mode, and then the talking begins.  
  
Haman: You guys got too confident.  
  
Christina: Is that something that happens to all guys, or just MS-jocks like you?  
  
Four: It's going to be sweet rubbing this one in your faces!  
  
Allenby: You're going down, and HARD!  
  
Relena: I don't think introductions are needed, at this point. Ladies?  
  
Girls: New Shuffle Alliance Girls, go!  
  
And it went downhill from that point on. Haman's Shuffle Joker got Char with its funnels, Wing Zero got impaled on Shuffle Heart's sword, Zeta Gundam was blasted by Shuffle Diamond, Amuro was ripped up by Shuffle Club's gattlings.  
  
Domon: You think you're something, don't you?! Well, I'm still the one, true King of Hearts! SEKIHA TENKYOKEN!  
  
Girls: Bakunetsu Shuffle Flush!  
  
A big combined ki blast manages to overwhelm Domon's attack and vaporize God Gundam. GAME OVER.  
  
Char: . . . The hell?!  
  
Amuro: THAT'S why they were sweet-talking Master Asia?  
  
The girls exit their cabinets, wearing distinctive Shuffle Alliance-styled clothing.  
  
Allenby: (as Ace of Spades) Aww, did we crush your male hubris?  
  
Four: (as King of Diamonds) Well, we did give you advance notice. We can't be blamed for your loss.  
  
Haman: (as Red Joker) Sure we can, we're the ones who handed them their butts on a platter.  
  
Relena: (as Queen of Hearts) I'm sorry little boys, maybe next time we'll go easy on you.  
  
Christina: (as Jack of Clubs) Yeah, if you ever start feeling suicidal, challenge us again!  
  
Relena: Let's go, Shuffle Girls!  
  
They walk off, cheering and celebrating. The guys are speechless.  
  
Domon: . . . I'm gonna' kill that dirty old man . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	16. DDR Once Again

Before I start, if you notice, I've changed my pen name. Just want to let the obvious-impaired know that. :P  
  
Chapter 16: DDR Once Again  
  
Heero: You kicked me off the team for HIM?!  
  
Camille: I'm okay with Gato, but you used HIM and expected to win?  
  
Amuro: Don't look at me, I didn't organize the team.  
  
Heero: That's it.  
  
He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Mark. Almost as an afterthought he shoots Kou. Everyone is stunned.  
  
Gato: Well, that certainly solved things.  
  
Grand Will of the Universe (aka I"z-chan): This just will not do! Reset time!  
  
Kou and Mark get back up as if nothing happened.  
  
Heero: (angrily) The hell!  
  
Domon: They're like roaches!  
  
Kou: I'm alive.  
  
Heero: Not for long you're not.  
  
He pulls a rocket launcher and blows their heads off.  
  
I"z-chan: Man, I'm busy tonight!  
  
They get up again. At this point, Heero is getting very frustrated.  
  
Mark: Why does this keep happening?  
  
Heero: (calming down suddenly) Would you mind following me?  
  
Kou: . . . Sure.  
  
Heero stops to whisper something to Domon, who nods. Then the three of them leave. Later, on top of a cliff . . .  
  
Mark: Wow, he's gonna' set us up with some girls. Which is even better 'cause we're on Makeout Point.  
  
Kou: Yeah, but he has been gone an awful long time . . .  
  
On a farther away cliff . . .  
  
Heero: Learn how to stay dead!  
  
He fires the Redeemer at the hill, causing a massive explosion. Satisfied, he returns to the pub.  
  
Char: . . . Hmm, they haven't come back this time. What'd you do?  
  
In the distance, there's a forlorn shout of "NO~!" Heero smiles.  
  
Amuro: How come you killed those two so efficiently but you couldn't off one girl?  
  
Heero: . . . They're called boobs, Ray.  
  
Char: So, you finally killed those two?  
  
Heero: Well, after I nuked them, I doused them in holy water, put them in iron maidens, shot them with silver bullets, put stakes through their hearts, and had the coffins sealed by Shinto priests and priestesses from at least 10 different anime.  
  
Amuro: That ought to do it.  
  
Kou and Mark walk in the door, none the worse for wear.  
  
Kou: What a weird dream.  
  
Heero: Sonufa . . . !  
  
He reaches into Heero-space to pull out some implement of messy death, but Char stops him.  
  
Char: Don't, you'll just get the bar messy.  
  
Amuro: Says the guy with the Bug.  
  
Char: (hiding the remote) That's a horrible thing to say.  
  
Seabrook: You DO realize that that thing has Child Bugs, right?  
  
Char: What?  
  
Seabrook: Lemme' see that remote. (He takes it.) Yeah, let's see . . . bring it in here . . .  
  
The Bug flies in and hovers peacefully in the air.  
  
Amuro: Peacefully? Are you sure about that one, Lord Zero?  
  
Zero: Shut up and get on with the story.  
  
Seabrook: Right, now press this and . . .  
  
It releases three Child Bugs, smaller circle-killy-things about 2 feet in diameter.  
  
Char: Sweet! Now, if only I had the right number of targets...  
  
He looks over and sees Kou, Mark, Nina and Cynthia.  
  
Char: Somebody up there likes me. (He walks off grinning evilly)  
  
Camille: Any ideas how we can beat the girls again? They're really starting to gather strength, thanks to that whole Shuffle Alliance thing.  
  
Gato: We can't beat them at MF-style combat, and I can't find Duo to make him switch the pods back to MS controls.  
  
Heero: He's at the beach doing research.  
  
Gato: The beach is research?!  
  
Heero: Dead or Alive?  
  
Gato: Oh yeah . . .  
  
Domon: We need to figure out the best way to get them more than once. All these little plans stop working after a while.  
  
Char re-enters, his outfit covered in blood.  
  
Char: We kicked their butts at dancing . . .  
  
Domon: But they're bound to lock that option out.  
  
Scirocco: I have a connection at the game distributor. Shall we . . .  
  
Time lapse. The entire girl squadron prepares to enter the bar's game section.  
  
Sayla: Time to kick some masculine butt!  
  
As they approach, upbeat music can be heard. Then they enter and see . . .  
  
Rain: Where are the machines?!  
  
Christina: They've been replaced with . . .  
  
All the girls simultaneously shout their boyfriends' names angrily, which I will not reprint to save space. All the guys walk up.  
  
Char: Yes?  
  
Haman: What did you do?!  
  
Scirocco: Oh, those old machines were getting boring, so we had them switched out for DDR machines. We've got every Mix ever, from 1st to 5th Solo and MAX2!  
  
Relena: Then where are the other game pods?  
  
Scirocco: (pulls out an invoice) Stonecrest Mall, Georiga.  
  
The girls facefault.  
  
Scirocco: Well, back to the game. (sings) Everybody dance with me!  
  
Guys: (singing) Let the music move your feet . . . everybody dace with me, dance with me, let the music move your feet for me . . .  
  
Camille: A capella DDR! Whoo!  
  
All of the guys walked off in unison. The girls stared at the DDR machines wondering how to beat the guys.  
  
Sayla: Damn . . . these machines are going to be the death of us.  
  
Haman: We can't beat them just be standing here.  
  
Haman jumps onto a machine, throws a few quarters in and begins playing. 2 seconds later, "Danger" appears.  
  
Haman: Piece of shit machine!  
  
Allenby: Girls . . . I have the answer to all of our problems . . .  
  
Meanwhile, a mysterious man from a Gundam series spies on the girls' new weapon . . .  
  
The guys prepare to get into one of the machines while whistling random DDR songs.  
  
Camille: I can't believe they actually think they can beat us at our own game.  
  
Amuro: It's like career suicide.  
  
The guys get in while the girls get into theirs with a smirk on their faces.  
  
Healing Vision begin playing. The guys easily rack up points, but then notice something's terribly wrong and that the girls are beating them.  
  
Heero: It's a G-G-G-  
  
Char: A Gundam?  
  
Heero: A . . . a . . .  
  
Seabook: Speak man!  
  
Heero: IT'S A GAMESHARK!  
  
Guys: A Gameshark?!  
  
Scirroco: That's cheating! Hey, look, they've got Turbo Controllers! They're not even using the dance pads!  
  
Domon: Who the hell did they get to convert arcade machines into PS2s?!  
  
Elsewhere, Duo is sitting on the beach with lipstick covered kisses all over his face, each kiss having a different shade that each the girls wear.  
  
The girls laugh in unison.  
  
Mysterious Man: I've had enough of this! (He jumps onto a guys' machine)  
  
Amuro: Ramba Ral?!  
  
Rain: What the hell?  
  
Ramba: That gameshark only has set codes, therefore, easy for my DDR machine to predict!  
  
Ramba begins dancing up a storm, beating everyone.  
  
Ramba: This is no Macarena, boy! No Macarena!  
  
Amuro: Go Ramba!  
  
Mysterious Woman: Not if I can help it! (Gets onto a girls' machine) Ramba: Hamon?!  
  
Hamon reveals her machine is a Dance Dance Revolution 7th Mix. She and Ramba begin dancing like there's no tomorrow . . .  
  
Garrod Ran and Paptimus Scirroco's machines begin to release smoke.  
  
Ramaba: Damn. Retreat! Garrod and Scirroco, GET BACK!  
  
Ramba gets off of his machine in defeat looking at Hamon:  
  
Ramba: Just remember! It was the machine that did it and nothing else! DO YOU HEAR ME HAMON??!  
  
Hamon: Shut up, you're just a sore loser . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	17. The Clone War Has Begun

Chapter 17: The Clone War Has Begun  
  
A late night at the G-Pub.  
  
Char: Hey Amuro, Karozo Ronah's big case with LucasFilm is tomorrow.  
  
Amuro: I knew it was only a matter of time before they sued about him being a Darth Vader wannabe. But . . . it's a lawsuit without us involved!  
  
Amuro and Char high-five each other. excel  
  
Char: So you wanna' go watch how things play out?  
  
Amuro: Hell yeah!  
  
Char: Tomorrow at 8:00!  
  
Amuro: See you at the court house.  
  
And so, begun, this clone war has!  
  
The next day in court . . .  
  
Karozo 'Iron Mask' Ronah: So how do you think we are gonna' do?  
  
Harvey Birdman: I think we're screwed . . .  
  
Ronah: You said this would be an easy case!  
  
Birdman: I just wanted you to pay me . . .  
  
Ronah: I'm gonna . . .  
  
Birdman: Quiet . . . the case is starting!  
  
Bailiff: All rise. The Honorable Judge Reinhold presiding.  
  
The audience assembled in the court room erupts in laughter.  
  
Bailiff: Show some respect for Judge Reinhold!  
  
The court goes silent.  
  
Bailiff: I'm sorry Judge.  
  
Judge: That's okay. It's more laughs than I got in Head Office.  
  
Judge raps his gavel.  
  
Judge: Be seated. Superior Court of Cosmo Babylonia will come to order. The case of LucasFilm Ltd. vs. Karozo Ronah for 20 billion dollars. Is the defendant here?  
  
Ronah: Yes, your honor . . .  
  
Judge: Cool. And are the plaintiffs here?  
  
LucasFilm Attorney: yes, your honor.  
  
Birdman: Your honor, at this time I would like to note that I've seen all of your movies, including Zandalee and Vice Versa.  
  
Judge: I'm listening . . .  
  
Birdman: And at this point I'd also like it noted that neither my client nor myself recognize this court's authority.  
  
Judge: Very well. Let's bring in the jury.  
  
The Star Wars Imperial March begins to play in the background as the jury files in, all of them are wearing Earth Federal Forces uniforms. Familiar faces include Seabook Arno, Harrison, Berghito, Chris, Robar, and several other F91 Feds.  
  
Ronah: What, they're all Feddies! I don't get it! Where's the spacenoids?  
  
Birdman: I think we may have trouble with Berghito.  
  
Judge: All right this court is adjourned until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow when I'll here the closing arguments.  
  
The bailiff whispers in Judge's ear.  
  
Judge: Ummm, I mean opening arguments. The jury will be sequestered and be allowed no contact with anyone for the rest of the case.  
  
Seabook: We get to stay in hotel? Sweet!  
  
Flash over to the set where F91 is being re-made in English.  
  
Stagehand: Sir, all of the cast isn't gonna' show up. What are we gonna' do?  
  
Director: Simple, we'll just replace them with the cast of 0083.  
  
Stagehand: Are you sure that's a good idea?  
  
Director: Of course it is, it will please my Dark Master . . . I mean the fans, yeah!  
  
Stagehand: Fine . . . whatever . . . bring in Kou Uraki . . .  
  
Kou: Hi everybody!  
  
The camera crew boos and jeers at Kou and he starts to cry.  
  
In the Pub, Karozo, Char, Amuro and Birdman plot a way to win the case.  
  
Karozo: I'm doomed! I knew I shouldn't have thought about ripping off Vader. I should have just ripped off Char like everyone else but nooooo!  
  
Char: Like hell you should have, how about not wearing a mask you friggan' clone!  
  
Birdman: Yelling is not helping! (Korozo begins to do the "Force choke" with his Newtype powers) . . . gyah!!!  
  
Amuro: All you need is a jury consultant. Somebody who can relate to them.  
  
Karozo: And just who do you suggest, they are all Federation soldiers!  
  
Char: Hey, wait! Amuro is a damn stinkin' low down dirty Feddie!  
  
Amuro: Exactly . . . Zeke scum!  
  
Char: What you say!  
  
Amuro: All your base are belong to us!  
  
Char: You have no chance to survive, make your time!  
  
Karozo: Guys cut it out! Amuro, I need your help. They are all Feds, what do they want to hear?  
  
Amuro: Right, right. Fed jury. Fed jury. Jury that's all Feds. Twelve men, all Feds. Fed jury. Twelve Fed men, all Feds -  
  
Karozo: Amuro!  
  
Amuro: Errrm, right. Well the thing is to let them know that you're one of them.  
  
Karozo: But I'm evil and they are good! I'm not one of them . . . this is hopeless.  
  
Birdman: One of them, huh? I've got it!  
  
The next day at court . . .  
  
Birdman: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Karozo Ronah is just like you. He loves oppressing spacenoids.  
  
Jury: Huh?  
  
Birdman: He knows what it's like when people say you're a snobby elitist pig . . .  
  
Jury: Hmmm!  
  
Birdman: -or how it feels to be a cannon fodder worthless bunch of pilots.  
  
Jury: Grrrrrrr! (several members of the jury began brandishing small arms)  
  
Birdman: Thank you!  
  
Judge: Wow.  
  
Karozo: Great, now the jury hates us!  
  
Birdman: Nonsense, I've got them eating out of my hand.  
  
A bullet ricochets off Karozo's helmet.  
  
Seabook: I told you I could hit him. You owe me fifty bucks, Berghito!  
  
Birdman: I would like to call to the stand, Mr. Karozo Ronah.  
  
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?  
  
Karozo: Sure, why the hell not.  
  
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, where were you on the date of March 24, UC 0123?  
  
Karozo: Probably killing people. I don't remember.  
  
Birdman: He doesn't remember. How convenient.  
  
Karozo: I don't know!  
  
Birdman: Mr. Ronah, in the sixth grade, did you or did you not urinate all over the boy's bathroom floor.  
  
Karozo: No!  
  
Birdman: I remind you you're under oath!  
  
Karozo: You're an idiot!  
  
Birdman: Your honor, strike that from the record.  
  
Karozo: Grrrrr!  
  
Birdman: Karozo, if I may call you that, why should this jury believe anything you say?  
  
Karozo: Because I -  
  
Birdman: Show us on the doll where they touched you! (pulls a rag doll out of his pocket)  
  
Karozo: What! Nobody touched -  
  
Birdman: Who was it? There's no more running from your past! Who touched you?  
  
Karozo: I hate you . . .  
  
Judge: LucasFilm you may call your witness.  
  
LucasFilm Attorney: I would like to call to the stand, Darth Vader.  
  
Vader is sworn in.  
  
LFA: Mr. Vader, or may I just call you Darth?  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Vader will do.  
  
LFA: Mr. Vader could you please take off your helmet so the jury can see it better, to clearly see how Mr. Ronah is stealing your image.  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure why not? (Takes off his helmet)  
  
Jury: Ugggh! Ewwwwwwww! I'm gonna puke! He's uglier than Quinze!  
  
LFA: Maybe you should leave it on. . . .  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Sure . . . I used to be so cute as Anakin . . .  
  
LFA: Mr. Vader, could you please demonstrate your 'force choking' ability?  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Okay.  
  
Vader uses his crazy Jedi mind tricks to choke a person in the audience area, who promptly dies.  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Good enough?  
  
LFA: Perfect. Could you also show us your lightsaber?  
  
Vader whips out his lightsaber.  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) It's usually longer, but there's a chill in the air . . .  
  
LFA: Right that will be enough, you may step down Mr. Vader.  
  
Vader: (breathing noises) Ok.  
  
LFA: Now, Mr. Ronah. Do you not also share the same traits as Mr. Vader.  
  
Ronah (Lying): Nope.  
  
LFA: But do you not wear a helmet?  
  
Ronah: Mine has a goatee!  
  
LFA: And do you not have crazy force choking powers?  
  
Ronah: I don't use the force.  
  
LFA: But can you or can you not choke people?  
  
Ronah uses his Newtype choking power and kills the LucasFilm attorney, but he soon recovers.  
  
LFA: Nice try Mr. Ronah, but we are lawyers, we are beyond death. But thank you for answering my question anyway.  
  
Ronah: Damnit!  
  
LFA: Now, do you also use lightsabers?  
  
Ronah: It's called a beam saber you dork, and mines bigger!  
  
LFA: I rest my case.  
  
Birdman: I would like to call to the stands Cecily Fairchild - a surprise witness!  
  
Cecily is sworn in.  
  
Birdman: State your name and occupation.  
  
Cecily: Cecily Fairchild, I'm a beauty pageant queen.  
  
Birdman: Do you remember seeing me at the beauty pageant?  
  
Cecily: You're that guy they threw out for exposing himself in public.  
  
Birdman: Correct. What is your phone number Ms. Fairchild . . .  
  
Karozo: Stop hitting on her!  
  
Birdman: Relax, this is important for the justice process.  
  
Cecily: 555-2345. I have a boyfriend, but, I don't mind three-ways!  
  
Birdman: (scribbling the number down on a piece of paper) That'll be all. Thank you.  
  
Cecily steps down.  
  
Karozo: I don't think we're doing so good . . . but maybe if you would actually call a witness that has something to do with this case!  
  
Birdman: You're such a worry wart. Everything is under control.  
  
Another bullet ricochets of Karozo's helmet.  
  
Seabook: Double or nothing my ass, you so owe me Berghito!  
  
Birdman: The defense would like to call . . . George Lucas!  
  
Bailiff: George Lucas!  
  
Birdman: State your name and last films.  
  
Lucas: George Lucas. And Star Wars Episode 1 and Episode 2.  
  
Birdman: And do you think Phantom Menace was as good a movie as Empire?  
  
Lucas: Well certainly, I think it's the best movie I've made yet.  
  
Birdman: Permission to treat this witness as hostile?  
  
Judge: Permission granted.  
  
Birdman: Mister Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy  
  
Lucas: (beginning to sweat) Ummm, well my kids thought -  
  
Birdman: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him but in Menace Quai-Gon Jin trains Obi-Wan?  
  
Lucas: (beginning to tear up) Uh, well the power of myth -  
  
Birdman: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie!?! That you wrote it over a weekend but kept saying it was done for years?  
  
LFA: Objection, Your Honor . . . the pod race was pretty cool.  
  
Birdman: May I remind the court that Your Honor has never been in a George Lucas movie? And you were age appropriate for Liam Neeson's Qui-Gon Jinn role.  
  
Judge: I'm going to allow it. Objection denied.  
  
Lucas: (Bursts into tears) Fine, I admit it . . . they were all bad movies. I just ripped off an old samurai flick . . . bwah waaaaa waaa. (Lucas runs out the court crying)  
  
LFA: That solves nothing, you still have us and the judge and jury to deal with.  
  
Birdman: Not quite! I call Axel Foley!  
  
Beverly Hills Cop II music begins to play as the courtroom door is kicked open.  
  
Axel: Billy, I need your help man.  
  
Judge: All right! Axel!  
  
Judge Reinhold jumps out from behind the bench and runs out the door carrying a frightening amount of bananas.  
  
Birdman: As you we're saying?  
  
LFA: The case is not over yet!  
  
Judge peeks back into the room.  
  
Judge: Sorry, this case is dismissed because I didn't like Episode I either.  
  
Axel: Hey come on, before the fruit stands run out of bananas.  
  
Karozo: We won? We won!!!!  
  
Amuro: Yeah, I knew you could do it, see you're not a Star Wars rip-off after all . . . Karozo . . . hey . . .Korozo.... what are you staring at?  
  
Oblivious to the others the spirits of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin wave their good-byes to Karozo.  
  
Karozo: Thanks you guys . . .  
  
The blue glowing figures fade away as Karozo stares.  
  
Karozo: May the force be with you.  
  
Char: The what!?  
  
Karozo: Ahem . . . I mean the crazy assed Newtype powers be with you. . . . screw, it lets go get drunk!  
  
Meanwhile in the alley outside . . .  
  
LucasFilm Attorney: Come forth, my Dark Master!  
  
Two evil figures beyond comprehension appears in a billowy cloud of smoke and brimstone . . .  
  
President of 4Kids Entertainment: How did the trial go? Did you bring the Gundam fools to their knees?  
  
President of Funimation: Yes, tell us . . .  
  
LFA: . . . Please forgive me my Dark Master, things did not go as you foresaw . . .  
  
4Kids Prez: You lost! This would have made taking Gundam over a snap but because of your insolence my plans are set back. Now as for your punishment for failure, I will erase you!!!  
  
LFA: NOOOOO -  
  
The Director of 4Kids effortlessly slays the heartless attorney.  
  
4Kids Director: This setback is unacceptable... I will have to take a more direct approach . . . but Gundam will be mine!  
  
And in a cloud of fire and ash the supreme evil vanished back to it's lair to plan it's next move . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	18. Kou's Counterattack

Chapter 18: Kou's Counterattack  
  
Another boring night at the pub . . .  
  
Char: . . . (huff) I'm bored . . .  
  
Domon: Yeah me too.  
  
Amuro: Were all bored . . .  
  
Domon: Hey Char, kill somebody... that's always funny!  
  
Char: I feel funny, I don't want to kill anybody.  
  
Camille: I know we'll just pull a prank on Mark and Kou like we always do!  
  
Char: Good, idea that always cheers us up. I'll go buy some scorpions, I wanna' try something anyway.  
  
Amuro: Red Comet . . .  
  
Char: What you pain in the ass.  
  
Amuro: Umm, you killed Kou and Mark, remember.  
  
Char: Oh yeah, maybe that's why I'm feeling odd. It's like my life work is done.  
  
Camille: Crap, why did we kill those two, everything is so boring now. The girls don't even want to fight us cause of those stupid Dance Dance Revolution machines we installed.  
  
Domon: Yeah, when ever we were bored we would just beat up Mark or Kou, or usually both, and we would feel better . . .  
  
Char: Yeah, maybe we did go to far . . .  
  
Amuro: Its time we set things right!  
  
Domon: Yeah!!!  
  
Amuro: To the Stonecrest Mall!!! Were gonna' get back those machines!!!  
  
There's an awkward silence.  
  
Char: Nooooooooo.  
  
Char looks at everyone and smiles, everyone else smiles back . . . except Amuro.  
  
Amuro: Don't even say it.  
  
Char: To the graveyard!!! Were gonna' dig up our compadres!  
  
Everyone rushes out, leaving Amuro behind.  
  
Amuro: That is so sick . . . Guys wait up!  
  
Amuro finds everyone in the graveyard digging stuff up . . .  
  
Amuro: Hey guys . . . Kou and Mark are only in two graves . . . why are you digging them all up . . .  
  
Domon: Well Char wants this killer new asteroid he saw in a magazine, and he needs a few more spleens to sell before he can afford it.  
  
Amuro: Why, he's only gonna' drop it on Earth . . . and where is he anyway?  
  
Camille: He's in the back, getting ready.  
  
Amuro: Getting ready? For what?  
  
Paptimus: I don't know . . . but it better be really cool! I'm missing work to dig holes! I should be pimping but I'm ho-ing!  
  
Camille: Here he comes . . . what the hell?  
  
Char emerges from the shadows dressed in a red hooded robe, with Duo and Heero dressed in the like following him with candles.  
  
Amuro: What the hell is that get up?  
  
Char: Simple! I'm going to raise Kou and Mark from the dead!  
  
Amuro: Can't we just wait a while, they always come back.  
  
Char: When was the last time I killed a person, and they came back?  
  
Everybody: . . .  
  
Char: Exactly! So the dark arts are the only way!  
  
Domon: Yeah, but when did you start practicing Necromancy?  
  
Char: I never have. I just saw Elvira Mistress of the Dark an hour ago so I think I can do this! Besides, this robe looks really cool!  
  
Amuro: Were doomed. He's gonna' raise the dead . . . and they're gonna' eat my brains.  
  
Char: Relax, I tried it fifteen minutes ago, it worked fine. Watch. Lalah, come out please.  
  
Lalah steps out from a shadow looking fresh as a daisy, Amuro runs to her.  
  
Amuro: Lalah, I've missed you . . . I love you!  
  
A mysterious object flies by and kills Lalah.  
  
Char: Whoops . . . (Pockets the remote) Oh well, back to the matters at hand.  
  
Amuro: You monster!!!!  
  
Amuro bursts into tears as Kou and Mark are set into position.  
  
Char: Well, let's kick it up a notch. Neuga, ziena, zieber, zom . . . Now the chosen time has come . . . Exchange this world for . . . ! I . . . it's that stupid frog!  
  
Everyone: What?  
  
Char: Oh never mind. Look.  
  
Kou and Mark get up and dust themselves off.  
  
Kou: Wow, I must have been tired.  
  
Mark: I feel so alive!!! I want to sing!  
  
Char: I have the sudden urge to kill!  
  
Camille: Everything is back to normal! Let's go drink!  
  
Everyone leaves, except Amuro, still sobbing over Lalah. Once the guys reach the bar, they mess with Kou and Mark like they usually do . . .  
  
Later . . .  
  
Kou is at home crying, like usual. Next to him is a friend he met on the way . . .  
  
Kou: W-w-why can't get any friends! I mean, I keep on trying to impress Camille but then he stabs me in the back!  
  
Kai: Uh-huh . . . very interesting . . .  
  
Kou: T-t-then, Char said I would be "In" if I walked in with that bag with dog droppings in, then Gato goes and . . . and . . . WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!  
  
Kai: I feel for you . . . Hey, who should I work for next? Animal Planet or TechTV?  
  
Kou: (Sniff) Tech . . . what am I doing wrong Kai? What!!!  
  
Kai: I dunno'. Aren't you supposed to have Mark here or something?  
  
Kou: He said he hated me . . . Garma's out getting engaged... And you and Garma are my only friends . . .  
  
Kai: Don't remind me . . .  
  
Kou: Yeah, you said that when you first came over . . .  
  
Kai: Now are you done ranting and I can go home?  
  
Kou: I guess . . . WAIT!  
  
Kai: (Sigh) What . . .  
  
Kou: I know how to get REVENGE!  
  
Kou whispers Kai something.  
  
Kai: Dude, that wont work  
  
Kou: Yes it will!!! No put up the flyers at the bar!  
  
Later . . .  
  
Kou: Did you put up the flyers, Kai!?  
  
Kai: Yes . . . for that stupid idea of yours?  
  
Kou: How many times do I have to tell you!? It's "Brilliant" not "Stupid".  
  
Kai: Putting together a team of five MS pilots to fight Camille, Char, Scirocco, Heero, and Amuro? Just like the girls did in the beginning? That's not too original . . .  
  
Kou: Great minds think alike . . .  
  
Kai: Uh . . . huh . . .  
  
A bit more later . . .  
  
Kou: Now who's here?  
  
Kai: You in Unit I, Garma in his Custom Zaku II, me in the Guncannon, Mark in the G-Savior, and Ensign Skippy in a Leo Early-Type.  
  
Kou: What an ALL STAR TEAM!!!  
  
Kai: Garma, just shoot me now!!! Don't wait for the battle!  
  
Garma: Sorry, I forgot my gun.  
  
Kai: We never should of helped Kou . . .  
  
Later, the battle is about to begin. The Place. Axis. CCA style!  
  
Kou: Alright! Let's go!  
  
Heero: This is an embarrassment . . .  
  
Amuro: Just watch out for Kai and Garma, that can actually fight. Kai IS an ace . . .  
  
Char: Yeah, but what's he piloting?  
  
Amuro: A Guncannon?  
  
Char: Exactly . . .  
  
Stalker: GUNDAM FIGHT ALL SET! READY, GO!!!  
  
The Leo immediately flew in at the start and the Sazabi just MOVED it's mono eye sensor and it blew up. The G-Saviour was hit by the buster rifles.  
  
Garma& Kai: LOOKS LIKE ITS ALL UP TO US!!!  
  
Garma and Kai fly forward, but are immediately destroyed by funnels.  
  
Char: Wow, I'm kinda' happy you brought these machines back from that mall, Amuro . . .  
  
Kou: Oh no, I'm alone!  
  
The 5 enemies gang up on him.  
  
Kou: Mommy!  
  
In the bar, the guys toast to victory while Kou and company get drunk in their corner.  
  
Kou: We had a chance guys!  
  
Kai: No, no we didn't Kou.  
  
Kou: But -  
  
Garma: Kou, just stop. Stop while you're behind.  
  
Char: A toast to victory!  
  
Everyone else: Victory!  
  
Scirroco: The Fed Ex van is up front. I'm re-banishing those machines to a mall in Hoboken, New Jersey and bringing back the DDR machines! Now we'll see how bad Kou and his friends can dance!  
  
Everybody toasts each other and drinks. However, a mysterious bunch of figures watches the group. And thus, the Pub-War has begun!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	19. Across the Highlands and the Pain down o...

Chapter 19: Across the Highlands and the Pain Down Our Backs  
  
The background is black. Suddenly, lights come up, revealing the Pub's gambling group, sitting in tall chairs like Stalker.  
  
Amuro: Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to make a public service announcement.  
  
Char: In the past few weeks, you've seen Kou Uraki and Mark Currant attempting to get the better of us, and sometimes succeeding.  
  
Camille: In the interest of fairness, we wish to express our concern with these developments and to provide you with the truth.  
  
Scirroco: The truth is: G-Saviour sucks. And Gundam 0083's characters suck. And they suck mightily. They suck more than all the sucking that goes on inside the Playboy mansion. It's almost an insult for them to have the word "Gundam" anywhere near them.  
  
Heero: G-Saviour is a hackneyed Canadian excuse for a sci-fi movie. And 0083 is simply a sad imitation of an American action film using Gundam as a setting.  
  
Shiro: Neither of these films have any real plot. If you want to watch a Gundam series with plot, watch anything that we appear in.  
  
Domon: The fact is, neither of these guys have the brains to walk and chew guy at the same time, let alone outsmart us. Here's what would really happen if Kou tried to trick us.  
  
Kou walks in, carrying a brown paper bag which probably contains dog poo. Gato grabs him by the lapels.  
  
Gato: MY GOD MAN, HIRE SOME DECENT WRITERS! (He bitch-slaps Kou, then pushes him onto the ground, face-first into his own bag).  
  
Domon: As for Mark . . .  
  
The camera pans slightly, revealing Mark locked in a pillory with Amuro, Camille and Heero brandishing wooden hazing paddles.  
  
Char: So please, ladies and gentlemen, say "no" to plotless tripe.  
  
This message has been brought to you by the GnBS - Fandom Isn't a Right, It's a Privelege.  
  
The members of the G-Pub all clap as they watch their commercial aired on International television on the Gundam Planet Network.  
  
Char: Man, I looked good!  
  
Amuro: Rrright . . .  
  
They all go to the game room to practice, but notice that the dancing machines are gone and the simulation pods are back.  
  
Scirroco: Hey! I thought I shipped these back!  
  
Camille: How the hell are these machines back?  
  
Domon: And where are our games?  
  
Voice: Ahem.  
  
The guys turn towards the voice and see several familiar figures . . .  
  
Heero: The Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance?  
  
Four: That's right! Garma used his family influence to get rid of those lame music games and bring back the real one.  
  
Scirocco: But I banished them to Hoboken, New Jersey!  
  
Garma: Nothing is impossible for money! Hahaha!  
  
Relena: We challenge you to a match, and the loser has to leave the bar for good!  
  
Allenby: And no cheap tricks! This is going to be a real fight!  
  
Seabrook: . . . So says the girl with the GameShark.  
  
Allenby: That's it, we fight NOW!  
  
Gundam Fight all set; Battle Stage: Shinjuku, Neo-Japan. Ready . . . GO!  
  
The match begins with the guys standing near the Diet building.  
  
Domon: This is definitely not good. As easily as we can whip Kou's group, the Shuffle Girls are the real threat.  
  
Char: Right. No tricks this time. We're going to have to put up the best fight ever.  
  
Amuro: Pair off! Domon and Gato are a team. So are Char and Seabook, Shiro and Judau, and Scirocco and Heero. That leaves Camille and me.  
  
Shiro: And here they come!  
  
The radar lights up with five blips. Out of the ruined buildings burst the GP01, Guncannon, G-Savoiur, Kaempher and Gyan. The fighting was intense, but still wasn't much of a battle. A Double God Slash bisected the Gyan, the Ez8 and FAZZ ripped through Guncannon, G-Saviour was dismantled by The O and Wing Zero, and Crossbone X1 distracted the Kaempher so Sazabi could impale it.  
  
Char: Blame this on the misfortune of your birth, Garma!  
  
Kou: You may have beaten my teammates, but you still have to fight them!  
  
Standing on top of the Diet building, the Shuffle-Ko Gundams had been watching the proceedings the whole time. Angrily, Camille finishes Kou off.  
  
Camille: Perfect, we were just being tricked into wasting our energy with those losers. Now we have to deal with them.  
  
Char: Hit them with everything you've got, NOW!  
  
Quite an impressive sight; simultaneously, everyone fired their most powerful weapons. Wing's twin buster, Zeta and Nu's hyper mega launchers, FAZZ's high mega cannon, Sazabi's mega particle gun, God's Sekiha Tenkyoken and Physalis' atomic bazooka while Ez8, Crossbone and The O gave support fire with their beam rifles. But out of the massive smoke cloud came . . .  
  
Girls: Shuffle Royal Flush!  
  
The Shuffle Gundams transformed into glowing comets and combined into one massive burst of power that surged right through the guys' MS. They remained standing as the girls' Shuffle Crests appeared in the air, then caused a giant explosion, taking them out. Five minutes later, outside the bar . . .  
  
Amuro: We lost.  
  
Judau: WE lost?!  
  
Heero: We LOST!?  
  
Domon smashes a garbage can into pieces.  
  
Domon: DAMMIT! As long as they have those powers, we can't beat them, and we've even been kicked out of the bar! Now there's nothing we can do about it!  
  
Voice: Oh really?  
  
From the shadows appears . . .  
  
Domon: Oh my God! It's that ninja again!  
  
Shwartz: It's me, you idiot!  
  
Domon: Oh yeah, Shwartz Bruder!  
  
Camille: Where have you been?  
  
Shwartz: Me and Solid Weasel visited fanfiction heaven where he played some Five Card Draw with Revolver Zero, AmuroNT1, necropenguin, and the rest of the contributors to this story . . .  
  
Char: Biter.  
  
Schwarz: That's a fine attitude to take with the man who's going to help you regain face and get you back into the pub. Only through my leadership can you hope to defeat that alliance founded on perversion and fueled by estrogen.  
  
Guys: . . . Wha?  
  
Schwarz: (Sweatdropping) Let me teach you how to beat the girls up.  
  
Guys: Oh!  
  
Some days later, Schwarz had lead the guys out to the Guyana Highlands. They were still muttering and being PO'ed.  
  
Amuro: What's the point of this trip, anyway? The fact that they're Shuffle Alliance now means we can't hold a torch to them.  
  
Schwarz: Are you giving up that easily? Watch this!  
  
In a quick, fluid motion, Schwarz throws a fist-sized rock straight between Amuro's eyes. It hits with a soft THUNK and the other guys wince, but all that's there is a small bruise.  
  
Schwarz: For a legendary soldier and powerful Newtype, you're giving up awfully early. What keeps you from using your powers outside of the Hi-Nu Gundam?  
  
Amuro: Because I need some kind of psycommu device to enhance my brainwaves.  
  
Schwarz: What about Iron Mask Ronah? He could do a full Darth Vader Force- choke and you're much stronger than him. Besides, I threw that rock with all my strength. Why didn't it leave more than a little mark?  
  
All: . . .  
  
Schwarz: We're out here so you men can learn how to truly master control of your new Mobile Fighter Gundams. Through rigorous training, you will be able to defeat them, Shuffle crests or no.  
  
Time lapse: a montage of clips plays as "Eye of the Tiger" blares in the background. The guys undergo the typical training regimen: standing under waterfalls, punching into buckets of heated sand, meditation, hanging upside-down, and balancing on top of trees. The montage ends as we see Heero, suspended from a tree by ropes and tied up with only his right hand free. Schwarz is pulling him backwards to build up momentum.  
  
Schwarz: Ready?  
  
Heero: Yes!  
  
Domon: Alright, here we go!  
  
Simultaneously, Schwarz throws Heero forwards as Domon throws a similarly suspended boulder right at him.  
  
Heero: Take this!  
  
He stabs the boulder with his extended forefinger, and they both stop in the middle, motionless. Suddenly, the other guys, who were sitting off to the side, speak up.  
  
Shiro: What does this have to do with training?  
  
Schwarz: . . . Nothing, I just saw it in Ranma 1/2 and I thought it looked really cool.  
  
The other guys facefault. Suddenly, the boulder crumbles into dust. Everyone looks on in shock.  
  
Heero: . . . I think my finger is broken.  
  
Finally, the training was finished. The guys were grouped outside the plane, getting some final advise from Schwarz.  
  
Schwarz: I'm very proud of all of you. You've managed to achieve a new level of skill and power through this training. Now, go take back the bar and prove the superiority of the Y chromosome!  
  
Guys: Zuh?  
  
Schwarz facepalms, then raises his other fist in a salute.  
  
Schwarz: Guys rule.  
  
Guys: YEAH!  
  
They march off to the plane, cheering, woofing and Tim Allen-barking as Schwarz sighs and follows them.  
  
Back at the bar, the Shuffle Girls and Kou's Alliance were preparing to enter the game for some training.  
  
Elle: Well, here we go again. What simulation do you wanna' do this time?  
  
Garma: How about the Tragedy in Jaburo setting?  
  
Four: Sounds good. (Aside to the other girls) Why are we hanging around with these losers?  
  
Haman: Cannon fodder.  
  
Relena: And Rain's working on hiding hologram generators in their MS that make them look like ours, for decoys.  
  
Four: Good reasons.  
  
The simulation begins, outside of Jaburo, complete with "Ai Senshi" playing in the background. After a couple minutes, nothing has happened.  
  
Kai: What's going on? Usually the Zeon forces show up by now.  
  
A Gaw carrier appears overhead and opens its bay doors, releasing ten familiar MS . . .  
  
Girls/Kou's Guys: THEM!  
  
Amuro: We're not going to lose this time.  
  
Camille: We've trained way too hard to be defeated by posers like you.  
  
Char: Come at us, if you want to lose!  
  
Kou: Hah! Prepare to eat the dirt again!  
  
As Kou charges, the rest of his men shrug and follow him. Without moving, the guys start firing their vulcans and machinecannons, ripping the five MS into scrap.  
  
Girls: . . .  
  
Allenby: Vulcans can do THAT?!  
  
Four: Who cares? We can still beat these losers down. Ready?  
  
Domon: Not so fast! First, we have to show you our new special technique.  
  
Girls: Special technique?  
  
The guys all close their eyes and let out low hums of concentration. In a burst of light, their MS transform and begin glowing gold.  
  
Elle: Hyper Mode?!  
  
Relena: They're still not good enough! HEART BREAK SLASH!  
  
Shuffle Queen rushes towards Wing Zero with its sword drawn, only to have the blade caught in one of Zero's hands.  
  
Heero: I'm not going to go easy on you women anymore.  
  
He flicks Relena's MF away with ease.  
  
Heero: Shiro, let's go!  
  
Shiro: Right! Impresive Vulcan Storm!  
  
Heero: Grand Angel Cyclone!  
  
Wing Zero flaps its wings, creating a massive wind column that sweeps Queen into the air, where the Ez8's assault blows it up.  
  
Haman: You! Take this!  
  
She launches her funnels, only to have Char control them and crash them into the water.  
  
Char: Well, you're next. Beam Shot Flush!  
  
Gato: Nuclear Rain!  
  
Haman's Joker is pinned between falling bombs and bursts of mega particles, taking her out.  
  
Four: Dammit! How'd they get so powerful?  
  
Camille: Burning Shockwave Rider!  
  
Judau: Hyper Saber Cutter!  
  
A flame-covered Zeta charges straight into Diamond as blades of beam energy rip through it, finishing her off.  
  
Amuro: Nu Funnel Cannon!  
  
Scirocco: Trio The O Combo!  
  
The-O begins slashing Elle's Club with three sabers as the fin funnels perform a Death Star-style combined blast. Exit Club.  
  
Allenby: Ah . . . heeheehee . . . truce?  
  
Seabrook: Yeah, right! Crossbone Slayer . . .  
  
Domon: . . . combined with Sekiha Tenkyoken!  
  
A big, X-shaped ki blast melted Spade quickly, ending the game. In the real world . . .  
  
Camille: Gee, does this mean we get back in the bar?  
  
Char: And don't have to put up with your bragging anymore?  
  
Scirocco: Sounds like a plan to me! To the bartender!  
  
They run off, leaving the frustrated girls.  
  
Girls: . . . Kill . . .  
  
Kou: Um . . .  
  
They snarl at Kou, and he hides under the nearest bed.  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


	20. The SEEDlings Grow

Gundam SEED Special!  
  
Chapter 20: The SEEDlings Grow . . .  
  
Diakka and Milly from Gundam SEED walk into the video game store next to the pub. They see the salesmen at the counter, who just so happens to be Frey Astlar.  
  
Frey: My break is coming soon. Make it quick.  
  
Diakka: This game doesn't work in on my PS2! It says it needs a memory card!  
  
Frey: . . . So?  
  
Diakka: You should have told me that my I needed one!  
  
Frey: The game also requires a PS2, a Dualshock 2 controller, and television. I kind of think that's common sense . . . not to mention that it says "Requires a Memory Card" on the box . . .  
  
Diakka: Give me my money back! I want it back!  
  
Frey: That's nice. How about I refund your $2 rental charge, and you can pay me $6 for the extra six days you kept this game that apparently didn't work?  
  
Diakka: You're not a very good salesman.  
  
Frey: You're not a very good liar.  
  
Back in the pub, Nichol is getting stoned and is sitting next to Sai, Archangel Operator. Sai scratches his eyes.  
  
Nichol: Fuck you too buddy!  
  
Sai: Excuse me! Why did you curse at me?  
  
Nichol: WHY? Because you, (hic) you flicked me off!  
  
Sai: I did what again?  
  
Nichol (Totally wasted): You flipped me off, you son of a bitch!  
  
Sai: Umm, I was scratching my eyes.  
  
Nichol: You calling (hic) me a liar? Want me to kick your ass?  
  
Sai: Let's act like grown men here.  
  
Nichol: What? Are you calling me (hic) a women just because everyone thinks I look like one?!  
  
Sai: You look like a girl?  
  
Nichol gets up from his chair.  
  
Nichol: You asshole! No one makes fun of me! Now I'm really gonna' (hic) kick your ass!  
  
Sai: Sir, I think you had too many drinks.  
  
Nichol: NOW YOU CALLING ME A DRUNK?!  
  
Sai (Trying to calm down Nichol): No sir, It's just that you seem too young to be drinking a . . .  
  
Nichol grabs Sai by the shirt.  
  
Nichol: YOU CALLING ME A LITTLE KID YOU YAOI FREAK!!!  
  
Sai: Please let go of me, sir.  
  
Nichol: What you gonna' (hic) do about it, you hippie reject!  
  
Sai: You son of a bitch! How dare you associate me with a bunch of slackers!  
  
Sai beats the crap out of the wasted Nichol. Sai passes the table where some of the girls are and promptly tosses Nichol out of the bar window.  
  
Sai: Yeah, bitch!  
  
Meanwhile, the girls are busy fanning themselves, looking across the street.  
  
Elle: What's going on over there?  
  
Four: Looks like Scirroco is giving Kira a few lessons . . .  
  
Across the street, at a large house, a lesson is taking place as the Godfather theme plays in the background. Kira looks innocent as usual.  
  
Scirroco (In an Italian accent): Now, Kira, my young Padawan learner, you have come very far in your training. It's time for you to continue learning the advanced techniques of a mafia leader.  
  
Kira: Yes, Don Paptimus.  
  
Scirroco (Waving his hand back and forth like an Italian Mafioso): Now, whose house does this belong to?  
  
Kira: Umm . . . Issac, from my series.  
  
Scirroco: No, no, no, my boy. That's not what I meant. All that we care is that we bought some of your goods, he didn't show, and he didn't pay. Now, show me what you got . . .  
  
Kira knocks on the door. Issac answers.  
  
Issac: Hello? Oh, it's just you, Kira . . .  
  
Kira tackles Issac onto the ground and promptly punches him repeatedly while screaming at him.  
  
Kira: Where's my money, bitch?! Huh? Huh?! Where's it at?! Huh?! I can't here you!  
  
Issac: Mph . . . bah . . . *cough* . . . agh . . .  
  
Kira: I want my money you little prick! "Agh"?! What's "agh"? Speak some English son of a bitch!  
  
A few minutes pass, Kira leaves the house with a suitcase filled with money. As he leaves, he cleans the blood off of his nice suit and smiles angelically like he usually does as if nothing went wrong.  
  
Kira: Here it is, Don Paptimus.  
  
Scirroco: . . . I counted 5 minutes, 2 seconds. What do you think boys?  
  
Yazan Gable: I think he did good, boss, real good.  
  
Harry Ord: What can I say, he's a natural . . . or a coordinator, whatever . . .  
  
Michelo Chariot: Hmm, he gets a 10 on the effort, but I think he only deserves a 9 on the -  
  
The Freedom Gundam's foot crashes down and crushes Michelo. Scirroco claps.  
  
Scirroco: I have taught you well my boy. Now, go get some of your goods and let's get stoned!  
  
Haman Khan, Harry Ord, Chronicle Asher, Zechs Marquise, Kycilia Zabi, Iron Mask Korozo, and Uluube Ishikawa all sit together at a large table drinking while Char speaks to them all. Lau Lu Cruize rushes through the bar's door. Muu La Fraga stops him and tries to start a conversation.  
  
Fraga: Hey, Cruize, what's up? Long time no see.  
  
Cruize: No time to talk, I'm gonna' be late for my first AA meeting.  
  
Fraga: Just one second.  
  
Cruize: Sorry Muu, but we both are new to this franchise, I suggest getting to know some of the other stars. One word of advice, avoid some of the 0083 guys. Not many of them are well liked. Well, I'm gonna' be late I'll talk to you when my AA meeting is over.  
  
They both go their respective ways and after two hours of Char's sermon the meeting is called to an end. Lau Lu Cruize walks back over to where Muu was.  
  
Cruize: Now where did he go?  
  
In one of the bathroom stalls, Muu opens it up . . .  
  
Fraga: Ready to go?  
  
In the corner of the stall, Mariyu Ramias stands there naked.  
  
Mariyu: Oh, is happy hour over?  
  
Fraga: Heh, be back in a little bit. You just sit tight.  
  
Mariyu (Fixing her hair and putting her clothes back on): Alright . . .  
  
He walks out of the bathroom and meets up with Cruize.  
  
Cruize: So, have fun with anybody interesting?  
  
Fraga: Oh hell yeah, but umm, that was with someone I'm already acquainted with . . . but, yeah, I met a couple of guys. There was this one cool guy named Sleggar Law or something. But you were definitely right about those 0083 jerks, they're the worst conversation ever.  
  
Cruize: I warned you.  
  
Fraga: Oh yeah, I tried to ask you earlier but you were busy, why the heck are they holding an AA meeting in a bar.  
  
Cruize: This is where they have always held it.  
  
Fraga: But isn't it kinda' redundant to hold an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in a bar?!?  
  
Cruize: Yeah, that would be silly.  
  
Fraga: Then why do you hold it here then?  
  
Cruize: Oh, no you're thinking of a different AA, that wasn't an alcoholics meeting.  
  
Fraga: Well what else could AA mean?  
  
Cruize: It's simple. Look at my mask.  
  
Fraga: . . . I don't get it.  
  
Cruize: It's a course to try and build my self-confidence so I don't have to rip off of an already popular Gundam villain. It teaches me to be my own villain, to take off the cheesy cliché mask I hide behind.  
  
Fraga: Huh?  
  
Cruize: It's a seminar taught by the Red Comet himself because he is tired of people ripping off his mojo. It targets people who are nothing more than cheap clones of him and teaches them to break free. It's "Aznable's Anonymous".  
  
Fraga: Ah, I see.  
  
Char: How's my new student?  
  
Cruize: Doing fine, Professor.  
  
Char: Excellent . . .  
  
Cruize: Looks like this is the best way to go since that whole Liquid Char incident . . .  
  
Char: Of course it is . . . being the genius that I am.  
  
Lakus/Lux Klein and Kagari walk in.  
  
Char: Nice . . .  
  
Cruize: Don't even think about it, she's taken already.  
  
Char: Damn.  
  
Cruize: And by someone her age. Who has a Gundam with some VERY big guns . . .  
  
Kira puts his arm around her and walks into the pub right by Char, Cruize, and Fraga.  
  
Char: What, this little punk can satisfy her?  
  
Fraga: Hey, you ever watch an episode of SEED?  
  
Char: Yeah . . .  
  
Fraga: You know how Kira's eyes just turn green while fighting and he starts kicking major ass?  
  
Char: That whole "SEED Mode" thing? Yeah . . .?  
  
Fraga: Imagine him doing that in the bedroom . . .  
  
Lakus winks at the guys as her and Kira walk off.  
  
Cruize: Damn . . .  
  
Suddenly, Natarle, Muruto Azrael, and the three pilot of the Raider, Calamity, and Forbidden Gundams, Clotho Buer, Shani, and Oruga Sabnack walk in. Everyone looks at them as they make their way to the center of the pub. Clotho and Oruga give each other strange looks.  
  
Cruize: What's up with them?  
  
Clotho and Oruga nod at each other, then at Natarle. Natarle slides in a turn table set and slides it over to Shani. She then pulls a microphone out and hands it to Azrael.  
  
Shani: Yo, yo, yo, We are in the house! Can you feel me!?  
  
Kira: Thankfully not.  
  
Cruize: I hate white boys trying to be "down with the hood".  
  
Fraga: And I though the author of this story hated rap music . . .  
  
Oruga: It's called freestyling! Get it straight!  
  
Shani then starts turning the turntables and "scratches" them while imitating them by making noises.  
  
Shani: Err, icka, err, err, err, ssh, err . . .  
  
Oruga: I'm Oruga, kids not be mixed up with that Judau prick, I know when I walk by they call me a psycho bitch, but I know that I'm just an average joe fucking up Kira and other Archangel mo'fo . . .  
  
Clotho: You think you're nice? You think you're my equal? I'm like Terminator 3 while you're like some Legally Blonde sequel. You may think I'm whack just 'cause my skin ain't black, but take your hands off your micro-sack 'cause whitey just struck back.  
  
Oruga: You act like you've never seen a psycho-ass villain before, jaws all on the floor, like the Frost Brothers doing it doggie style with Shagia wanting more, and Trowa and Quatre just burst in the door and started smacking their asses worse than before.  
  
Clotho: You better watch your mouth boy before I blow you down like Hathaway Noa. Don't expect me to shut up just like Trowa. Chan Agi got it like "boom, boom, boom" but just couldn't touch this. Watch this. Take this. Mask villains ripping off Char every two minutes has got him going "fuck this, not that again". Will the real Red Comet please stand up, please stand up?  
  
Char and all of his clones stand up. Char smacks himself and smacks them all.  
  
Shani: Err, chika, err, err, err, ssh, ssh, err, burr, chika err . . .  
  
Azrael: Nice job, boys. (He turns to Natarle) Well.  
  
Natarle pays them.  
  
Oruga: Hell yeah!  
  
Clotho: Snooch to the mooch, motherfucker!  
  
Shani and Azrael go to high five each other, but they miss miserably and Azrael falls onto the turntable equipment.  
  
Azrael: Oww . . . I think I broke something . . . this is coming out of your salary . . . mind helping me here, Natarle?  
  
Natarle helps him up.  
  
Azrael: Onto the stage boys, it's time to look like a bunch of rock-star wannabes.  
  
The boys do so. Azrael pulls himself together.  
  
Azrael: So, Natarle, how's about you . . . and I . . .  
  
Natarle: As long as it doesn't involve you putting anymore bullets into me, I'm for it.  
  
Everyone else cheers as the trio gets onto the stage with rock band equipment. Kira sees Muu going off to the bathroom.  
  
Kira: Hey, Muu, where are you going? We're all going to get stoned!  
  
Fraga: Not now, Kira, I feel happy hour coming on again!  
  
The Justice Gundam flies over the pub.  
  
Azlan: Now, how is it that a SEED special is going on, and I hardly make an appearance?  
  
Cruize's Providence Gundam suddenly flies out of nowhere and blasts Justice to hell.  
  
Azrael: And the moral of today kiddies is to be careful of what you wish for. To everyone, have a merry nigh and a happy YATTA!  
  
To Be Continued . . . 


End file.
